The bar chart shows the kinds of part-time jobs among university students in Vietnam by gender. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart shows the kinds of part-time jobs among university students in Vietnam by gender.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The given bar chart
Overall, males have more kinds of part-time jobs than female. Additional, the most popular job by female is Internet, while the most popular job by females is waitress.
The percentage of part-time job by females higher than by females in six careers: copywriter, IT, telesales, translator, consultant and design. Meanwhile, the proportion of Interner by males account for approximately 44 percent, as three times as by females. In terms of copywriter and design, there are not too many people to do these jobs. Surprisingly, there is no females in three types of part-time jobs: telesales, translator, and consultant. By males, the proportion of three kinds of jobs not too high, constitute to 4,6%; 3,1%; and 3,8%.
Another part-time jobs that females have higher proportion than males are: waitress, tutor, office work, shop sale and other works. Two kinds of jobs, with equivalent percentage by males and females, are waiter/ waitress and office work. The figure for males with waiter/ waitress is 36,9%, for females is 38,2%. In office work, the proportion is low by both gender. Especially, shop sale is the part-time job

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"kinds of part-time jobs" -> "types of part-time employment"
Explanation: "Kinds" is informal and less precise than "types." "Employment" is a more formal term than "jobs" and is often used in professional contexts.
"Additional" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: "Additionally" is the adverb form of "additional" and is more appropriate for academic or formal writing.
"by female" -> "by females"
Explanation: "Female" should be pluralized to match the plural noun "females" for grammatical agreement.
"most popular job by female" -> "most common job among females"
Explanation: "Popular" implies a subjective preference, while "common" is more neutral and suitable for statistical contexts.
"most popular job by females is waitress" -> "the most common job among females is waitressing"
Explanation: "Waitress" should be changed to "waitressing" to maintain consistency in verb form.
"part-time job by females higher than by females" -> "the percentage of part-time employment among females is higher than among males"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. Restructuring the sentence provides a clearer comparison between males and females in part-time employment.
"the proportion of Interner by males" -> "the proportion of internet-related jobs held by males"
Explanation: "Interner" is incorrect and should be replaced with "internet-related jobs." Additionally, "by males" should be moved to after "held" for better clarity.
"constitute to" -> "constitute"
Explanation: "Constitute" doesn’t require the preposition "to" after it. It should be used alone to indicate the proportion or composition of something.
"not too many people to do these jobs" -> "a limited number of individuals to fulfill these roles"
Explanation: "Not too many people" is vague and informal. "A limited number of individuals" is more precise and formal.
"there is no females in three types of part-time jobs" -> "there are no females in three types of part-time roles"
Explanation: "Females" should be replaced with "women" or "females" with "there are no women" or "there are no females."
"Another part-time jobs" -> "Other part-time occupations"
Explanation: "Another" is vague and doesn’t specify what it refers to. "Other" is more precise in this context.
"with equivalent percentage by males and females" -> "with equal percentages for males and females"
Explanation: "Equivalent percentage" is redundant. "Equal percentages" is simpler and clearer.
"proportion is low by both gender" -> "proportions are low for both genders"
Explanation: "By both gender" is incorrect; it should be "for both genders." Also, "proportion is low" should be pluralized to "proportions are low" to agree with the plural noun "genders."
"shop sale is the part-time job" -> "working in retail is a common part-time occupation"
Explanation: "Shop sale" is awkward and unclear. "Working in retail" is a more precise and formal phrase.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 3

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Band Score: 3.0
Explanation: The essay fails to address the task adequately. There is a lack of clarity and coherence in the presentation of information, with several inaccuracies and misunderstandings evident. The essay is under the word count requirement, and the information provided is largely irrelevant and repetitive.
How to improve: Focus on providing a clear and accurate summary of the main features of the data presented in the bar chart. Ensure that comparisons between genders are accurately made, and avoid unnecessary repetition or irrelevant information. Aim to meet the minimum word count requirement and structure the essay in a coherent and organized manner.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation:
The essay contains information and ideas, but they are not arranged coherently, leading to a lack of clear progression. There is some use of cohesive devices, but these are often inaccurate or repetitive, causing confusion. The paragraphing is unclear and does not effectively separate different ideas, which contributes to the lack of logical organization.

There are errors in the use of cohesive devices and a lack of smooth transitions between different sections of the essay. The mix-up in gender pronouns and the repetition of words and phrases without clear references make the cohesion and coherence problematic. Additionally, there’s no clear topic sentence for each paragraph, resulting in confusion and a lack of clarity in the essay’s structure.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, the following steps are recommended:

Logical Organization: Arrange information in a logical order, ensuring a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. Start with a general overview and then break down the details in a structured manner.
Use Cohesive Devices Accurately: Use conjunctions, referencing, and substitution accurately to connect ideas smoothly. Avoid overusing the same words or phrases, and ensure that cohesive devices are not used inaccurately or repetitively.
Clear Paragraphing: Create clear paragraphs with distinct topic sentences. This helps separate different sections of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow the content.
Use Referencing and Substitution Effectively: Reduce repetition by using pronouns, synonyms, or other forms of referencing to maintain clarity without redundancy. This will help improve cohesion within and between paragraphs.

By focusing on these areas, the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay will improve, leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and contains several errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, which hinder communication. The essay lacks coherence and clarity due to these issues. While attempting to convey information about part-time jobs among university students in Vietnam by gender, the essay struggles to use appropriate vocabulary and accurate expression. For instance, "the most popular job by female is Internet" lacks clarity and grammatical accuracy. There are multiple instances of incorrect word usage and awkward phrasing, such as "Additional, the most popular job by female" instead of "Additionally, the most popular job among females." The essay also lacks proper punctuation, further affecting its readability and coherence.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, focus on expanding the vocabulary range by using a variety of synonyms and more precise terms. Additionally, pay attention to accurate word choice, spelling, and word formation. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct errors. Practice writing with attention to vocabulary usage and sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, studying model essays and paying attention to sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary can provide valuable insights for improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to convey information about part-time jobs among university students in Vietnam by gender, but it suffers from significant grammatical errors and lacks coherence. The essay struggles with sentence structure, punctuation, and accuracy throughout. There are frequent errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice, which distort the meaning and hinder understanding.

For example, the essay consistently confuses "males" and "females" in its comparisons, leading to confusion. Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization. These issues significantly detract from the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

How to improve:

Focus on improving sentence structure and grammar to ensure clarity and coherence.
Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage.
Review punctuation rules, including comma usage and capitalization.
Aim for more accurate word choice to convey ideas effectively.
Practice proofreading to catch errors and improve overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart delineates the distribution of various part-time job categories among university students in Vietnam categorized by gender.

Overall, it is evident that males engage in a broader spectrum of part-time occupations compared to females. Specifically, the most prevalent occupation among females is Internet-related, whereas for males, it is waitering.

Notably, females exhibit a higher participation rate in six job sectors, namely copywriting, IT, telesales, translation, consultancy, and design. Conversely, males dominate the field of Internet-related work, constituting approximately 44% of such roles, which is three times the participation rate of females.

In terms of copywriting and design, the number of individuals engaged in these roles is relatively low. Additionally, there is a complete absence of females in three job categories: telesales, translation, and consultancy, whereas the male engagement in these roles is marginal, comprising 4.6%, 3.1%, and 3.8% respectively.

Furthermore, females surpass males in several other job categories including waitressing, tutoring, office work, shop sales, and miscellaneous tasks. However, in occupations such as waiter/waitress and office work, the participation rates between genders are comparable, with males at 36.9% and females at 38.2% in the former, and a low engagement rate observed in office work for both genders. Notably, shop sales represent a significant part-time employment opportunity for females.