The chart below gives information about the journeys to school by children aged 11 to 16 in the UK in a year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given diagram delineates information pertaining to how children aged 11 to 16 in the UK travelled to school in a year.
Overall, it is evident that the majority of student choose walk and cycle to their school given that journeys were within 2 miles or shorter, whilst bus was the most common transportation for those who traveled over 5 miles.
Focusing on travelling under a mile, the chart reveals that walking took dominance over these commuting option with a remarkable percentage of 90%. Car and buses were less favored in this distance range, with respective figures being only 10% and 2%. In the distance of 1-2 miles, surprisingly, cycling emerged as the top choice travelling option for students, making up to 75% of the total journey. Notably, 60% of students would opt for walking in this category, tripled the size comparing to car and six times higher than those who choose bus to commute.
Shifting our attention to the distance of 2-5 miles, buses took the lead with precise proportion of 50%, which is doubled the least favour counterpart, walking. Notably, there was no students looking for walking or cycling to cover distances of over 5 miles. In this distance range, buses appeared to become the top choice for schoolers with an approximate percentage of 70%

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Errors and Improvements:

"delineates" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: "Delineates" is less commonly used and may sound overly formal. "Illustrates" is a more straightforward and widely understood term in this context.
"choose walk and cycle" -> "choose to walk and cycle"
Explanation: "Choose" should be followed by the infinitive form of the verb ("to walk and cycle") to maintain grammatical correctness.
"whilst" -> "while"
Explanation: "Whilst" is less common in contemporary English and can sound archaic. "While" is a simpler and more widely accepted alternative.
"remarkable percentage" -> "significant percentage"
Explanation: "Remarkable" implies surprise or admiration, which may not be appropriate in this context. "Significant" is a more neutral term to describe a high percentage.
"commuting option" -> "commuting options"
Explanation: Plural form is needed here to match the plural subject "walking," "car," and "buses."
"remarkable percentage of 90%" -> "significant majority of 90%"
Explanation: Adding "majority" clarifies that 90% is a substantial portion, reinforcing the point made in the sentence.
"making up to" -> "constituting"
Explanation: "Making up to" is less precise than "constituting" in this context. "Constituting" emphasizes the proportion or makeup of something.
"triple the size comparing to" -> "three times larger than"
Explanation: "Triple the size comparing to" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Three times larger than" is a more concise and natural way to express the comparison.
"least favour counterpart" -> "least favored alternative"
Explanation: "Least favor counterpart" is grammatically incorrect. "Least favored alternative" is clearer and maintains consistency with the language used in the essay.
"there was no students" -> "there were no students"
Explanation: "Students" is a plural noun, so "were" should be used instead of "was" to agree with the plural subject.
"looking for walking or cycling" -> "opting for walking or cycling"
Explanation: "Looking for" implies searching for something, which is not the intended meaning here. "Opting for" accurately conveys the idea of choosing or selecting a mode of transportation.
"buses appeared to become" -> "buses emerged as"
Explanation: "Appeared to become" is awkward and redundant. "Buses emerged as" succinctly conveys the idea that buses became the preferred mode of transportation.
"top choice for schoolers" -> "primary choice for students"
Explanation: "Schoolers" is informal and less common than "students." "Primary choice" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the information provided in the chart about how children aged 11 to 16 in the UK travel to school. It presents a clear overview of the main trends in school transportation, highlighting key features such as the dominance of walking and cycling for shorter distances and the prevalence of buses for longer distances.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more specific details and data from the chart to support the statements made, such as exact percentages for each mode of transportation in different distance categories. Additionally, it could expand on the comparisons between different modes of transportation to further enhance the analysis.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner with clear progression. It effectively organizes information by discussing different distance ranges and modes of transportation. However, there are instances where cohesion could be improved, such as in the transition between paragraphs and within sentences. For example, the shift from discussing distances under 2 miles to distances over 5 miles could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing or ambiguous pronoun references.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on improving the flow between paragraphs and sentences. Ensure that transitions between ideas are seamless and logical. Clarify pronoun references to avoid ambiguity. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences for clarity and precision. Utilize cohesive devices more consistently to strengthen the connection between ideas. Finally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and maintains a coherent focus throughout.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of words and expressions. There is a clear attempt to convey information using varied lexical items. The writer effectively uses vocabulary related to transportation and distance, such as "commuting option," "dominance," "opt," and "counterpart." Additionally, there is an attempt to vary sentence structure and employ descriptive language, which contributes to the overall lexical resource. However, there are some instances of less common vocabulary and collocations that are not seamlessly integrated, such as "traveled over 5 miles" instead of "travelled over 5 miles." There are also a few minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "remarkable percentage" instead of "remarkably high percentage" or "precise proportion" instead of "precisely equal proportion."

How to improve: To improve, focus on refining the use of less common vocabulary and collocations to ensure they are used accurately and effectively. Also, aim to reduce minor errors in word choice and collocation by carefully proofreading and revising the essay. Additionally, consider incorporating more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary where appropriate to enhance lexical resource further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, utilizing varied structures such as relative clauses ("Overall, it is evident that…"), conditional clauses ("whilst bus was the most common transportation"), and passive voice ("Focusing on traveling under a mile…"). There are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, such as missing articles ("the majority of student choose walk and cycle") and incorrect verb forms ("there was no students looking"). However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, strive for consistency in verb agreement and article usage. Proofreading for errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure can help improve clarity and precision. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of complex structures and paying attention to punctuation can elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the modes of transportation used by children aged 11 to 16 in the UK to travel to school over the course of a year.

Overall, it is evident that walking and cycling are the preferred modes of transportation for students traveling distances of 2 miles or less, while buses are the most common choice for those traveling more than 5 miles.

Looking at journeys under a mile, walking is overwhelmingly the preferred mode, accounting for 90% of all trips. In contrast, only 10% of students travel by car, and a mere 2% use buses for this short distance. For journeys between 1 and 2 miles, cycling emerges as the top choice, representing 75% of trips, while walking remains popular at 60%, far surpassing the numbers for car and bus travel.

Moving on to journeys between 2 and 5 miles, buses become the dominant mode of transportation, accounting for 50% of trips, double the percentage of walking. Interestingly, there are no students who walk or cycle for distances exceeding 5 miles. In this distance range, buses become the preferred choice, making up approximately 70% of journeys.