The bar chart shows the percentage of people going to cinemas in one European country on different days

Given is the bar chart presenting the figures of people in a European country who decided to visit cinemas on different days of a given week in three years 2003, 2005 and 2007. Overall, the percentage of customers was significantly higher on the weekend, especially on Saturday.
In 2003, the figure for people who went to cinemas began at 10% on Monday, slightly raised to 20% on Tuesday, then declined on the next two weekdays. However, the figure later showed a sharp increase on Friday (30%) and peaked at 40%on Saturday. The percentage then dipped to 30% on Sunday.
The figure in 2005 also shared a similar trend to the year 2003. The percentage of customers was pretty slow on Monday, less than 15%, then rose a bit on Tuesday, but in turn decreased on Wednesday and Thursday. The figure then significantly grew on Friday and Saturday (30% and 45%, respectively), and slightly plummeted on Sunday.
In 2007, the pattern was quite similar, however, it was more fluctuated. Frankly, the percentage started at the lowest value on Monday, slightly fluctuated on the next four days, then suddenly increased and peaked on Saturday (about 48%) and dipped on Friday.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Given is the bar chart presenting" -> "Presented is the bar chart depicting"
Explanation: Replacing "Given is the" with "Presented is the" enhances clarity and formal tone by using a more precise structure.
"figures of people" -> "data regarding individuals"
Explanation: "Data regarding individuals" provides a more formal and precise description compared to "figures of people."
"Overall, the percentage of customers" -> "Overall, the proportion of patrons"
Explanation: Substituting "percentage of customers" with "proportion of patrons" maintains clarity while introducing a more sophisticated term.
"slightly raised" -> "marginally increased"
Explanation: "Marginally increased" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "slightly raised."
"the figure later showed" -> "the data subsequently revealed"
Explanation: Replacing "the figure later showed" with "the data subsequently revealed" improves formality and clarity by using a more precise term.
"peaked at 40%on Saturday" -> "peaked at 40% on Saturday"
Explanation: Adding a space between "40%" and "on Saturday" corrects the formatting error.
"pretty slow" -> "relatively low"
Explanation: "Relatively low" conveys a similar meaning to "pretty slow" but in a more formal manner.
"rose a bit" -> "increased slightly"
Explanation: "Increased slightly" provides a more precise and formal alternative to "rose a bit."
"in turn decreased" -> "subsequently decreased"
Explanation: "Subsequently decreased" is a more formal and precise phrase compared to "in turn decreased."
"plummeted" -> "dropped significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped significantly" conveys a clearer and more formal sense of a sharp decrease compared to "plummeted."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by presenting an overview of the main trends across three different years as observed in the bar chart. It highlights key features such as the notable increase in cinema attendance on weekends, especially Saturdays. However, there are issues with the presentation of details, some of which are inappropriate or inaccurate. The final sentence contains a factual error mentioning that the percentage "dipped on Friday" in 2007, which contradicts earlier data presented that showed an increase on Fridays. This inconsistency and the occasional lack of clarity in presenting day-by-day data impact the essay’s accuracy and coherence.

How to improve:
To elevate the score, the writer should focus on ensuring that all presented data is accurate and directly reflective of the information shown in the chart. It is also crucial to improve clarity by consistently and correctly reporting the trends without contradiction. Enhancing the organization of information, such as structuring the essay year by year with clear transitions, could provide a clearer overview and make the response more cohesive. Finally, attention to detail in reviewing and verifying data before finalizing the essay can prevent inaccuracies that might confuse or mislead the reader.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently with a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. The central topic of each paragraph is generally clear. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as awkward transitions or mechanical use of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is utilized, but not always logically, as some paragraphs could be more effectively structured.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on refining transitions between sentences and paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Avoid mechanical or awkward usage of cohesive devices. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and logically supports the overall argument or description. Work on structuring paragraphs more logically to enhance readability and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, utilizing a variety of terms related to describing trends and figures. It attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "peaked," "fluctuated," and "plummeted," although with some inaccuracy and occasional repetition. Some errors in word choice and collocation are noticeable, such as "the figure for people" instead of "the percentage of people" and "the figure then significantly grew" instead of "the percentage then significantly increased." Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in word formation, such as "plummeted" instead of "plummeting." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, strive for more precision and accuracy in word choice and collocation. Avoid repetitive use of vocabulary and ensure consistency in tense usage. Additionally, pay attention to word formation to enhance clarity and coherence in expressing ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, which aligns with the Band 6 descriptor. There are clear attempts at complex sentence forms, such as "Overall, the percentage of customers was significantly higher on the weekend, especially on Saturday" and "The figure then significantly grew on Friday and Saturday (30% and 45%, respectively), and slightly plummeted on Sunday." However, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, such as "The figure then showed a sharp increase on Friday (30%) and peaked at 40%on Saturday" where there’s a missing space before "on Saturday" and a punctuation error after "40%." These errors occur frequently enough to impact the overall communication, bringing it to a Band 6 level.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on proofreading the essay for grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, and sentence structure clarity. Ensure that complex sentences are formed correctly, with appropriate conjunctions and punctuation. Practice using a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance flexibility and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of individuals in a European nation who opted to visit cinemas on varying days throughout the week in the years 2003, 2005, and 2007. Overall, there was a noticeable surge in attendance during the weekend, particularly on Saturdays.

In 2003, the attendance rate commenced at 10% on Monday, experienced a slight increase to 20% on Tuesday, and then declined over the subsequent weekdays. However, there was a marked upturn on Friday, reaching 30%, with a peak at 40% on Saturday, followed by a decrease to 30% on Sunday.

Similarly, the trend in 2005 mirrored that of 2003. Attendance started slowly on Monday, at less than 15%, rose slightly on Tuesday, but decreased again on Wednesday and Thursday. Notably, there was a significant increase on Friday and Saturday, reaching 30% and 45% respectively, before experiencing a slight decline on Sunday.

In 2007, the pattern persisted, albeit with more fluctuations. Attendance began at its lowest point on Monday, experienced minor fluctuations over the next four days, and then saw a sudden increase, peaking at approximately 48% on Saturday, followed by a decline on Sunday.