The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest resources in its young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Among a diversity of objects to concentrate on in preparation for the future of a nation, the young generation is perceived as the most deserving to receive the precious investment from the government. However, from my perspective, I strongly disapprove of this argument because of population aging and since if the fundamental country background still remains outdated , capability injection into the youth will possibly result in a counterproductive outcome.
Admittedly, the young generation uniquely possesses multiple inherent qualities which are believed to be the deciding key factors in innovating the future of a nation, such as enthusiasm, creativity, intelligence, and adaptiveness to an ever-changing world. Therefore, the young people have long been expected to contribute to the national developments far more than any other factors. Nevertheless, I believe this is a relatively short-sighted point of view. No matter how excellent these young people are, they will have to encounter several arduous or even insurmountable challenges if they have to develop a country which is extremely impoverished and lacks basic prerequisites to bloom such as infrastructure, facilities, job vacancies and so on. If that national background perpetuates any longer, it stands a high likelihood that the young people will leave their motherland for another destination that offers them better opportunities for life. Hence, the initial investment will hardly yield any accomplishment rather than splurging national budgets on foreign countries.
One further point to note is that a variety of countries has now encountered the situation of population aging, leading to a decline in the number of young people in society. With such an ever-shrinking proportion of the young generation, their influences on country growth will be relatively modest, thus, endowing young people with national resources will not generate as much productivity as other investments on technology, infrastructure, science, and so on, for instance.
In conclusion, offering the young essential resources can not take the lead role in arranging for a country’s prospective period. Not only can it end up creating counter effects but it is also turned less impactful on the national future than other factors by the population aging process.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"Among a diversity of objects to concentrate on" -> "Among various focal points"
Explanation: The phrase "objects to concentrate on" sounds somewhat informal in an academic context. "Focal points" is a more precise and formal term, aligning better with an academic tone.
"young generation" -> "youth" or "young populace"
Explanation: While "young generation" isn’t incorrect, using "youth" or "young populace" adds a touch of formality and conciseness commonly preferred in academic writing.
"perceived as the most deserving to receive the precious investment" -> "considered prime recipients of significant investment"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and less formal. The revised version maintains the intended meaning but in a more academic style, using concise language.
"I strongly disapprove of this argument" -> "I dissent from this argument"
Explanation: "Strongly disapprove" is a bit informal. "Dissent" conveys disagreement in a more formal and academic manner.
"since if the fundamental country background still remains outdated" -> "given the persistence of an outdated national infrastructure"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and formality. The revised version clarifies the idea using more academic language.
"capability injection into the youth" -> "investing in the capabilities of the younger population"
Explanation: "Capability injection" is informal. The revised phrase maintains clarity while adopting a more formal tone.
"counterproductive outcome" -> "adverse consequences"
Explanation: "Counterproductive outcome" is slightly informal. "Adverse consequences" fits better in an academic context.
"young generation uniquely possesses" -> "youth uniquely harbor"
Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more formal and concise way of expressing the possession of qualities by the younger population.
"deciding key factors" -> "decisive factors"
Explanation: The term "deciding key factors" is redundant. "Decisive factors" is more succinct and academically appropriate.
"far more than any other factors" -> "more significantly than other elements"
Explanation: The phrase "far more than any other factors" could be more concise. The suggested alternative maintains the meaning in a more academic manner.
"encounter several arduous or even insurmountable challenges" -> "face formidable challenges"
Explanation: The use of "arduous or even insurmountable challenges" is less formal. "Face formidable challenges" is a more refined and academically suitable expression.
"motherland" -> "home country"
Explanation: While "motherland" isn’t incorrect, "home country" is a more neutral and widely accepted term in academic writing.
"splurging national budgets on foreign countries" -> "overspending national budgets abroad"
Explanation: "Splurging" is somewhat informal. "Overspending" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the idea of excessive expenditure abroad.
"a variety of countries has now encountered" -> "several nations are currently facing"
Explanation: The phrase "a variety of countries has now encountered" lacks precision. "Several nations are currently facing" is more direct and appropriate in academic writing.
"endowing young people with national resources" -> "allocating national resources to young individuals"
Explanation: "Endowing young people with national resources" is less formal. The revised phrase maintains clarity while using more appropriate language for an academic context.
"prospective period" -> "future prospects"
Explanation: "Prospective period" is slightly awkward. "Future prospects" is a more natural and suitable term in academic language.
"counter effects" -> "adverse effects"
Explanation: "Counter effects" is informal. "Adverse effects" maintains formality while conveying the same idea.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the importance of investing in the young generation for a country’s future. However, it primarily focuses on disagreeing with this notion. It addresses the idea of investing in the young but primarily argues against it, not fully exploring the extent to which the country should invest in its youth.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced approach by not only presenting arguments against investing in the young but also acknowledging potential benefits. Provide a clearer stance on the degree to which investment in the youth should be made.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance against investing resources in the young for the future. It consistently argues that investing in youth might not be the most effective strategy due to the presence of other critical issues such as an outdated country background and population aging.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, articulate the position more explicitly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Use transitional phrases to strengthen coherence between paragraphs and reinforce the central argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas, discussing inherent qualities of the youth, challenges faced due to an outdated country background, and the impact of population aging. However, these ideas lack depth and development. The examples provided are limited, and the essay does not thoroughly elaborate on the presented points.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, provide specific examples or statistics supporting each argument. Develop each point more extensively by exploring potential counterarguments and addressing them to strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay broadly discusses the importance of investing in the youth, aging population issues, and the challenges faced due to an outdated country background. However, it occasionally diverts from the main focus by discussing the potential impact of young people leaving their country for better opportunities.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points directly relate to the extent to which a country should invest in its young people. Avoid tangential discussions that distract from the main argument and reinforce the relevance of each point to the main topic.
Overall Feedback and Recommendations:
- Develop a more balanced argument by acknowledging potential benefits of investing in the youth for a country’s future.
- Strengthen the essay’s structure by clearly outlining a stance in the introduction and reinforcing it throughout the essay.
- Elaborate on ideas with more specific examples and details to enhance the depth of discussion.
- Maintain a clear focus on the prompt and avoid discussing tangential ideas that do not directly contribute to the central argument.
Improving these aspects will help in presenting a more comprehensive and focused response, leading to a more well-rounded and developed essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear organizational structure. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by body paragraphs that present supporting arguments and examples, and finally, a conclusion that summarizes the main points. The logical progression of ideas is evident, making it easy for the reader to follow the author’s line of reasoning. For instance, the essay starts by addressing the significance of investing in the young generation and then progresses to discuss potential drawbacks.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, outlining the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. This can give the reader a clearer anticipation of the essay’s structure.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a specific idea, supporting it with relevant examples and explanations. The transitions between paragraphs are smooth, contributing to the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To strengthen paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. Transition words and phrases, such as "however," "admittedly," and "in conclusion," are used effectively to guide the reader through the argument. Pronouns and lexical cohesion contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally well-used, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions to avoid repetition. This can add nuance to the language and further enhance the essay’s overall cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, with a well-organized structure and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. To improve, focus on providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, ensuring clear topic sentences for each paragraph, and incorporating a wider range of expressions for cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a commendable breadth of vocabulary. There’s an adept use of diverse terms like "arduous," "insurmountable," "inherent," "prospective," and "counterproductive," which elevate the lexical range.
- How to improve: While the essay already displays a wide vocabulary, consider enhancing the precision and contextual appropriateness of some terms. For instance, instead of "arduous or even insurmountable challenges," consider employing a more precise phrase like "formidable obstacles." Additionally, strive for nuanced vocabulary to capture subtle differences in meaning.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precision by incorporating sophisticated vocabulary. However, there are instances where the intended meaning might benefit from more precise word choices. For instance, phrases like "national background" could be refined to specify the exact aspects being referred to, such as "economic infrastructure" or "socioeconomic foundations."
- How to improve: Focus on using terminology that precisely encapsulates the intended meaning. Avoid general or ambiguous terms that might leave room for interpretation. This can be achieved through a nuanced understanding of words and their contextual suitability.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. There are no evident spelling errors that impede understanding.
- How to improve: Maintain this level of accuracy by continuing to review and revise written work. Employing spelling checkers and proofreading techniques can help identify and rectify any potential errors that might slip through.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, showcasing a sophisticated range of terms. To enhance lexical resource further, aim for a more nuanced selection of vocabulary that precisely conveys intended meanings and contexts. Continue to refine language use through extensive reading and practice to develop a stronger command over a wide array of vocabulary.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("However, from my perspective, I strongly disapprove of this argument because of population aging and since if the fundamental country background still remains outdated"), compound sentences ("Admittedly, the young generation uniquely possesses multiple inherent qualities which are believed to be the deciding key factors in innovating the future of a nation"), and a mix of simple and compound-complex structures. While the variety is commendable, there is room for improvement in the fluency of these structures to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the effectiveness of sentence structures, strive for smoother transitions between ideas. Consider combining short sentences for greater fluency and vary the length to maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure that complex structures do not hinder clarity, and aim for a more seamless integration of ideas within sentences.
Use Grammar Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be refined. For example, "capability injection into the youth will possibly result in a counterproductive outcome" might benefit from clearer subject-verb agreement ("capability injection into the youth may possibly result in a counterproductive outcome").
How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb tense consistency. Proofread carefully to catch such errors and consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement.
Use Correct Punctuation:
Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where a more precise application could enhance clarity. For instance, "With such an ever-shrinking proportion of the young generation, their influences on country growth will be relatively modest, thus, endowing young people with national resources will not generate as much productivity as other investments" could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas.
How to improve: Focus on the appropriate use of punctuation marks to clarify the relationship between ideas. In this case, consider using a semicolon or separating the ideas into distinct sentences to improve readability. Additionally, be mindful of comma splices and run-on sentences to maintain precision in punctuation.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy. To enhance the final band score, pay attention to the fluency of sentence structures, refine grammar accuracy with a focus on subject-verb agreement, and ensure precise punctuation for improved clarity.
Bài sửa mẫu
Among various focal points to consider for the future, investing in the capabilities of the younger population is often seen as crucial. However, I dissent from this argument due to the persistence of an outdated national infrastructure, which could lead to adverse consequences if resources are solely directed toward the youth.
Undoubtedly, the youth uniquely harbor qualities like enthusiasm, creativity, intelligence, and adaptiveness, seen as decisive factors in shaping a nation’s future. Yet, overlooking the outdated infrastructure, lack of job opportunities, and impoverished conditions might pose formidable challenges. In such a scenario, even the most talented youth might face insurmountable obstacles in contributing to their home country’s progress. This situation may push them to seek better prospects elsewhere, nullifying the impact of the initial investment and resulting in overspending national budgets abroad.
Moreover, several nations are currently facing a decline in the number of young people due to population aging. Consequently, the influence of the youth on country growth becomes relatively modest. Allocating national resources to young individuals, while neglecting investments in technology, infrastructure, and sciences, may not yield as much productivity as anticipated.
In conclusion, while investing in the youth is pivotal, it cannot solely guarantee a country’s future prosperity. Neglecting other essential aspects and infrastructure could lead to adverse effects and diminish the overall impact of such investments, particularly in the face of population aging.