The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs show the categories of men and women who took part in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012.
The number of participants since the Olimpics began constantly rose dramatically through the years, especially female athletes.
It was only approximately 3100 participants at the first time Olympics began in 1924, with 3000 men and close to 100 women. In 1952, the number people participated Olympics had increased dramatically with 5000 people in total, it consisted of 4500 men and 400 women, the number of women quadruple than in 1952 .
The number of men and women joined Olympics event continued to raise in 1984, followed by about 5200 male and 1600 female athletes, resulted in average participants upward to roughly 6800 people. Finally, in 2012, there was 6000 men and around 4800 women participated event, this time it is a threefold increase in the number of athlete women.

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Errors and Improvements:

"The number of participants since the Olimpics began constantly rose dramatically through the years" -> "The number of participants in the Olympics has steadily and significantly increased over the years."
Explanation: "Since the Olympics began" is a more concise and grammatically correct way to express the time frame. "Rise" is replaced with "increase" for a more formal tone, and "constantly" is substituted with "steadily" to convey a smoother progression.
"It was only approximately 3100 participants at the first time Olympics began in 1924" -> "There were approximately 3,100 participants in the inaugural Olympics in 1924."
Explanation: This revision provides a clearer and more concise expression of the information. "It was only" is removed for brevity, and "the first time Olympics began" is changed to "inaugural Olympics" for accuracy and formality.
"with 3000 men and close to 100 women" -> "comprising 3,000 men and nearly 100 women"
Explanation: "With" is replaced with "comprising" for a more sophisticated phrasing. "Close to" is substituted with "nearly" for precision.
"In 1952, the number people participated Olympics had increased dramatically with 5000 people in total" -> "In 1952, the number of people participating in the Olympics had increased dramatically to 5,000 in total."
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical structure and improves clarity. "The number people participated Olympics" is rephrased to "the number of people participating in the Olympics," and "with 5000 people in total" is changed to "to 5,000 in total" for smoother syntax.
"it consisted of 4500 men and 400 women, the number of women quadruple than in 1952" -> "comprising 4,500 men and 400 women, quadrupling the number of women compared to 1952."
Explanation: This revision enhances clarity and conciseness. "It consisted of" is replaced with "comprising" for variety and "quadruple than in 1952" is rephrased to "quadrupling the number of women compared to 1952" for clearer comparison.
"The number of men and women joined Olympics event continued to raise in 1984" -> "The number of men and women participating in Olympic events continued to increase in 1984."
Explanation: "Joined Olympics event" is replaced with "participating in Olympic events" for clarity and precision. "Raise" is changed to "increase" for a more formal tone.
"resulted in average participants upward to roughly 6800 people" -> "resulting in an average participation of roughly 6,800 people."
Explanation: This revision corrects the syntax and improves clarity. "Resulted in average participants upward to" is changed to "resulting in an average participation of" for smoother expression.
"Finally, in 2012, there was 6000 men and around 4800 women participated event" -> "Finally, in 2012, there were 6,000 men and approximately 4,800 women participating in the event."
Explanation: This revision corrects the subject-verb agreement and improves clarity. "Participated event" is changed to "participating in the event" for accuracy and smoother expression.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by summarizing the information provided in the chart and graph about participants in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012. It provides an overview of the trends in the number of male and female participants over the years. However, there are several issues that prevent it from scoring higher. The essay lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the information. It fails to provide a clear structure or organization to the overview. Additionally, there are inaccuracies in the data presented, such as stating that there were approximately 3100 participants at the first Olympics in 1924, which contradicts the information provided in the prompt. The essay also lacks comparisons between the different years, which are required by the task.

How to improve:

Ensure accuracy in presenting the data from the chart and graph.
Provide a clear and organized structure for the overview, including comparisons between different years.
Avoid repetition and focus on presenting key features and trends effectively.
Use appropriate language and grammar to enhance clarity and coherence in the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay presents some information about the participation in the Olympics over different years but lacks coherence and cohesion necessary for higher bands. The information is not well-organized, with unclear progression and inconsistent use of cohesive devices. There are also issues with paragraphing and referencing, as the essay lacks clear paragraph breaks and the referencing of years and numbers is confusing.

How to improve:

Organisation: Ensure a clear structure with introduction, body paragraphs discussing different time periods, and a conclusion summarizing trends.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices (such as pronouns, conjunctions, and linking words) consistently to connect ideas logically.
Paragraphing: Separate different ideas into paragraphs to enhance readability and coherence.
Accuracy and Clarity: Ensure accurate use of numbers and clear referencing of time periods to avoid confusion.

Improving these aspects will help in achieving a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion criteria in IELTS Task 1 essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which adequately conveys the main features of the data. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation throughout the essay. For instance, "Olimpics" should be spelled as "Olympics," "the first time Olympics began" could be more accurately expressed as "the inaugural Olympics," and "participant" should be plural in several instances. Additionally, there are grammatical errors that impact clarity and precision, such as "the number people participated Olympics" instead of "the number of people who participated in the Olympics."

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary with greater accuracy and precision. Avoid repetitive language and focus on using appropriate terminology related to the topic. Proofread the essay carefully to correct spelling, word choice, and word formation errors. Additionally, strive for clarity and coherence in sentence structure to enhance overall readability and comprehension.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at utilizing a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating some varied structures. However, there are notable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the writing. Some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing and faulty punctuation. For example, "It was only approximately 3100 participants at the first time Olympics began in 1924, with 3000 men and close to 100 women" contains several grammatical errors and could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are instances of inaccurate verb tense usage, such as "the number people participated Olympics had increased dramatically."

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and paying closer attention to grammar and punctuation rules. Varied sentence structures should be utilized more consistently to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical flexibility. Proofreading for errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation would significantly improve the clarity and accuracy of the essay. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentence structures while maintaining accuracy would elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts illustrate the participation trends of men and women in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012. Overall, there was a notable increase in the number of participants over the years, particularly among female athletes.

In 1924, the inaugural year of the Olympics, approximately 3,100 individuals participated, comprising roughly 3,000 men and close to 100 women. By 1952, the total number of participants surged to 5,000, with 4,500 men and 400 women, marking a substantial increase in female representation. Notably, the number of female athletes quadrupled compared to 1924.

The upward trend continued in 1984, with around 6,800 individuals taking part in the Olympics. Of these, approximately 5,200 were male participants and 1,600 were female participants. This surge in participation further accentuated the growing presence of women in the Olympic events.

By 2012, the number of participants reached approximately 10,800, with 6,000 men and approximately 4,800 women. This marked a threefold increase in the number of female athletes compared to 1952, indicating a significant stride towards gender parity in Olympic participation.