The chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart illustrates how the age of the Australia's females when they give birth to their first child in 4 ranges in 1966, 1986 and 2006.
As presented in the diagram, there was a descending tendency in the 19-24-year-old and under 19-year-old Australia's women bore their first child, while the opposite is true for remaining factors. It is evident that the over 40 consistently had the lowest data over the reported time fame.
Initially, the proportion of Australia's females gave birth to their first child at age 25-30 started at about 36, after which experienced an escalation to 50 before ending the period with a rapid decrease to 38. Similar changes, yet to lesser extents, can also be seen in the figures for women aged 30-34 and 34-39 that uninterruptedly increase from 12% to 44% and from 8% to 30% respectively in 3 years.
Moving to the remaining factors, 34% and 61% of the Australia's females age under 19 and 19-24 bore their first child in 1966, with a subsequent plunged to about 11% and 28% in 2006. Moreover, it is the stastistics of above 40 that dwindled from 4% to 2% in the first 2 years, then grew to 6% in 2006.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the age of the Australia’s females" -> "the age of Australian females"
Explanation: "The age of the Australia’s females" is awkward and overly wordy. Simplifying it to "Australian females" maintains clarity and conciseness.
"in 4 ranges" -> "across four categories"
Explanation: "in 4 ranges" is imprecise and lacks specificity. "Across four categories" provides a clearer description of the data presented in the chart.
"descending tendency" -> "declining trend"
Explanation: "Descending tendency" is less commonly used and may sound awkward. "Declining trend" is a more concise and standard way to describe a decrease over time.
"bore their first child" -> "gave birth to their first child"
Explanation: "Bore their first child" is less commonly used and sounds somewhat archaic. "Gave birth to their first child" is a more modern and commonly accepted phrase.
"over the reported time fame" -> "over the reported time frame"
Explanation: "Time fame" is incorrect; the correct term is "time frame." "Time frame" refers to the period during which data is collected or analyzed.
"started at about 36" -> "commenced at approximately 36"
Explanation: "Started at about 36" could be more formally expressed as "commenced at approximately 36" to enhance the academic tone of the essay.
"escalation" -> "increase"
Explanation: "Escalation" is somewhat formal and may not be the most suitable choice here. "Increase" is a simpler and more commonly used term in this context.
"rapid decrease" -> "sharp decline"
Explanation: "Rapid decrease" is adequate, but "sharp decline" is more precise and commonly used to describe a significant drop over a short period.
"Similar changes, yet to lesser extents" -> "Similar changes, albeit to a lesser degree"
Explanation: "Yet to lesser extents" is awkward and unclear. "Albeit to a lesser degree" is a more concise and precise way to express the idea.
"figures for women aged 30-34 and 34-39" -> "figures for women aged 30-34 and 35-39"
Explanation: The original phrase "figures for women aged 30-34 and 34-39" contains a mistake in the second age range. It should be "figures for women aged 30-34 and 35-39" to maintain accuracy.
"uninterruptedly increase" -> "steadily increase"
Explanation: "Uninterruptedly increase" is redundant and awkward. "Steadily increase" conveys the same meaning more succinctly.
"34% and 61% of the Australia’s females" -> "34% and 61% of Australian females"
Explanation: Similar to the first error, "the Australia’s females" should be simplified to "Australian females" for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the chart and making relevant comparisons between age groups and years. It presents an overview with information appropriately selected, covering the age ranges and changes over time. Key features such as trends in different age groups are highlighted. However, the presentation could be more cohesive and the details provided are sometimes inaccurate or unclear, such as in the sentence "Moving to the remaining factors…". Additionally, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from clarity.
How to improve: To improve, ensure the essay maintains clarity and accuracy throughout. Avoid unnecessary repetition and strive for smoother transitions between points. Also, pay attention to grammar and phrasing to enhance readability and coherence. Further development of key points with specific data from the chart can strengthen the analysis. Consider revising sentences for clarity and precision, and proofread for errors before submission.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information about the age of Australian women when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986, and 2006. There is some organization in the presentation of information, with comparisons made between different age groups and across the three time periods. However, there are issues with overall coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which could help provide better structure and coherence. Additionally, there are some instances of unclear or awkward phrasing, which affect the overall flow of the essay. Paragraphing is somewhat inconsistent, with some paragraphs being overly long, and there are repetitive elements in the language used.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay could benefit from a clearer structure, including a well-defined introduction and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea or set of data, with clear topic sentences to guide the reader. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases could be improved to better connect ideas and improve the flow of the essay. Finally, attention to paragraphing, ensuring each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the data presented, would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary, including some less common words such as "escalation," "plunged," and "dwindled." However, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "Australia’s females gave birth" instead of "Australia’s females gave birth," and "stastistics" instead of "statistics." Additionally, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that hinder clarity and coherence, such as "experienced an escalation to 50 before ending the period with a rapid decrease to 38."
How to improve:
To improve, the writer should focus on using vocabulary more accurately and appropriately. They should also work on sentence structure and coherence to ensure that their ideas are expressed clearly and logically. Additionally, they should pay attention to grammar and spelling to avoid errors that can impact the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and precision. Some of these errors include issues with subject-verb agreement ("the Australia’s females"), awkward phrasing ("interrupetdly increase"), and inconsistent verb tense usage ("it is the statistics of above 40 that dwindled"). Punctuation errors also occur, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization ("stastistics"). While the essay attempts to convey the main features of the chart, the frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can impede understanding and cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on sentence structure variety and accuracy. Review subject-verb agreement rules, tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Additionally, aim for clearer and more concise phrasing to enhance readability. Practicing proofreading and editing techniques can help in identifying and correcting errors effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart delineates the age distribution of Australian women at the time of their first childbirth across three different years: 1966, 1986, and 2006.

Overall, it is discernible that there was a general decline in the percentage of women aged 19-24 and under 19 giving birth to their first child, whereas an opposite trend is observed in the other age brackets. Notably, the age group over 40 consistently exhibited the lowest proportion across the reported timeframe.

Commencing with the age bracket of 25-30, the proportion of Australian women giving birth in this range commenced at approximately 36% in 1966, experienced an ascent to 50% before declining sharply to 38% by 2006. A similar pattern, albeit to a lesser degree, is observable in the percentages for women aged 30-34 and 35-39, which steadily increased from 12% to 44% and 8% to 30% respectively over the three-year intervals.

Conversely, in 1966, 34% and 61% of Australian women aged under 19 and 19-24 respectively bore their first child, figures which plummeted to about 11% and 28% by 2006. Furthermore, the proportion of women over 40 decreased from 4% to 2% within the initial two years, subsequently rising to 6% by 2006.