The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line chart compares the figures of three age groups about the issues people have to face when living abroad. Overall, it shows that most people easily deal with the problem of finding schools for their children. However, organizing finances and healthcare are challenging issues making up higher percentages in three types of age groups.
Looking at the problems of sorting out finances and healthcare, their figures are higher than the remaining. Especially, the proportion of people aged 35-54 ranks first, at roughly 36% and 35% respectively, in situations of organizing finances and healthcare. In addition, two other age groups witness that the proportion of these two troubles also has significant numbers when comparing to another field.
In terms of finding schools for their offspring, the figure of the older age group being the lowest rank stands at around 2% while that of the 35-54 years people record the highest percentage, at nearly 20% which is four-fold the portions of people aged 18-34.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart compares the figures of three age groups about the issues people have to face when living abroad." -> "The line chart compares the percentages of three age groups regarding the challenges individuals encounter when residing abroad."
Explanation: Replacing "the figures of three age groups about the issues people have to face" with "the percentages of three age groups regarding the challenges individuals encounter" clarifies the subject matter and uses more precise language suitable for an academic context.
"most people easily deal with the problem of finding schools for their children" -> "the majority of individuals generally manage the challenge of finding schools for their children"
Explanation: "Most people easily deal with" is informal and vague; "the majority of individuals generally manage" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style.
"organizing finances and healthcare are challenging issues making up higher percentages" -> "managing finances and healthcare pose significant challenges, accounting for higher percentages"
Explanation: "Organizing finances and healthcare are challenging issues" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Managing finances and healthcare pose significant challenges, accounting for higher percentages" uses more formal vocabulary and clarifies the relationship between the challenges and their proportions.
"the proportion of people aged 35-54 ranks first, at roughly 36% and 35% respectively" -> "the proportion of individuals in the 35-54 age group leads at approximately 36% and 35% respectively"
Explanation: "Ranks first" is somewhat colloquial; "leads" is more formal and precise. Also, "people" is replaced with "individuals" for a more formal tone.
"the figure of the older age group being the lowest rank stands at around 2%" -> "the percentage of the older age group, the lowest, is approximately 2%"
Explanation: "The figure of the older age group being the lowest rank" is awkward and unclear. "The percentage of the older age group, the lowest, is approximately 2%" simplifies and clarifies the statement.
"the 35-54 years people record the highest percentage" -> "individuals in the 35-54 age group record the highest percentage"
Explanation: "The 35-54 years people" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Individuals in the 35-54 age group" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"which is four-fold the portions of people aged 18-34" -> "which is four times the proportion of individuals aged 18-34"
Explanation: "Portions" is less precise than "proportion," and "four-fold" is informal. "Four times" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main features of the chart. The essay also makes some comparisons, but these are not always clear or relevant. For example, the essay states that "the proportion of people aged 35-54 ranks first, at roughly 36% and 35% respectively, in situations of organizing finances and healthcare." However, it does not compare these figures to the figures for the other age groups.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main features of the chart. The essay could also be improved by making more relevant comparisons between the different age groups. For example, the essay could compare the percentage of people aged 18-34 who have problems sorting out finances to the percentage of people aged 35-54 who have the same problem. The essay could also compare the percentage of people aged 55 and over who have problems finding schools for their children to the percentage of people aged 35-54 who have the same problem.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the issues faced by different age groups, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to some confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and a lack of referencing that detracts from the overall clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, which further impacts coherence.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from clearer organization and progression of ideas. This can be accomplished by using more varied cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic, and transitions between ideas should be smoother to enhance readability. Additionally, ensuring that comparisons are explicit and well-structured would improve coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common terms such as "organizing finances" and "healthcare." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the figures of three age groups" which could be better expressed as "the figures for three age groups." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "offspring" which may not be the most appropriate term in this context. Overall, while the vocabulary used does not impede communication, it lacks the precision and sophistication expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precise word choices. Practicing the use of synonyms and collocations can help avoid repetition and improve fluency. Additionally, reviewing and editing for spelling and word formation errors will strengthen the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and idiomatic expressions relevant to the topic can also elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, these do not significantly impede communication. The essay attempts to convey comparisons and summarize the data effectively, but the overall control of grammar and punctuation is inconsistent.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors, ensuring that sentences are error-free.
Clarify Comparisons: Improve clarity in comparisons by using more precise language and ensuring that the relationships between data points are clearly articulated.
Enhance Cohesion: Use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas and paragraphs, which will improve the overall flow of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart compares the figures of three age groups regarding the issues people face when living abroad. Overall, it shows that most individuals easily deal with the problem of finding schools for their children. However, organizing finances and healthcare are challenging issues that account for higher percentages across the three age groups.

Looking at the problems of sorting out finances and healthcare, their figures are higher than those of the other issues. Specifically, the proportion of people aged 35-54 ranks first, at roughly 36% and 35% respectively, for the challenges of organizing finances and healthcare. Additionally, the two other age groups also show significant proportions for these two issues when compared to the other categories.

In terms of finding schools for their children, the figure for the older age group, which is the lowest, stands at around 2%, while the percentage for the 35-54 age group records the highest at nearly 20%, which is four times the proportion of people aged 18-34.