The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012
The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012
The bar graph illustrates the number of employees in four various vocations immigrating to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
Overall, the number of migrants in these occupations fluctuated during the period, but accountants consistently had the highest number, while computer programmers remained the lowest.
In 2009, the number of accountants migrating to Australia was significantly higher than that of software engineers and cooks, with about 20 thousand compared to 19 thousand and 17 thousand. In contrast, only 2 thousand people immigrated to Australia as computer programmers. However, in 2010, it witnessed a dramatic rise in the number of accountants to 28 thousand, while the figure for software engineers and cooks decreased considerably to 15 thousand and 17 thousand respectively."
The number of computer programmers fluctuated between 2009 and 2011, while the figure for cooks and software engineers saw a slight increase to 18 thousand and 21 thousand in 2011 respectively. Furthermore, the number of migrants having accounting jobs dropped sharply to 22 thousand in 2011 and continued to fall by 1 thousand one year later. Besides, it saw a considerable fall in the number of immigrants working as cooks and software engineers to 16 thousand and 17 thousand respectively whereas that of computer programmers grew rapidly to 5 thousand.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"various vocations" -> "various occupations"
Explanation: "Vocations" typically refers to a person’s calling or profession, but in this context, "occupations" is more appropriate as it directly relates to the types of jobs being discussed. -
"immigrating to Australia" -> "migrating to Australia"
Explanation: "Immigrating" can imply a more specific context of moving to a country with the intention of becoming a permanent resident, whereas "migrating" is more general and appropriate for describing the movement of people to a new country for any reason. -
"fluctuated during the period" -> "varied over the period"
Explanation: "Fluctuated" can imply a more dramatic change, which might not be the case in this context. "Varied" is a more neutral term that simply indicates changes in the trend without implying magnitude. -
"accountants consistently had the highest number" -> "accountants consistently had the highest number of migrants"
Explanation: Adding "of migrants" clarifies that the highest number refers to the number of accountants migrating, avoiding ambiguity. -
"computer programmers remained the lowest" -> "computer programmers consistently had the lowest numbers"
Explanation: Similar to the previous suggestion, specifying "numbers" clarifies that it is the number of computer programmers migrating that is being referred to, not their overall status. -
"witnessed a dramatic rise" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is somewhat informal and less precise in academic writing. "Experienced" is more appropriate and formal, and "significant increase" is more measured than "dramatic rise." -
"it witnessed" -> "this trend witnessed"
Explanation: "It" is vague and could refer to anything in the sentence. "This trend" clearly specifies what is witnessing the change. -
"decreased considerably" -> "decreased substantially"
Explanation: "Considerably" can be vague; "substantially" is more precise and academically suitable. -
"saw a slight increase" -> "experienced a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Saw" is informal and less precise. "Experienced" is more formal and "moderate" is a more measured term than "slight." -
"having accounting jobs" -> "in accounting positions"
Explanation: "Having accounting jobs" is informal and vague. "In accounting positions" is more precise and formal. -
"dropped sharply" -> "decreased significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped sharply" is informal and somewhat dramatic. "Decreased significantly" is more neutral and appropriate for academic writing. -
"continued to fall" -> "continued to decline"
Explanation: "Fall" can be informal and vague; "decline" is more precise and formal. -
"grew rapidly" -> "increased rapidly"
Explanation: "Grew" can be informal and less specific in this context. "Increased" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
These changes enhance the precision and formality of the text, aligning it more closely with academic standards.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the chart. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of computer programmers fluctuated between 2009 and 2011, but the chart shows that the number actually increased in 2011.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends and providing more accurate information about the data. The writer should also avoid making unnecessary generalizations, such as stating that the number of computer programmers fluctuated between 2009 and 2011. Instead, the writer should focus on the specific changes in the data.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in the writing. Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical organization. The central topics within paragraphs are generally clear, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are more fluid. This can be achieved by incorporating linking phrases that guide the reader through the argument or narrative. Additionally, organizing the essay into clearer paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the data would improve logical flow and clarity.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "migrating," "fluctuated," and "dramatic rise." However, the attempt to use less common vocabulary is present but lacks precision and accuracy in some instances, such as "various vocations" (which could be more effectively stated as "different occupations"). There are also some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of migrants having accounting jobs" which could be more naturally phrased. Additionally, there are minor spelling and word formation errors, such as "2 thousand people immigrated to Australia as computer programmers," which could be rephrased for clarity. Overall, while the communication is clear, the inaccuracies and limited sophistication in vocabulary usage prevent a higher score.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to the topic. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items in context can also help. Additionally, reviewing and refining phrasing for naturalness and clarity will improve the overall fluency and flexibility of vocabulary use. Finally, paying attention to spelling and word formation will help eliminate errors that could distract the reader.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it presents some clear ideas and comparisons, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. The overall structure is coherent, but the frequency of errors in grammar and punctuation detracts from the overall clarity of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:
- Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring accuracy. This can be achieved by practicing subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions.
- Error Correction: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors, particularly in verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement.
- Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, especially in compound and complex sentences, to improve clarity and flow.
- Practice: Engage in exercises that focus on grammatical accuracy and range, such as writing practice essays and receiving feedback on them.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar graph illustrates the number of employees in four different occupations who immigrated to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
Overall, the number of migrants in these occupations fluctuated during the period, but accountants consistently had the highest number, while computer programmers remained the lowest.
In 2009, the number of accountants migrating to Australia was significantly higher than that of software engineers and cooks, with about 20 thousand compared to 19 thousand and 17 thousand, respectively. In contrast, only 2 thousand people immigrated to Australia as computer programmers. However, in 2010, there was a dramatic rise in the number of accountants to 28 thousand, while the figures for software engineers and cooks decreased considerably to 15 thousand and 17 thousand, respectively.
The number of computer programmers fluctuated between 2009 and 2011, while the figures for cooks and software engineers saw a slight increase to 18 thousand and 21 thousand in 2011, respectively. Furthermore, the number of migrants in accounting jobs dropped sharply to 22 thousand in 2011 and continued to fall by 1 thousand one year later. Additionally, there was a considerable decline in the number of immigrants working as cooks and software engineers, which fell to 16 thousand and 17 thousand, respectively, whereas the number of computer programmers grew rapidly to 5 thousand.
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