The chart below show the qualifications of graduates at an egineering company in 1998 and 2008.
The chart below show the qualifications of graduates at an egineering company in 1998 and 2008.
The pie charts illustrate data regarding the share of qualified graduates at an engineering company in 1998 and 2008.
Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of graduates holding PHD in Science and Master's Degree in Arts, while an opposite trend can be seen in the figure for those holding First Degree in Science, Arts. In addition, the percentage of individuals holding Master's Degree in Science remained the same in both two mentioned years while the figure for graduates holding PHD in Art were negligible in both years.
The percentage of individuals graduated with a PHD in Science started at 13% in 1998, after which it saw a significant rise in 2008 to 30% in 2008. **The reserve trend** can be seen in the figure for those holding a First Degree in Science when graduated, which decreased from 25% in 1998 to 11% in 2008. Furthermore, the proportion of **Master’s Graduates in the Arts** remained unchanged at 29% throughout the period.
20% of people graduated with a First Degree in the Arts in 2004, followed by a subsequent two – fold drop to 10% after four years. Whereas, the share of Doctoral graduates in Art and Master's graduates in the Arts increased negligibly, reaching 11% and 13% respectively in 2008.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the share of qualified graduates" -> "the distribution of qualified graduates"
Explanation: "Distribution" is a more precise term that conveys the idea of how graduates are spread across different categories, which is more appropriate in an academic context. -
"an opposite trend can be seen" -> "a contrasting trend can be observed"
Explanation: "Contrasting" is a more formal and precise term than "opposite," and "observed" is a more academic choice than "seen." -
"the percentage of individuals holding Master’s Degree in Science remained the same in both two mentioned years" -> "the percentage of individuals holding a Master’s Degree in Science remained constant over the two specified years"
Explanation: "Constant" is a more formal term than "the same," and "specified" is clearer than "mentioned." Additionally, "a Master’s Degree" is grammatically correct. -
"the figure for graduates holding PHD in Art were negligible" -> "the figure for graduates holding a PhD in Arts was negligible"
Explanation: "PhD" should be capitalized and formatted correctly, and "was" agrees with the singular subject "figure." "Arts" is more appropriate than "Art" when referring to the field in general. -
"The reserve trend" -> "The reverse trend"
Explanation: "Reverse" is the correct term to indicate an opposite direction of change, while "reserve" is a misused word that does not fit the context. -
"when graduated" -> "upon graduation"
Explanation: "Upon graduation" is a more formal and idiomatic expression that conveys the timing of the event more clearly. -
"remained unchanged at 29% throughout the period" -> "remained stable at 29% throughout the period"
Explanation: "Stable" is a more precise term than "unchanged," which enhances the academic tone of the writing. -
"20% of people graduated with a First Degree in the Arts in 2004" -> "20% of individuals graduated with a First Degree in the Arts in 2004"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," which aligns better with academic writing. -
"followed by a subsequent two – fold drop" -> "followed by a subsequent twofold decrease"
Explanation: "Twofold" is the correct form without a hyphen, and "decrease" is a more precise term than "drop," which is informal. -
"the share of Doctoral graduates in Art and Master’s graduates in the Arts increased negligibly" -> "the proportion of doctoral graduates in Arts and master’s graduates in the Arts increased marginally"
Explanation: "Proportion" is a more precise term than "share," and "marginally" is a more formal alternative to "negligibly." Additionally, "doctoral" and "master’s" should be in lowercase as they are not proper nouns in this context.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of individuals holding Master’s Degree in Science remained the same in both two mentioned years" but does not provide any specific figures to support this claim. The essay also uses some awkward phrasing, such as "The reserve trend can be seen in the figure for those holding a First Degree in Science when graduated".
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details and by using clearer and more concise language. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of individuals holding a Master’s Degree in Science was 29% in both 1998 and 2008. The essay could also be improved by using more appropriate vocabulary, such as "opposite trend" instead of "reserve trend".
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, the phrase "The reserve trend" is likely intended to mean "The reverse trend," which disrupts the flow and clarity of the text. Additionally, there is some inconsistency in the use of terms, such as "Master’s Degree in Arts" and "Master’s Graduates in the Arts," which could confuse the reader. Paragraphing is used, but the transition between ideas could be smoother.
How to improve:
- Ensure the use of correct terminology and consistent phrasing to improve clarity and cohesion. For example, use "reverse trend" instead of "reserve trend."
- Enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring they are used appropriately.
- Improve paragraph transitions to ensure a smoother progression of ideas. Consider starting paragraphs with a clear topic sentence that links to the previous paragraph.
- Review the essay for any mechanical errors or inconsistencies in phrasing that may disrupt the reader’s understanding.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for effective communication of the data presented in the pie charts. The use of terms such as "proportion," "significant rise," and "negligible" shows an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies, such as "The reserve trend" instead of "The reverse trend," which indicates a lack of precision in word choice. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "PHD" which should be "PhD," and "two – fold" which should be "twofold." These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical quality.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and fewer errors. This includes ensuring correct spelling and word formation, as well as avoiding awkward phrases. Practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated vocabulary related to data description can enhance lexical resource. Additionally, proofreading the essay for minor errors before submission would help improve clarity and coherence.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at complex sentences, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent, with noticeable errors that could lead to confusion for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the reserve trend" and "20% of people graduated with a First Degree in the Arts in 2004" contain grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasing. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors and unclear references, such as "the figure for graduates holding PHD in Art were negligible," which detracts from the clarity of the communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:
- Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of sentence structures, ensuring that complex sentences are grammatically correct and clearly convey the intended meaning.
- Grammar and Punctuation: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement and article usage. Pay attention to punctuation to avoid run-on sentences or fragments.
- Clarity and Precision: Use precise language and avoid vague terms. Ensure that all references are clear and that the information presented is logically organized.
- Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors that may occur as ‘slips,’ which can elevate the overall accuracy of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The pie charts illustrate data regarding the share of qualified graduates at an engineering company in 1998 and 2008.
Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of graduates holding a PhD in Science and a Master’s Degree in Arts, while an opposite trend can be observed for those holding a First Degree in Science and Arts. In addition, the percentage of individuals holding a Master’s Degree in Science remained the same in both years, while the figure for graduates holding a PhD in Arts was negligible in both years.
The percentage of individuals graduating with a PhD in Science started at 13% in 1998 and saw a significant rise to 30% in 2008. In contrast, the percentage of those holding a First Degree in Science decreased from 25% in 1998 to 11% in 2008. Furthermore, the proportion of Master’s Graduates in the Arts remained unchanged at 29% throughout the period.
In 1998, 20% of graduates held a First Degree in the Arts, followed by a subsequent two-fold drop to 10% after four years. Meanwhile, the share of Doctoral graduates in Arts and Master’s graduates in the Arts increased slightly, reaching 11% and 13% respectively in 2008.
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