The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
The bar chart illustrates the number of skilled professionals in various occupations who came to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
From an overall perspective, it is clear that accountants were the most predominant occupation, and the least prevalent employment was the computer programming. Concurrently, while accountants and computer programmers experienced an increase, the number of cooks and software engineers decreased.
Initially, accountants represented the highest number of employed workers, which was 20 thousand. The figures for cooks and software engineers were lower, at 17 and 19 thousand workers, respectively. The smallest number of competent professionals in the computer programming sector amounted to only 2 thousand workers.
Between 2009 and 2012, there was a surge in the number of migrants working in the accounting sector, rising to 28 thousand people before rapidly declining to 21 thousand in 2012. Computer programmers steadily climbed by 3 thousand people during the period shown. Conversely, there was a drop in the number of software engineers to 17 thousand workers, which was merely 1 thousand higher than the figure for those employed as cooks.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting visual data, aligning better with academic style. -
"skilled professionals" -> "skilled professionals"
Explanation: No change needed here as "skilled professionals" is already a clear and appropriate term for academic writing. -
"came to Australia" -> "migrated to Australia"
Explanation: "Migrated to Australia" is more specific and formal, accurately describing the movement of people to a new country. -
"the most predominant occupation" -> "the most prevalent occupation"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is more specific and academically appropriate than "predominant" in this context, referring to the frequency or commonness of a particular occupation. -
"the least prevalent employment" -> "the least common occupation"
Explanation: "Occupation" is more specific and appropriate than "employment" in this context, referring to a specific job or profession. -
"the number of cooks and software engineers decreased" -> "the numbers of cooks and software engineers decreased"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "numbers" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone. -
"represented the highest number" -> "represented the largest number"
Explanation: "Largest" is more precise and formal than "highest" when describing quantities in this context. -
"the figures for cooks and software engineers were lower" -> "the figures for cooks and software engineers were fewer"
Explanation: "Fewer" is more appropriate when referring to countable nouns like "figures," as it implies a smaller quantity. -
"the smallest number of competent professionals" -> "the smallest number of skilled professionals"
Explanation: "Skilled" is more specific and academically appropriate than "competent," which can be vague and less precise. -
"there was a surge" -> "there was an increase"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more neutral and formal term than "surge," which can imply suddenness or dramatic change, which may not be the intended meaning. -
"rapidly declining" -> "declining rapidly"
Explanation: "Declining rapidly" is a more formal way of expressing the sudden decrease in numbers. -
"merely 1 thousand higher" -> "only 1,000 higher"
Explanation: "Only" is more formal and precise than "merely," and "1,000" should be separated from the word it modifies for clarity and formality.
These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main features of the chart. It also makes some comparisons between the different occupations. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that the number of accountants increased between 2009 and 2012, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that the number of accountants increased from 20,000 in 2009 to 28,000 in 2011. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the trends in the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why the number of accountants increased between 2009 and 2011.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The main features of the chart are summarized, and comparisons are made where relevant. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically connects to the next would strengthen the overall structure. Improving the clarity of references and avoiding repetitive phrases would also contribute to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "predominant," "prevalent," and "surge." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the least prevalent employment was the computer programming," which could be more naturally expressed. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "competent professionals," which should be "computer professionals." These issues do not severely impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement in lexical precision.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary with greater precision. This can be achieved by practicing the use of synonyms and collocations, ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will help to eliminate minor mistakes that can detract from the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with more complex texts and vocabulary exercises can also aid in developing a more sophisticated lexical range.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some sentences being error-free. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the smallest number of competent professionals" could be more clearly expressed, and the use of "merely" may not be the most appropriate choice in context. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present suggest a need for improvement in grammatical accuracy and range.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:
- Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures and ensure that subordinate clauses are used correctly.
- Proofreading for Errors: Carefully review the essay for grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors, ensuring that all sentences are clear and correctly punctuated.
- Practice with Complex Structures: Engage in exercises that focus on using a wider range of grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences and varied conjunctions, to improve overall fluency and accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart illustrates the number of skilled professionals in various occupations who migrated to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
From an overall perspective, it is clear that accountants were the most predominant occupation, while the least prevalent employment was in computer programming. Concurrently, while the number of accountants and computer programmers experienced an increase, the figures for cooks and software engineers decreased.
Initially, accountants represented the highest number of employed workers, at 20 thousand. The figures for cooks and software engineers were lower, at 17 thousand and 19 thousand workers, respectively. The smallest number of skilled professionals in the computer programming sector amounted to only 2 thousand workers.
Between 2009 and 2012, there was a surge in the number of migrants working in the accounting sector, rising to 28 thousand people before rapidly declining to 21 thousand in 2012. Computer programmers steadily increased by 3 thousand people during the period shown. Conversely, there was a drop in the number of software engineers to 17 thousand workers, which was merely 1 thousand higher than the figure for those employed as cooks.
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