The chart below gives information about how people aged 25-34 are housed in the UK.

The bar chart illustrates the residence of the mature aged from 25 to 34 in the UK.

Overall, it is clear that the human age from 25 to 34 house owners witnessed an upward trend while the figure of renters in contrast was a downward trend.

In 2004, it is obvious that the percentage of the mature house owners was higher than others, almost reaching 60%, on the other hand 20% was this figure of renters while the mature didn’t have home private huge difference compared to house owners.

The figure also shows that in 2013 the trend of percentage of therenters overtook the home owners and finally in 2014 it reached the peak of the trend while the people who had bought any house were at the lowest minority during the rest of the period in the UK.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the residence of the mature aged" -> "the residency of individuals aged 25 to 34"
Explanation: "Residence" is a bit formal here, and "mature aged" is awkward phrasing. Using "individuals aged 25 to 34" is clearer and more natural.
"human age" -> "age group"
Explanation: "Human age" is not a standard term in this context. "Age group" is more appropriate for referring to people within a certain age range.
"house owners" -> "homeowners"
Explanation: "House owners" is grammatically correct but "homeowners" is more commonly used and sounds more natural in this context.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: "Witnessed" can imply passive observation, while "experienced" better conveys the active nature of the trend.
"was a downward trend" -> "exhibited a downward trend"
Explanation: "Was a downward trend" is a bit awkward. "Exhibited" adds clarity and precision to the description of the trend.
"it is obvious" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is obvious" is a bit too informal for this context. "It is evident" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
"the percentage of the mature house owners" -> "the proportion of homeowners in the mature age group"
Explanation: This revision clarifies that the percentage refers to homeowners within the specified age range, avoiding confusion with homeowners of any age.
"20% was this figure of renters" -> "20% constituted the proportion of renters"
Explanation: "20% was this figure of renters" is unclear and awkward. Clarifying that "20% constituted the proportion of renters" improves readability and precision.
"the mature didn’t have home private huge difference" -> "the proportion of homeowners in the mature age group didn’t exhibit a significant disparity"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and unclear. This revision clarifies that there wasn’t a significant difference in homeownership rates among the specified age group.
"the trend of percentage of therenters overtook the home owners" -> "the percentage of renters surpassed that of homeowners"
Explanation: This revision simplifies the phrasing and clarifies that renters began to outnumber homeowners.
"it reached the peak of the trend" -> "it peaked"
Explanation: "Reached the peak of the trend" is redundant. "It peaked" is concise and conveys the same meaning.
"the people who had bought any house" -> "individuals who had purchased a home"
Explanation: "The people who had bought any house" is awkward phrasing. "Individuals who had purchased a home" is more concise and formal.
"were at the lowest minority" -> "constituted the smallest minority"
Explanation: "Lowest minority" is not idiomatic. "Constituted the smallest minority" is clearer and more precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

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Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by describing the trends in housing for people aged 25-34 in the UK. It provides an overview of the main trends, mentioning the increase in renters and decrease in homeowners over time. However, there are some inaccuracies and the presentation of key features could be clearer.
How to improve: Provide more accurate and detailed descriptions of the data presented in the chart. Ensure clarity in presenting the key trends and avoid irrelevant or repetitive information. Use a more formal tone and structure for better coherence and cohesion in the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization but lacks overall progression. There is an attempt to introduce the topic and provide an overview, but the development of ideas lacks clarity and coherence. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, leading to repetition and confusion. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks consistency and logical flow.
How to improve: Focus on structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use a variety of cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas and avoid repetition. Improve paragraphing by organizing ideas logically within each paragraph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, with some repetitive language and minimal variation in word choice. While the essay attempts to describe the trends shown in the chart, it lacks precision and sophistication in its lexical choices. There are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay, such as "human age" instead of "age group," "house owners" instead of "homeowners," and awkward phrasing like "the mature didn’t have home private huge difference compared to house owners." These errors and lack of variety in vocabulary may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message clearly.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary more effectively. They should strive for more precise and appropriate word choices, avoiding repetition and awkward phrasing. Additionally, paying closer attention to word formation and spelling will help enhance clarity and coherence in their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of structures, including simple and complex sentences. There are instances of complex sentence forms, but they tend to be less accurate, causing some confusion. The essay lacks consistency in grammatical accuracy and punctuation, with frequent errors that can impede understanding. While some aspects of grammar and punctuation are controlled, the errors are noticeable and can detract from clarity.

How to improve: To improve, focus on enhancing the range of sentence structures used, ensuring accuracy and clarity. Practice constructing complex sentences more effectively, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, sentence cohesion, and punctuation. Review grammar rules and punctuation usage to minimize errors and enhance overall coherence. Additionally, strive for greater precision and clarity in conveying ideas to improve overall readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart presents data on the housing situations of individuals aged 25 to 34 in the UK.

Overall, there was a noticeable shift in housing tenure among this age group over the period shown. Specifically, there was a steady increase in the proportion of homeowners, while the percentage of renters declined.

In 2004, the majority of individuals in this age bracket were homeowners, comprising nearly 60% of the total. Meanwhile, renters accounted for approximately 20% of the cohort. The disparity between homeowners and renters was significant during this time.

By 2013, there was a reversal in the trend, with the percentage of renters surpassing that of homeowners. This trend continued into 2014, with renters reaching their peak while homeownership declined to its lowest level within the observed period in the UK.