The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.

The chart illustrates the number of skilled migrants workers to Australia, spanning from 2009 to 2012.

Overall, it is noticeable that accountants and software developers experienced an upward trend over the years, while the figure for culinary professionals and cooks showed an opposite trend. In addition, the highest number of employees were accountants; computer programmers accounted for the least.

In 2009, accountants constituted the largest share of four different occupations, at around 20,000. It then experienced a significant increase, climbing to roughly 28,000 in 2010, before declining to 21,000 and 22,000 in 2011 and 2012, respectively. Meanwhile, software developers secured the second position, yielding around 19,000 in 2009. There was a moderate rise in the number of software engineers at about 20,000 in 2011, followed by a decrease to 17,000 by the end of the period.

Turning to the remaining groups, the number of cooks and computer programmers showed fluctuations over the period. Beginning with respective figures of 17,000 and 2,000, these figures exhibited a contrasting picture in 2010, with the former declining to 15,000 and the latter increasing slightly to 4,000. Having experienced minor fluctuations, the share of cooks underwent a moderate fall, decreasing to around 16,000 in 2012, while the reverse was registered among computer programmers, experiencing 5,000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"skilled migrants workers" -> "skilled migrant workers"
Explanation: Removing the redundant "s" after "migrants" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with standard English usage.
"spanning from 2009 to 2012" -> "spanning the period from 2009 to 2012"
Explanation: Adding "the period" clarifies the time frame being referred to, enhancing the precision of the description.
"it is noticeable that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more formal and precise term than "noticeable," which is somewhat vague and less academic in tone.
"upward trend" -> "increasing trend"
Explanation: "Increasing trend" is a more precise and formal term than "upward trend," which can be seen as slightly informal.
"opposite trend" -> "contrasting trend"
Explanation: "Contrasting trend" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "opposite trend," which can be vague and less precise.
"the highest number of employees were accountants" -> "the largest proportion of employees were accountants"
Explanation: "Largest proportion" is more precise and formal than "highest number," which is somewhat informal and less specific in this context.
"computer programmers" -> "computer programming professionals"
Explanation: "Computer programming professionals" is a more formal and specific term than "computer programmers," which is somewhat generic and less formal.
"yielding around 19,000" -> "numbering approximately 19,000"
Explanation: "Numbering approximately" is a more formal expression than "yielding around," which is less commonly used in formal writing.
"There was a moderate rise" -> "There was a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Increase" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "rise," which is less formal and can be vague.
"the remaining groups" -> "the remaining categories"
Explanation: "Categories" is more specific and formal than "groups," which is somewhat vague and less precise in this academic context.
"showed fluctuations" -> "experienced fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more appropriate in this context, as it implies a direct and active involvement in the fluctuations, which is more precise than "showed," which is more passive.
"minor fluctuations" -> "small fluctuations"
Explanation: "Small" is a more precise term than "minor," which can be seen as somewhat informal and vague in academic writing.
"registered among computer programmers" -> "experienced among computer programming professionals"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more specific and formal than "registered," which is less commonly used in this context and can be confusing. Additionally, "computer programming professionals" is more specific and formal than "computer programmers."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features and bullet points, but it does not adequately highlight them. For example, the essay states that "the highest number of employees were accountants" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the figure for culinary professionals and cooks showed an opposite trend." This statement is not relevant to the task, as the essay is not required to make comparisons between different occupations.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview and by focusing on the key features and bullet points of the data. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could state that "the highest number of employees were accountants, with around 28,000 migrating to Australia in 2010." This statement would be more relevant to the task and would provide more specific data to support the overview.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the overview summarizes the main trends. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to minor disruptions in flow. Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved for clarity and logical structure.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition. Improving the logical flow between sentences and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also strengthen the overall organization. More effective referencing and substitution can help reduce redundancy and improve clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "constituted," "yielding," and "fluctuations," but there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and some awkward phrasing. Errors in spelling and word formation are present, such as "skilled migrants workers," which should be "skilled migrant workers." These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and fewer inaccuracies. Incorporating more sophisticated lexical items and ensuring correct word forms will improve clarity. Additionally, practicing synonyms and varying word choice can help avoid repetition and enhance the overall fluency of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While it conveys the information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the largest share of four different occupations" and "yielding around 19,000" could be more accurately expressed. Additionally, the use of "the reverse was registered among computer programmers" is somewhat convoluted and could lead to confusion. Overall, the errors present do not significantly impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement in grammatical accuracy and sentence structure.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Error Reduction: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases that may affect clarity.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation usage to ensure that it supports the intended meaning and flow of the essay.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas, avoiding convoluted phrases that may confuse the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the number of skilled migrant workers to Australia, spanning from 2009 to 2012.

Overall, it is noticeable that accountants and software developers experienced an upward trend over the years, while the figures for culinary professionals and cooks showed a downward trend. In addition, the highest number of employees were accountants, while computer programmers accounted for the least.

In 2009, accountants constituted the largest share among the four different occupations, at around 20,000. This figure then experienced a significant increase, climbing to roughly 28,000 in 2010, before declining to 21,000 and 22,000 in 2011 and 2012, respectively. Meanwhile, software developers secured the second position, with around 19,000 in 2009. There was a moderate rise in the number of software developers to about 20,000 in 2011, followed by a decrease to 17,000 by the end of the period.

Turning to the remaining groups, the numbers of cooks and computer programmers showed fluctuations over the period. Beginning with respective figures of 17,000 and 2,000, these figures exhibited a contrasting trend in 2010, with the former declining to 15,000 and the latter increasing slightly to 4,000. After experiencing minor fluctuations, the number of cooks underwent a moderate fall, decreasing to around 16,000 in 2012, while the opposite trend was observed among computer programmers, who reached 5,000.