The chart and graph below give the information about three categories of workers in Australia and unemployment levels within those categories.

The pie chart and the line graph delineate the proportion of three distinct laborers who were born in Australia in the year 2003 and unemployment in Australia between 1993 and 2003.
Upon initial observation, it is clear that laborers who were raised in Australia topped the list according to the pie chart. Additionally, it is also significant that the figure for workers without a job by three distinct day of birth witnessed a downward trend via line graph.
In the workforce pie chart, the Australian workers account for 76% of the total workforce. Follow by Nesc and Esc, comprising 14% and 10% respectively.
Looking at the unemployment rates, at first around 7% of individuals from Nesc were jobless. Despite a drop to approximately 3% by the conclusion of the period, this group consistently had the highest unemployment level. The Australian and ESC categories had the same trend, commencing with around 4% and descending to about 2% and slightly below 2% respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"delineate" -> "depict"
Explanation: While "delineate" is not incorrect, "depict" is a more common and straightforward term to describe what the pie chart and line graph are doing, which is showing or illustrating data.
"proportion" -> "distribution"
Explanation: While "proportion" technically works, "distribution" is a more precise term for describing how something is divided or spread out, particularly in the context of data representation like a pie chart or line graph.
"laborers" -> "workers"
Explanation: "Workers" is a more general term that encompasses all types of laborers, whereas "laborers" can sometimes have a narrower connotation.
"topped the list" -> "dominated"
Explanation: "Topped the list" is somewhat informal; "dominated" conveys a similar meaning in a more formal manner.
"significant" -> "noteworthy"
Explanation: "Noteworthy" is a synonym for "significant" but has a slightly more formal tone.
"without a job by three distinct day of birth" -> "by three distinct dates of birth"
Explanation: "Without a job by three distinct day of birth" is unclear and awkward. "By three distinct dates of birth" is clearer and grammatically correct.
"Follow by" -> "Followed by"
Explanation: "Follow by" is grammatically incorrect; "followed by" is the correct phrase to indicate sequence.
"Nesc" -> "NESB" (Non-English Speaking Background)
Explanation: "NESB" is the more commonly used acronym for "Non-English Speaking Background."
"Esc" -> "ESC" (English Speaking Background)
Explanation: Using "ESC" (English Speaking Background) in uppercase maintains consistency with "NESB" and also clarifies the acronym’s meaning.
"commencing" -> "starting"
Explanation: "Commencing" is slightly formal; "starting" is simpler and more commonly used.
"and descending to about 2% and slightly below 2% respectively." -> "and declining to approximately 2% and just under 2% respectively."
Explanation: "Descending" is accurate but "declining" is more commonly used in the context of decreasing trends. Additionally, "just under" is more precise than "slightly below" when referring to percentages.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data presented. It covers the proportion of three categories of workers born in Australia and unemployment levels within those categories. The key features, such as the dominance of Australian-born workers and the trends in unemployment rates, are highlighted.

How to improve: To improve, ensure the information is presented more cohesively and accurately. Provide clearer transitions between the description of the charts/graphs and the analysis. Additionally, aim for more precise language and avoid repetitive phrases like "Upon initial observation." Finally, strive for a more thorough discussion of the data without irrelevant details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are issues with overall progression and coherence. The introduction attempts to provide an overview of the data but lacks clarity and precision in describing the charts. Paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions, leading to a disjointed flow of ideas. Additionally, there are inconsistencies in referencing the data, and some information is repetitive. While there is an attempt at paragraphing, it is inadequate and contributes to the overall lack of coherence.

How to improve:

Clarify and refine the introduction to clearly describe the charts and provide a preview of the main trends.
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to the main idea of the essay and provides a logical progression of ideas.
Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs, creating a smoother flow of information.
Avoid repetition by synthesizing information rather than restating it.
Improve paragraphing by organizing information logically and using appropriate transitions between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary for the task, covering the main points with some clarity. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "delineate," "proportion," "distinct," "witnessed," and "commencing." However, there are noticeable errors in word choice and expression, leading to some confusion. For instance, "laborers who were raised in Australia topped the list according to the pie chart" could be better expressed as "Australian-born workers constituted the largest proportion, as indicated by the pie chart." Additionally, the essay lacks precision and clarity in conveying information, with sentences like "Follow by Nesc and Esc, comprising 14% and 10% respectively" being unclear. There are also some errors in word formation and spelling, such as "Nesc" instead of "NESB" (Non-English Speaking Background).

How to improve: To improve, focus on using more precise and appropriate vocabulary throughout the essay. Ensure clarity and coherence in expression by structuring sentences logically. Review and revise for spelling and word formation errors to enhance readability and communication. Additionally, strive for accuracy in conveying information, especially when referring to specific terms or data points.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, demonstrating a fair range of grammatical structures. While there are instances of clear expression and appropriate use of vocabulary, there are also noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring consistency in verb tense usage. Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and noun-pronoun agreement. Additionally, aim for clearer expression by revising awkward phrasing and ensuring coherence in your ideas. Regular practice with varied sentence structures and grammatical exercises can also be beneficial.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided visual aids comprise a pie chart and a line graph, elucidating the distribution of three distinct categories of workers native to Australia in the year 2003, alongside unemployment trends within these categories from 1993 to 2003.

Upon initial scrutiny, it becomes evident that individuals hailing from Australia constitute the largest segment of the workforce, as depicted in the pie chart. Furthermore, the line graph illustrates a declining trend in unemployment rates across all three categories of workers over the specified time frame.

According to the pie chart, Australian-born workers represent the majority, comprising 76% of the total workforce. This is followed by individuals classified as Nesc and Esc, constituting 14% and 10% respectively.

Turning to the unemployment data, initially, approximately 7% of Nesc workers were unemployed. However, this figure gradually decreased to around 3% by the end of the period. Despite this decline, Nesc workers consistently exhibited the highest unemployment rates throughout the period under consideration. Conversely, both Australian-born and Esc workers experienced similar trends, with initial unemployment rates of approximately 4%, descending to around 2% and slightly below 2% respectively by the conclusion of the period.

Overall, the pie chart and line graph provide a comprehensive overview of the distribution of native Australian workers across different categories and the corresponding unemployment trends from 1993 to 2003.