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The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that investing more resources in the young generation is the greatest way for a country to be ready for the future. In my perspective, I partly agree with that statement.
It can not be denied that youngster plays an essential role in the development of the country such as being the main workforce of society. Because they have more advanced education and skilled workforces leads to faster economic improvement. Furthermore, in today’s ever-evolving world of technology, staying updated is crucial. A good example is that the older generation grew up in wartime when the food was incredibly short so education and technology were very luxurious compared to the adolescent today who has more condition to approach this knowledge.
However, there is no reason for the government to forget the older generations and middle-aged workforce who require more healthcare, social support, continuous training, and job security. For these generations especially in Japan which has a proportion elderly population maximizing all groups of people is necessary. To achieve this, additional resources must be provided to other sectors including health protection, social support, and job guarantee. Ignoring these areas can lead to the difference between social inequally that directly impact to country’s total development. Moreover, appropriate investments in facilities such as transportation, communications, and energy systems also contribute to the prosperity of a country.
In conclusion, I slightly with this opinion, as the young play an important role in contemporary society but it is not the only way. To achieve this goal, other factors also need to be addressed.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It can not be denied that youngster plays an essential role" -> "It cannot be denied that the younger generation plays an essential role"
    Explanation: Replacing "youngster" with "younger generation" and correcting the verb form to "plays" enhances formality and precision, aligning with academic style. Additionally, "younger generation" is a more suitable term for a formal essay.

  2. "Because they have more advanced education and skilled workforces leads to faster economic improvement." -> "Due to their advanced education and skilled workforce, they contribute to faster economic improvement."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing "leads to" with "contribute to," enhances the academic tone. Also, using "their" before "advanced education" ensures a clear reference to the younger generation.

  3. "Furthermore, in today’s ever-evolving world of technology, staying updated is crucial." -> "Furthermore, in today’s rapidly evolving technological landscape, staying abreast of developments is crucial."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal phrase, "technological landscape," and emphasizes the dynamic nature of technology. "Abreast of developments" is a more precise and formal alternative to "staying updated."

  4. "A good example is that the older generation grew up in wartime when the food was incredibly short so education and technology were very luxurious compared to the adolescent today who has more condition to approach this knowledge." -> "A pertinent example is that the older generation grew up during wartime when resources, including food, were scarce. Consequently, access to education and technology was considerably limited, unlike today’s adolescents who have more favorable conditions for acquiring this knowledge."
    Explanation: The revision addresses the verbosity and lack of clarity in the original sentence. It replaces informal expressions like "incredibly short" with more formal and precise terms. Additionally, it improves the structure for better flow and understanding.

  5. "there is no reason for the government to forget the older generations" -> "there is no justification for the government to overlook the older generations"
    Explanation: Substituting "forget" with "overlook" and adding "justification" enhances formality and precision. "Overlook" is a more appropriate term in an academic context.

  6. "For these generations especially in Japan which has a proportion elderly population maximizing all groups of people is necessary." -> "For these generations, especially in a country like Japan with a significant elderly population, optimizing support for all age groups is essential."
    Explanation: The revision addresses the lack of clarity and awkward phrasing in the original sentence. It also replaces informal expressions like "maximizing all groups of people" with a more formal and clear statement.

  7. "Ignoring these areas can lead to the difference between social inequally that directly impact to country’s total development." -> "Neglecting these areas can result in social inequality, directly impacting the country’s overall development."
    Explanation: The revision corrects the grammatical errors and replaces informal expressions like "the difference between social inequally" with a more precise and formal term, "social inequality."

  8. "appropriate investments in facilities such as transportation, communications, and energy systems also contribute to the prosperity of a country." -> "Strategic investments in infrastructure, including transportation, communications, and energy systems, also contribute to the prosperity of a country."
    Explanation: The revision introduces the term "strategic investments" for formality and specifies the nature of the investments for clarity. It enhances the overall academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

  1. Quoted text: "Some people argue that investing more resources in the young generation is the greatest way for a country to be ready for the future. In my perspective, I partly agree with that statement."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity on your stance regarding the essay prompt. It is essential to clearly state whether you agree, disagree, or have a balanced view. This sets the tone for your essay and helps readers understand your position from the beginning. Consider rephrasing to explicitly state your agreement or disagreement.
    • Improved example: "I partially agree with the notion that investing more resources in the young generation is crucial for a country’s future preparedness."
  2. Quoted text: "It can not be denied that youngster plays an essential role in the development of the country such as being the main workforce of society. Because they have more advanced education and skilled workforces leads to faster economic improvement. Furthermore, in today’s ever-evolving world of technology, staying updated is crucial."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you present the idea of the young generation being the main workforce and the importance of advanced education, the connection between these points and the country’s future preparation is not explicitly made. Provide specific examples or reasons to support the link between the young generation’s education and workforce and the country’s future readiness.
    • Improved example: "The young generation, as the main workforce, significantly contributes to a country’s development. For instance, their advanced education and skills not only lead to faster economic improvement but also ensure the nation stays competitive in today’s evolving technological landscape."
  3. Quoted text: "However, there is no reason for the government to forget the older generations and middle-aged workforce who require more healthcare, social support, continuous training, and job security."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you acknowledge the importance of older and middle-aged populations, it would strengthen your argument to explain how investing more resources in the young generation does not necessarily mean neglecting other age groups. Provide examples or reasons to show that balanced resource allocation can address the needs of all generations.
    • Improved example: "It is crucial for the government to address the needs of older and middle-aged populations, ensuring healthcare, social support, continuous training, and job security. However, allocating resources to the young generation does not inherently mean neglecting others; a balanced approach can meet the diverse needs of all age groups."

Overall, your essay addresses the task partially, with some ideas lacking development and connections between points needing further clarification. Work on explicitly stating your stance, providing concrete examples, and strengthening the linkage between your points for a more cohesive and convincing argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents a coherent response with generally clear progression of ideas. There is an attempt to organize information logically, but the coherence within and between sentences is occasionally faulty. The essay effectively uses some cohesive devices, though there are instances of mechanical use. Paragraphing is present but not always logically structured. The central topic within each paragraph is generally clear, contributing to overall coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on strengthening the logical relationship between ideas within sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used more naturally and purposefully, avoiding mechanical usage. Improve paragraphing by organizing ideas more logically and consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, consider refining referencing and substitution to reduce any repetitive elements and enhance the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the author shows awareness of style and collocation. Occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively conveys the main points with a variety of vocabulary, contributing to overall coherence and cohesion.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and aim for a higher band score, the author should focus on refining word choice and minimizing errors in spelling and word formation. Additionally, incorporating a broader range of sophisticated vocabulary and utilizing it consistently throughout the essay would further elevate the lexical quality. Striving for more precise and nuanced expressions can contribute to achieving a Band 8 score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, reflecting a moderate level of grammatical range. There are instances of errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely impede communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, though some inaccuracies are present. Overall, the essay shows an acceptable level of grammatical control.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure: Aim to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures. Add complexity to your sentences by using subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation. While errors are infrequent, proofreading can help eliminate minor mistakes and enhance overall accuracy.
  3. Clarity of Ideas: Ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly. Some sentences are slightly convoluted, and refining the structure can enhance the essay’s overall coherence.

Note: Achieving a higher band score involves refining sentence structures for more complexity and consistently maintaining grammatical accuracy throughout the essay. Keep practicing to further enhance your language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that focusing more resources on the younger generation is the key for a country to prepare for the future. From my perspective, I partially agree with this idea.

It’s undeniable that young people play a crucial role in a country’s development, serving as the primary workforce. Their advanced education and skills contribute to rapid economic progress. Additionally, in today’s fast-paced technological world, staying updated is vital. For instance, compared to older generations who grew up during times of scarcity, today’s youth have better access to education and technology.

However, it’s important not to overlook the needs of the older and middle-aged workforce, who require more healthcare, social support, ongoing training, and job security. This is especially critical in countries like Japan, where there’s a significant elderly population. It’s essential to maximize support across all age groups. This entails allocating additional resources to sectors like healthcare, social support, and ensuring job stability. Neglecting these areas can lead to social inequality, directly impacting a country’s overall development. Furthermore, investing in infrastructure such as transportation, communications, and energy systems also contributes significantly to a nation’s prosperity.

In conclusion, I lean toward the notion that the youth play a pivotal role in today’s society, but I don’t believe it’s the sole solution. To truly prepare for the future, attention must be given to various other factors.

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