The bar chart shows the distribution of employment among agriculture, services, industries in three countries in 1980 and projected distribution in 2020

The given indicates the figure of workers in countries: A, B, and C, throughout 3 majors: agriculture, industry, and services. It is created by the date in 1980 and is expected to be in 2020.

Broadly, the pictures of countries A and C illustrate the upward trend; the lowest was agriculture and the highest was the services field. Country B’s picture showed the opposite trend with several variations.

Looking at the data of countries A and C. Agriculture in country A reached a peak at 20% in 1980, and will be predicted to decrease by about half of the 1980’ figure in 2020. Country C depicted the same trend, the data of 1980 was higher a bit than in 2020, but both of them were just below 10%. The highest was service. Country A with 45% in 1980 and 55% in 2020, while Country C started at 70% in 1980 and also plus more than 10% after 40 years. Final aspect, industry, both countries A and C showed a figure of around 30% in both 1980 and 2020.

Country B, the highest: agriculture, was opposite with A and C, 55% in 1980, and reduced a few by 10%, just 45% in 2020. Industry in 1980 was 20% and rose to 40% in 2020. Service, showed the most fluctuation, from 25% to nearly 45% in the period of 40%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given indicates the figure of workers" -> "The graph illustrates the distribution of workers"
Explanation: "The given" is vague and unclear. "The graph illustrates" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, specifying the type of visual aid being referred to.
"Broadly, the pictures of countries A and C illustrate" -> "Generally, the graphs of countries A and C depict"
Explanation: "Broadly" is somewhat informal and imprecise in this context. "Generally" is more appropriate for academic writing, and "depict" is a more formal verb than "illustrate" in this context.
"the lowest was agriculture and the highest was the services field" -> "the lowest proportion was in agriculture and the highest was in the services sector"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies that the discussion is about proportions within the three sectors, not just their ranking.
"Country B’s picture showed the opposite trend with several variations" -> "Country B’s graph exhibits an opposite trend with varying patterns"
Explanation: "Picture" is too informal for this context. "Graph" is more precise and formal, and "exhibits" is more academic than "shows."
"Looking at the data of countries A and C" -> "Examining the data for countries A and C"
Explanation: "Looking at" is too informal and vague. "Examining" is more precise and formal, and "for" is more appropriate than "of" in this context.
"will be predicted to decrease by about half of the 1980’ figure" -> "is projected to decrease by approximately half of its 1980 level"
Explanation: "Will be predicted" is redundant as "is projected" already implies prediction. "Approximately" is more formal than "about," and "its level" is clearer than "the 1980’ figure."
"higher a bit than in 2020" -> "slightly higher than in 2020"
Explanation: "A bit" is informal and vague. "Slightly" is more precise and formal.
"Final aspect, industry" -> "Lastly, the industry sector"
Explanation: "Final aspect" is an unusual and unclear phrase. "Lastly" is a more conventional way to introduce the final point in a list, and "the industry sector" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"both countries A and C showed a figure of around 30%" -> "both countries A and C exhibit a proportion of approximately 30%"
Explanation: "Showed a figure of around" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Exhibit a proportion of approximately" is more precise and formal.
"opposite with A and C" -> "contrary to countries A and C"
Explanation: "Opposite with" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Contrary to" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"rose to 40%" -> "increased to 40%"
Explanation: "Rose" is somewhat informal and less precise than "increased," which is a standard term in academic writing.
"Service, showed the most fluctuation" -> "The service sector experienced the greatest fluctuation"
Explanation: "Service" is not a noun that can be directly modified by "showed." "The service sector" is the correct noun phrase, and "experienced" is more formal than "showed."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "Country B’s picture showed the opposite trend with several variations," but it does not explain what these variations are. The essay also presents some details that are not relevant to the task, such as the fact that the data is "expected to be in 2020."

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data and by focusing on the most relevant information. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and by avoiding unnecessary repetition. For example, instead of saying "the data of 1980 was higher a bit than in 2020," the essay could say "agriculture in Country C decreased slightly between 1980 and 2020."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the employment distribution among the three countries, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the information presented. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, making it difficult to follow the flow of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for each country or aspect of the data. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help to connect ideas more logically. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will improve the overall clarity and progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the data from the bar chart, the use of vocabulary is basic and repetitive, with instances of awkward phrasing (e.g., "the lowest was agriculture and the highest was the services field"). There are noticeable errors in word choice and sentence structure that may cause some difficulty for the reader, such as "the data of 1980 was higher a bit than in 2020." Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation, such as "the highest: agriculture, was opposite with A and C," which could lead to confusion.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. Additionally, improving sentence structure and reducing repetitive phrases will help convey ideas more clearly. Paying attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy will also contribute to a better overall impression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentence forms. There are attempts at complex sentences, but these often lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For example, phrases like "the highest was service" and "the lowest was agriculture" lack clarity and proper structure. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas and incorrect use of apostrophes, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that they are accurate. Practicing the correct use of punctuation and reviewing sentence structure will also enhance clarity. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and seeking feedback can help identify and correct issues before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart illustrates the distribution of employment among agriculture, industry, and services in three countries: A, B, and C, based on data from 1980 and projections for 2020.

Broadly, the data for countries A and C demonstrate an upward trend, with agriculture showing the lowest employment figures and services the highest. In contrast, country B exhibits an opposite trend with notable variations.

Focusing on the data for countries A and C, agriculture in country A peaked at 20% in 1980 and is predicted to decrease by about half of that figure by 2020. Country C shows a similar trend, with its 1980 figure slightly higher than that of 2020, but both years remain just below 10%. The services sector had the highest employment figures, with country A at 45% in 1980 and projected to rise to 55% in 2020, while country C started at 70% in 1980 and is expected to increase by more than 10% over the 40-year period. In terms of industry, both countries A and C maintained figures of around 30% in both 1980 and 2020.

In country B, agriculture had the highest employment figure, which was the opposite of countries A and C, at 55% in 1980 but decreased by about 10% to 45% in 2020. The industry sector in country B was at 20% in 1980 and is projected to rise to 40% by 2020. The services sector showed the most fluctuation, increasing from 25% to nearly 45% over the 40-year period.