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The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.

The given bar chart illustrates the number of students attending extra evening classes at an educational instituation for adults by gender.Additionally, the pie chart illustrates the figures for the age groups of these students of courses in the year 2009.

Overall, it can be observed that the figures for female students were always higher than those for males across most courses, except for the sculpture classes. Additionally, the evening classes were more common among older people, with the highest proportion of over-50 age group, while the number of under-20 people was the lowest.

Beginning with the proportion of participants, the Language course had the highest number of female students which was double that of men with 40 people and 20 people respectively.Similarly, number of males attending drama classes was exactly half of the number of females with 10 people and 20 people in order. In terms of the sculpture classes,the only subject where the proportion of males outnumbered that of women, at 10 people and 5 people respectively, while in the painting course, the figure for the females(30 people) was slightly higher than that of males(25 people).

Turning to the ages of students, it can be noted that the 50 or over age group contribute about the half to the overall figures for the age of those students, at approximately 42%. Following that, the people aged 40-49 were responsible for 26%, while the under-20 aged people just accounted for the least, at 5% that was roughly a half of figure for the 20-29 age group contributing to 11%. Moving onto the final age group, the number of 30-39 aged students dominated at 16% of total participants.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "instituation" -> "institution"
    Explanation: "Instituation" is a misspelling of "institution." Correcting this error ensures accuracy in spelling.
  2. "figures for the age groups of these students of courses" -> "figures for the age distribution of these students enrolled in courses"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. Replacing it with a more concise and clear alternative improves readability and precision.
  3. "it can be observed that the figures" -> "it is evident that the numbers"
    Explanation: Using "it can be observed" is unnecessarily wordy. Replacing it with "it is evident" maintains clarity while improving conciseness.
  4. "older people" -> "elderly individuals"
    Explanation: "Older people" is a vague term. "Elderly individuals" is more precise and formal, enhancing the sophistication of the language.
  5. "proportion of participants" -> "participation rate"
    Explanation: "Proportion of participants" is redundant. "Participation rate" conveys the same meaning more concisely.
  6. "which was double that of men" -> "which was twice the number of men"
    Explanation: "Double that of men" is somewhat informal. "Twice the number of men" is a more precise and formal expression.
  7. "in order" -> "respectively"
    Explanation: "In order" is unnecessary and unclear in this context. "Respectively" indicates the order of the numbers more clearly and concisely.
  8. "where the proportion of males outnumbered that of women" -> "where the number of male participants exceeded that of females"
    Explanation: "Proportion of males outnumbered that of women" is awkward and unclear. "Number of male participants exceeded that of females" is more straightforward and precise.
  9. "while in the painting course, the figure for the females" -> "in contrast, in the painting course, the number of female participants"
    Explanation: "The figure for the females" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Number of female participants" is a clearer and more precise alternative.
  10. "aged people" -> "individuals"
    Explanation: "Aged people" is somewhat informal. "Individuals" is a more neutral and appropriate term.
  11. "roughly a half of figure for the 20-29 age group contributing to 11%" -> "approximately half the percentage of the 20-29 age group, which contributed 11%"
    Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted. Replacing it with a clearer and more concise alternative improves readability and precision.
  12. "the number of 30-39 aged students dominated at 16%" -> "students aged 30-39 accounted for the highest proportion, at 16%"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. Replacing it with a more concise and clear alternative enhances readability and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the Task 1 prompt by presenting a clear overview of the main trends and differences in the given charts. It effectively uses comparative data to highlight key features, such as the differences in attendance between genders across various courses and the distribution of ages among the participants. Each point is supported with specific data, which helps to meet the task requirements.

However, the response could be more fully extended by integrating these observations more seamlessly and possibly by providing a clearer summarization that encapsulates all the main points succinctly. The details provided are appropriate, but the overall development of these points sometimes feels segmented rather than forming a cohesive narrative.

How to improve:
To elevate this essay to a higher band, consider enhancing the cohesion and flow of information. Instead of isolating observations course by course or age group by age group, integrate these details more fluidly. For example, discuss the gender differences and age distributions within the same sentence or paragraph to create a more comprehensive analysis of the data. Additionally, ensure that the introduction and conclusion encapsulate all the main trends and features without adding new information in the conclusion. This will provide a more rounded and fully developed response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner with clear overall progression. There is logical organization of information and ideas, particularly in the description of the data and the comparison of different courses and age groups. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs, although there are some instances where cohesion may be faulty or mechanical, such as in transitions between ideas. Paragraphing is utilized, but it may not always be logically structured, particularly in the introduction and conclusion where they are brief. Overall, the essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion, but there is room for improvement in the clarity and logical flow of ideas.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and clear throughout the essay. Pay close attention to paragraph organization, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a central topic and follows a logical progression of ideas. Additionally, consider expanding the introduction and conclusion to provide a more comprehensive overview of the essay’s content and purpose.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "contribute," and "dominated," but there are some inaccuracies and instances of awkward phrasing, like "figured for the 20-29 age group contributing to 11%." There are also minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "instituation" instead of "institution" and "aged people" instead of "people of age." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To improve, the writer should aim for more precise word choices and collocations to convey their ideas more effectively. They should also review their usage of less common vocabulary to ensure accuracy and appropriateness. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and word formation will enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with the majority of sentences being error-free. There is a variety of complex structures used throughout the essay, enhancing its overall readability and coherence. The essay effectively communicates the information from the charts and provides clear comparisons between gender and age groups.

How to improve: To further improve, ensure consistent punctuation and grammatical accuracy. While the essay mostly avoids errors, there are a few instances where sentence structure could be refined for better clarity and precision. Additionally, aim for more varied vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data illustrates the attendance of individuals in evening courses at an adult education center in 2009, categorized by gender and age groups. Overall, it is evident that the majority of participants were female, except for sculpture classes, and the most prevalent age group was over 50 years old.

Regarding gender distribution, female enrollment surpassed male enrollment across most courses. Specifically, the Language course exhibited the highest participation, with 40 female students compared to 20 males. Similarly, in drama classes, female attendance doubled that of males, with 20 females and 10 males. Notably, sculpture classes were an exception, where male attendance exceeded female attendance, with 10 males and 5 females. In painting classes, although the margin was slight, female enrollment (30) slightly surpassed that of males (25).

In terms of age demographics, individuals aged 50 and above constituted approximately 42% of the total participants, indicating a significant preference for evening classes among older demographics. The age group of 40-49 accounted for 26% of the total, while participants under 20 years old comprised the smallest proportion at 5%, notably lower than the 20-29 age group, which contributed 11%. The 30-39 age group represented 16% of total participants, indicating a substantial presence in the evening courses.

Overall, the data underscores the predominance of female participants in evening classes and the preference for such courses among older age groups, particularly those aged 50 and above.

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