The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

One school of thought holds that countries should focus on investing in their young generations to best prepare for their future. While acknowledging this proposal is necessary, I believe it is not sufficient on its own and should be complemented by other measures.
It is of paramount importance for investing in youth to shape the nation’s future. The logic is straightforward: younger individuals deserve to receive the investment priority in education and well-being, due to which they are future leaders, innovators and workforce of a nation. This could be exemplified by the fact that many countries, such as South Korea and Finland, which have invested heavily in their education system and, as a result, have seen the emergence of skillful and promising younger generations – a primary key to creating a society that values independence, innovation, and critical thinking.
However, focusing on young people would only work if other aspects of society were given priority as well. Economic development is clearly a sphere that cannot be overlooked. Without a stable economic foundation, even the most cutting-edge educational initiatives may struggle to achieve their intended impact. By the same token, investing in infrastructure is vital. The current state of public services, such as healthcare and transportation, directly affects citizens’s quality of life. The consequences of ignoring the deterioration of these essential services could be widespread inconvenience, or in the worst scenario, hinder a nation’s development.
In conclusion, while directing more resources toward today’s youth serves as a precursor to develop the future prospects of a nation, I am of the opinion that it is not simply enough. A more comprehensive approach would combine this focus with strategic investment in economics and infrastructure, ensuring a well-rounded foundation for a country’s future prosperity.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "One school of thought holds that" -> "It is argued that"
   Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce an opinion or perspective, enhancing the tone of the essay.

2. "best prepare for their future" -> "optimally prepare for their future"
   Explanation: "Optimally" is a more precise and formal term than "best," which is somewhat vague and colloquial in this context.

3. "I believe it is not sufficient on its own" -> "I contend that it is insufficient on its own"
   Explanation: "I contend that" is a more assertive and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more conversational "I believe."

4. "due to which" -> "thereby"
   Explanation: "Thereby" is a more precise and formal connector, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

5. "due to which" -> "thereby"
   Explanation: This is a repetition of the previous correction, ensuring consistency in formal language usage.

6. "skillful and promising younger generations" -> "skilled and promising younger generations"
   Explanation: "Skilled" is the correct adjective form to describe individuals with expertise or proficiency, whereas "skillful" refers to the quality of being skilled in a particular activity.

7. "a primary key" -> "a primary factor"
   Explanation: "Factor" is more appropriate in this context, as it refers to an element that contributes to a larger outcome, whereas "key" is more idiomatic and less precise.

8. "focusing on young people would only work if" -> "focusing solely on young people would be effective only if"
   Explanation: "Be effective only if" is a more precise and formal way to express conditional necessity, enhancing the academic tone.

9. "clearly a sphere" -> "clearly an area"
   Explanation: "Area" is a more precise term in this context, referring to a specific domain or field, whereas "sphere" can be vague and less specific.

10. "even the most cutting-edge educational initiatives" -> "even the most advanced educational initiatives"
    Explanation: "Advanced" is a more precise term than "cutting-edge," which can be seen as overly colloquial in academic writing.

11. "directly affects citizens’s quality of life" -> "directly affects the quality of life of citizens"
    Explanation: Correcting the possessive error and rephrasing for clarity and formality.

12. "could be widespread inconvenience" -> "could result in widespread inconvenience"
    Explanation: "Result in" is a more precise and formal way to describe the consequence of an action, improving the academic tone.

13. "hinder a nation’s development" -> "impede a nation’s development"
    Explanation: "Impede" is a more formal and precise term than "hinder," which is somewhat less formal and slightly vague.

14. "I am of the opinion that" -> "I maintain that"
    Explanation: "I maintain that" is a more assertive and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to "I am of the opinion that."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of investing in young people while also acknowledging that this approach alone is insufficient. The introduction clearly outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs provide a balanced view by discussing both the benefits of investing in youth and the necessity of other investments. The examples of South Korea and Finland serve to illustrate the positive outcomes of prioritizing education. However, the essay could further elaborate on the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement, as it primarily presents a mixed view without a strong emphasis on the degree of agreement.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement in the introduction and conclusion, perhaps using phrases like "I strongly agree" or "I partially agree," which would clarify their stance. Additionally, providing more specific examples of how other investments (like economic or infrastructure) directly support youth development could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that while investing in youth is important, it must be complemented by other measures. This position is consistently reflected throughout the essay, particularly in the transition from discussing the benefits of investing in youth to the necessity of addressing economic and infrastructural needs. However, the nuances of the position could be more explicitly articulated, especially in terms of the balance between the two perspectives.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use more definitive language when discussing their position. For instance, instead of saying "I believe it is not sufficient on its own," they could state "I believe that while it is crucial, it is insufficient without additional investments." This would reinforce their stance and help the reader understand the weight of their argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the first body paragraph where the importance of investing in youth is discussed. The use of examples from South Korea and Finland effectively supports the claim. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples or statistics to support the argument about the importance of economic and infrastructural investment. The ideas are logically extended, but some points feel slightly underdeveloped.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer could include specific data or case studies that illustrate the impact of economic stability and infrastructure on youth outcomes. For example, citing a specific program or initiative that has successfully integrated youth investment with economic development could provide a more robust argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the necessity of investing in youth while also considering other critical areas. There are no significant deviations from the main topic, and the arguments presented are relevant to the prompt. However, the conclusion could more strongly tie back to the prompt by reiterating the writer’s overall stance on the extent of agreement.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer could ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt. In the conclusion, restating the main argument in relation to the prompt would reinforce the essay’s relevance and provide a stronger closure. For example, explicitly summarizing the extent of agreement in the conclusion would help solidify the essay’s focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, with an introduction that outlines the main argument and subsequent paragraphs that develop this argument effectively. The first body paragraph emphasizes the importance of investing in youth, supported by examples from South Korea and Finland. The second body paragraph introduces a counterpoint, discussing the necessity of balancing youth investment with economic and infrastructure development. This logical progression allows the reader to follow the writer’s reasoning easily.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow further, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could begin with a sentence that directly states the benefits of investing in youth, while the second could clearly indicate that it will discuss the need for a broader approach. This would reinforce the logical structure and guide the reader more effectively through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets up the discussion, while the body paragraphs develop the main points. Each paragraph is well-structured, with a clear main idea followed by supporting details. However, the conclusion, while summarizing the argument, could be more distinct in its own paragraph to reinforce the overall structure.
  • How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion is clearly separated from the body paragraphs. This can be done by starting a new paragraph for the conclusion, which would help to visually and structurally indicate the end of the argument and the beginning of the summary. Additionally, consider reiterating the main points briefly in the conclusion to reinforce the argument’s coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("however," "by the same token") and referencing ("this could be exemplified by the fact that"). These devices help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. The use of examples from specific countries also serves as a cohesive element, linking the argument to real-world scenarios. However, there is a slight over-reliance on certain cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "however," alternative phrases such as "on the other hand" or "conversely" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and lengths can enhance the overall cohesion and make the writing more engaging. Using synonyms or rephrasing ideas can also help avoid repetition and maintain reader interest.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and impact of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "paramount importance," "investment priority," and "cutting-edge educational initiatives." These expressions convey complex ideas effectively and enhance the overall sophistication of the writing. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "investing" and "investment" could be substituted with synonyms like "allocating resources" or "funding" to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "investing in youth," alternatives such as "supporting young people" or "nurturing the younger generation" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more idiomatic expressions or collocations relevant to the topic could further enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, with terms like "emergence," "innovators," and "critical thinking" being appropriately applied in context. However, there are moments where the precision of vocabulary could be improved. For example, the phrase "the consequences of ignoring the deterioration of these essential services could be widespread inconvenience" could be more precisely articulated. The term "widespread inconvenience" is vague and could be replaced with a more specific description of the potential impacts, such as "significant disruptions to daily life."
  • How to improve: To increase precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey exact meanings. This can be achieved by considering the context and the specific implications of the terms used. For example, instead of "widespread inconvenience," the writer could specify the types of disruptions that might occur, such as "increased travel times" or "limited access to healthcare services." Engaging in exercises that focus on context-based vocabulary usage can also aid in developing this skill.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. Words such as "education," "infrastructure," and "prosperity" are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. However, there is a minor error in the phrase "citizens’s quality of life," where the possessive form is incorrectly applied. The correct form should be "citizens’ quality of life."
  • How to improve: To maintain high spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying close attention to possessive forms and contractions. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or quizzes can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there are opportunities for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively seeking synonyms, refining word choices for precision, and proofreading for minor errors, the writer can further enhance their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "The logic is straightforward: younger individuals deserve to receive the investment priority in education and well-being, due to which they are future leaders, innovators and workforce of a nation" effectively convey nuanced ideas. The use of conditional structures, as seen in "would only work if other aspects of society were given priority as well," adds depth to the argument. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, which contributes to a dynamic flow. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be further diversified, particularly in the use of more varied introductory phrases and clauses.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex grammatical forms, such as participial phrases or relative clauses. For example, instead of saying "countries should focus on investing in their young generations," you could rephrase it to "countries, recognizing the potential of their young generations, should prioritize investment in education and development." This not only adds variety but also enhances the sophistication of your writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "citizens’s quality of life" contains an incorrect possessive form; it should be "citizens’ quality of life." Additionally, the punctuation is mostly correct, with appropriate use of commas to separate clauses and items in a list. However, there are instances where clarity could be improved through better punctuation, such as in the sentence "the emergence of skillful and promising younger generations – a primary key to creating a society that values independence, innovation, and critical thinking," where a colon might be more appropriate than a dash.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to possessive forms and ensure that they are correctly applied. Additionally, review the use of punctuation marks to ensure they enhance clarity. For example, consider using colons for lists or explanations and semicolons to connect closely related independent clauses. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on your writing can also help in identifying and correcting these minor errors.

By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay can achieve an even higher level of sophistication and clarity, potentially moving towards a Band 9 in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that countries should focus on investing in their young generations to optimally prepare for their future. While acknowledging that this proposal is necessary, I believe it is not sufficient on its own and should be complemented by other measures.

It is of paramount importance to invest in youth to shape the nation’s future. The logic is straightforward: younger individuals deserve to receive investment priority in education and well-being, as they are the future leaders, innovators, and workforce of a nation. This can be exemplified by the fact that many countries, such as South Korea and Finland, have invested heavily in their education systems and, as a result, have seen the emergence of skillful and promising younger generations—a primary key to creating a society that values independence, innovation, and critical thinking.

However, focusing on young people would only work if other aspects of society were given priority as well. Economic development is clearly a sphere that cannot be overlooked. Without a stable economic foundation, even the most cutting-edge educational initiatives may struggle to achieve their intended impact. By the same token, investing in infrastructure is vital. The current state of public services, such as healthcare and transportation, directly affects citizens’ quality of life. The consequences of ignoring the deterioration of these essential services could be widespread inconvenience, or in the worst scenario, hinder a nation’s development.

In conclusion, while directing more resources toward today’s youth serves as a precursor to developing the future prospects of a nation, I contend that it is insufficient on its own. A more comprehensive approach would combine this focus with strategic investment in economics and infrastructure, ensuring a well-rounded foundation for a country’s future prosperity.