The chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they give birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates how the proportions of the age at which Australian women giving first for their first time varied every twenty years from 1966 to 2006.
Overall, there was a pronounced decline in the rate of Australian females expecting their first baby aging under 24 throughout the given timeframe while the percentages of mothers over 25 went up to varying degrees. Although the proportion of women at the age of 19 to 24 ranked the highest ever in the initial year, it was overtaken by the group of 30 to 34, which showed a significant increase in the last year.
Concerning the two decreasing statistics, despite peaking the highest ever at over 60% in 1966, the percentage of first-time mothers aging from 19 to 24 almost halved in the second year before reaching its lowest point of below 30% in 2006, dropping to the fourth position. Likewise, the group of women under 19 also experienced a sharp decrease by over 10% from 30% in 1986, followed by a further reduction to slightly above 10% in the last year.
Regarding the exponentially soaring groups, albeit starting at a modest rate of 10% in 1966 and only slightly increasing in 1986, the percentage of Australian first-time mothers from 30 to 34 soared threefold to over 40% in 2006, registering the highest figure in the last year. Similarly, the proportion of first-time mothers from 34 to 39 also demonstrated a threefold surge from above 10% in 1986 to 30% in 2006.
In terms of the 25 to 30 and over 40 groups, rising notwithstanding, after a soar to the highest of all at 50% in the second year, the percentage of Australian females expecting the first child went down to below 40% in 2006. By contrast, the latter witnessed a marginal decline in 1986 before a negligible rise in the last year, maintaining the lowest figure with under 10% for the given three years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"giving first for their first time" -> "having their first child for the first time"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"every twenty years" -> "every 20 years"
Explanation: Using numbers in digits is more precise and commonly accepted in academic writing, especially when referring to specific time intervals.
"pronounced decline" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Significant" is more academically appropriate than "pronounced," which can imply a more subjective judgment.
"went up to varying degrees" -> "increased to varying degrees"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more precise term than "went up," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"ranked the highest ever" -> "achieved the highest rate"
Explanation: "Achieved the highest rate" is more specific and formal than "ranked the highest ever," which is somewhat colloquial.
"peaking the highest ever" -> "peaked at its highest ever"
Explanation: "Peaking" is a verb form that should be used with the past participle "peaked" to correctly describe a completed action.
"almost halved" -> "nearly halved"
Explanation: "Nearly" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe approximate changes, whereas "almost" can be seen as slightly informal.
"Likewise" -> "Similarly"
Explanation: "Similarly" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "Likewise," which can sound informal.
"exponentially soaring" -> "markedly increasing"
Explanation: "Markedly increasing" is a more precise and formal way to describe significant growth, whereas "exponentially soaring" is overly dramatic and informal.
"soared threefold" -> "increased by a factor of three"
Explanation: "Increased by a factor of three" is a more precise and formal expression than "soared threefold," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"soar to the highest of all" -> "reached its highest point"
Explanation: "Reached its highest point" is more formal and precise than "soar to the highest of all," which is colloquial.
"went down" -> "decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "went down," which is informal.
"marginal decline" -> "slight decline"
Explanation: "Slight" is a more commonly used academic term than "marginal," which can be less familiar in this context.
"negligible rise" -> "minimal increase"
Explanation: "Minimal increase" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing than "negligible rise."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that the percentage of first-time mothers aging from 19 to 24 "almost halved" in 1986, but it does not provide the exact figures. This makes it difficult for the reader to understand the extent of the change. Additionally, the essay uses some unnecessary detail, such as the statement that the group of women under 19 "experienced a sharp decrease by over 10% from 30% in 1986." This information is not essential to understanding the main trends in the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more precise figures and by focusing on the most important trends in the data. The essay could also be made more concise by removing unnecessary detail. For example, the essay could simply state that the percentage of first-time mothers aging from 19 to 24 decreased significantly between 1966 and 2006. This would be a more concise and effective way of presenting the information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from one idea to the next. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences appears mechanical or slightly faulty. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, leading to some confusion in the flow of ideas. The central topics of each paragraph are identifiable, but the organization could be improved for better clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph has a clear, distinct focus and flows logically into the next would strengthen the overall organization. Lastly, reducing redundancy and ensuring that referencing is clear will help improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "giving first for their first time" and "the group of women under 19 also experienced a sharp decrease by over 10%." While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, there are noticeable errors in word formation and spelling, such as "soaring groups" and "the highest ever," which detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, practicing spelling and word formation will help reduce errors. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some effective uses of complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the age at which Australian women giving first for their first time" are convoluted and may confuse the reader. Additionally, there are instances of incorrect word forms and punctuation issues, such as "the percentages of mothers over 25 went up to varying degrees," which could be more clearly expressed. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors do affect the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentences while ensuring clarity. Avoid convoluted phrases and focus on straightforward expression.
Proofread for Errors: Take time to review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors. Correcting these will improve the overall accuracy and professionalism of the writing.
Expand Vocabulary: Use a broader range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. This can help avoid repetition and enhance the sophistication of the writing.
Practice Cohesion: Work on using cohesive devices effectively to link ideas and paragraphs, which will improve the flow of the essay and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates how the proportions of the age at which Australian women give birth to their first child varied every twenty years from 1966 to 2006.

Overall, there was a pronounced decline in the rate of Australian females having their first baby at ages under 24 throughout the given timeframe, while the percentages of mothers over 25 increased to varying degrees. Although the proportion of women aged 19 to 24 was the highest in the initial year, it was overtaken by the group aged 30 to 34, which showed a significant increase by the last year.

Concerning the two decreasing statistics, despite peaking at over 60% in 1966, the percentage of first-time mothers aged 19 to 24 almost halved in 1986 before reaching its lowest point of below 30% in 2006, dropping to the fourth position. Likewise, the group of women under 19 also experienced a sharp decrease of over 10% from 30% in 1986, followed by a further reduction to slightly above 10% in the last year.

Regarding the exponentially increasing groups, although starting at a modest rate of 10% in 1966 and only slightly increasing in 1986, the percentage of Australian first-time mothers aged 30 to 34 soared threefold to over 40% in 2006, registering the highest figure in the final year. Similarly, the proportion of first-time mothers aged 34 to 39 also demonstrated a threefold surge from above 10% in 1986 to 30% in 2006.

In terms of the 25 to 30 and over 40 groups, while the former rose initially, after peaking at the highest level of 50% in 1986, the percentage of Australian females expecting their first child decreased to below 40% in 2006. By contrast, the latter group witnessed a marginal decline in 1986 before a negligible rise in the last year, maintaining the lowest figure of under 10% across the three years.