The chart below show information about honey-bee colonies and honey production in the US.

The first bar chart demonstrate the information about the number of honey-bee colonies in the unit of millions in the US from 1970 to 2010. The number of honey-bee colonies have changed during this time.
In 1970s, the number of honey bee hives was 4 millions colonies. The colonies rose about 200k for the next 10 year and hit the highest point at the year 1980, which is about 4,2 millions hives. However, it gradually falling from for the next 3 decade periods and hit the lowest point at the year 2010, which only had about 1.7 millions of hives.
The second bar chart show us about the output of honey in tonnes during the year 1970 and 2010 in the US. The amount of production have risen and fallen in this 4 decades period.
During the same period as before, the amount of honey production have also fallen. It started at the 130 thousands tonnes of honey production in 1970. There a fluctuation from 1970-2000, the amount of output have dropped and rose rapidly. The amount of production have fallen dramatically in the last decade. At this period, the colonies only produce about 70k tonnes.
Overall, these 2 bar chart show that the amount of hives and output have dropped significantly and both hit the lowest point at the year 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The first bar chart demonstrate" -> "The first bar chart demonstrates"
Explanation: The verb "demonstrate" should be in the singular form "demonstrates" to agree with the singular subject "bar chart."
"the number of honey-bee colonies have" -> "the number of honey-bee colonies has"
Explanation: The subject "number of honey-bee colonies" is singular, so the verb "have" should be replaced with the singular form "has."
"rose about 200k for the next 10 year" -> "increased by approximately 200,000 over the next 10 years"
Explanation: "Rose" is too informal and vague; "increased by approximately" is more precise and formal. Also, "10 year" should be "10 years" for grammatical correctness.
"hit the highest point at the year 1980" -> "reached its highest point in 1980"
Explanation: "Hit" is informal and less precise; "reached its highest point" is more formal and accurate.
"it gradually falling" -> "it gradually fell"
Explanation: "Falling" should be the past participle "fell" to match the past tense of the sentence.
"for the next 3 decade periods" -> "over the next three decades"
Explanation: "Decade periods" is redundant; "over the next three decades" is more concise and formal.
"hit the lowest point at the year 2010" -> "reached its lowest point in 2010"
Explanation: Similar to previous suggestion, "hit" is informal and "reached its lowest point" is more precise.
"The second bar chart show us about" -> "The second bar chart shows us about"
Explanation: The verb "show" should be in the singular form "shows" to agree with the singular subject "bar chart."
"The amount of production have risen and fallen" -> "The amount of production rose and fell"
Explanation: "Have risen and fallen" is awkward and informal; "rose and fell" is more natural and formal.
"There a fluctuation" -> "There was a fluctuation"
Explanation: "There" should be "There was" to correct the grammatical structure.
"the amount of output have dropped and rose rapidly" -> "the output amount dropped and rose rapidly"
Explanation: "The output amount" is a more natural and formal way to express the concept.
"have fallen dramatically" -> "fell dramatically"
Explanation: Consistency in verb tense is important for clarity and formality; "fell" should be used to maintain the past tense.
"At this period, the colonies only produce about 70k tonnes." -> "During this period, the colonies produced approximately 70,000 tonnes."
Explanation: "At this period" is less formal; "During this period" is more appropriate for academic writing. Also, "produce" should be in the past tense "produced" to match the past context, and "70k" should be written as "70,000" for clarity and formality.
"both hit the lowest point at the year 2010" -> "both reached their lowest point in 2010"
Explanation: Similar to previous suggestions, "hit" is informal and "reached their lowest point" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the information presented in the charts. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also recounts detail mechanically, with no clear comparison between the two charts.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of honey-bee colonies in the US has decreased significantly since 1970, while honey production has also decreased, but at a slower rate. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the data, such as the percentage decrease in honey-bee colonies and honey production. The essay could also be improved by making more comparisons between the two charts. For example, the essay could state that the decrease in honey-bee colonies has been more significant than the decrease in honey production.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are significant issues with overall progression and clarity. While the writer attempts to describe the data, the lack of logical flow and coherence between sentences and paragraphs detracts from the overall effectiveness. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, which affects the clarity of the response.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically and ensuring a clear progression of information. Using a wider range of cohesive devices accurately can help connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the main topic of each paragraph and maintaining a consistent focus throughout will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about honey-bee colonies and honey production, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with several noticeable errors in word choice and spelling. Phrases such as "the first bar chart demonstrate" and "the colonies rose about 200k" indicate a lack of grammatical control. Additionally, the use of terms like "the amount of production" and "hit the lowest point" lacks precision and sophistication. Overall, the vocabulary does not fully meet the requirements for higher bands due to these limitations.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accurate word choice and collocation. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and refining spelling will contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with more complex texts and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in developing a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, frequent grammatical errors and inaccuracies in punctuation are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the number of honey-bee colonies have changed" and "the colonies rose about 200k" exhibit subject-verb agreement issues. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the highest point at the year 1980," which detracts from clarity. Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder effective communication.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical flexibility. For example, use subordinate clauses to provide additional information.
Focus on Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number. For instance, "the number of honey-bee colonies has changed" instead of "have changed."
Refine Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and periods, to improve the overall readability of the essay.
Proofreading: Review the essay for common grammatical errors and awkward phrasing before submission. This can help identify mistakes that may distort meaning.
Practice Writing: Regularly practice writing essays on various topics to improve grammatical accuracy and range. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The first bar chart demonstrates the information about the number of honey-bee colonies in millions in the US from 1970 to 2010. The number of honey-bee colonies changed during this time.

In the 1970s, the number of honey bee hives was 4 million colonies. The colonies rose by about 200,000 over the next 10 years and reached the highest point in 1980, which was about 4.2 million hives. However, it gradually fell over the next three decades and hit the lowest point in 2010, with only about 1.7 million hives.

The second bar chart shows the output of honey in tonnes during the years 1970 and 2010 in the US. The amount of production rose and fell during this four-decade period.

During the same period, the amount of honey production also declined. It started at 130,000 tonnes of honey production in 1970. There was fluctuation from 1970 to 2000, with the amount of output dropping and rising rapidly. The amount of production fell dramatically in the last decade. At this time, the colonies produced only about 70,000 tonnes.

Overall, these two bar charts show that the number of hives and the output have dropped significantly, both hitting their lowest points in 2010.