The chart below shows male and female fitness membership in Thailand between 1985 and 2015.

The bar chart compare the number of male and female member of fitness center from 1985 to 2015.
Overall, the number of gym members in Thailand has increased steadily over the past 30 years, with higher increases among women. While the number of male members increased 4 times, the number of female members increased 11 times.
In 1985, there were over 2000 men participating in the gym, nearly double the number of women. This ratio remained constant for the next 5 years and gradually shifted until in 2000, the positions of both sides reversed, with the number of women exercising almost doubling that of men.
Women have been hitting the gym more than men for 10 years until the number of gym goers spiked in 2010, when there were twice as many men as women. At the end of period, in 2015, the number of women going to the gym was 2,000, exactly double that of men.

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Errors and Improvements:

"The bar chart compare" -> "The bar chart compares"
Explanation: "Compare" should agree with the singular subject "chart," so it should be in the third person singular form "compares."
"member of fitness center" -> "members of the fitness center"
Explanation: "Member" should be plural to match "number," so it should be "members."
"higher increases" -> "greater increases"
Explanation: "Greater" is a more precise and advanced term than "higher" when describing increases.
"the positions of both sides reversed" -> "the roles reversed"
Explanation: "Roles" is a more appropriate term to describe the change in positions in this context.
"Women have been hitting the gym" -> "Women have been attending the gym"
Explanation: "Attending" is a more formal and suitable term than "hitting" in this context.
"the number of gym goers spiked" -> "the number of gym attendees spiked"
Explanation: "Attendees" is a more specific and formal term than "gym goers."
"At the end of period" -> "At the end of the period"
Explanation: "Period" should be preceded by the definite article "the" to specify which period is being referred to.
"going to the gym" -> "attending the gym"
Explanation: "Attending" is a more formal and precise term than "going to" in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in male and female fitness membership in Thailand from 1985 to 2015. It presents information about the increase in gym membership over the 30-year period, highlighting that the increase was higher among women. The key features, such as the initial dominance of male membership followed by a shift towards more female members, are outlined. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the presentation of details. For instance, the essay mentions that the number of male members increased 4 times and female members 11 times without providing specific data to support these claims. Additionally, the essay lacks precision in describing the data points, such as stating that in 2000, the number of women exercising almost doubled that of men, which might not be accurate according to the data provided.
How to improve:
To improve, the essay should provide more specific data points to support its claims, such as actual membership numbers for each year. Additionally, it should ensure accuracy and clarity in presenting trends and comparisons between male and female membership over the years. Concise and clear descriptions of the data points would enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It effectively presents the main trends observed in the chart, starting with an overall comparison and then providing details on the changes over time. Cohesive devices are used, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences may be faulty or mechanical. For example, the transitions between sentences could be smoother, and some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing. The essay utilizes paragraphing, but the logical flow between paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.

How to improve:

Work on smoother transitions between sentences to enhance cohesion within the essay.
Pay attention to sentence structure and phrasing to ensure clarity and coherence.
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs to strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
Ensure consistent and appropriate use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. The writer effectively conveys the main points using vocabulary appropriate to the topic, such as "fitness center," "gym members," "exercising," and "gym goers." However, there are areas where vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For instance, the use of phrases like "hitting the gym" could be replaced with more formal expressions. Some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present, such as "the bar chart compare" instead of "compares" or "compared," and "exercising almost doubling" could be more precisely worded. Additionally, there are some minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "member" instead of "members" and "position" instead of "positions."

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and precise terms related to the topic. Avoiding repetitive phrases and utilizing a variety of expressions can enhance lexical flexibility. Additionally, careful attention to word choice, collocation, and spelling will help reduce errors and enhance overall coherence and clarity. Finally, maintaining a formal tone throughout the essay will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be improved for better clarity and accuracy. For example, the phrase "the bar chart compare" should be "the bar chart compares," and "with higher increases among women" could be better phrased for clarity. There is an effort to use complex sentences, such as "While the number of male members increased 4 times, the number of female members increased 11 times," but these sentences tend to be less accurate, impacting the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

There are frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as missing articles ("the gym" instead of "a gym") and verb agreement issues ("there were twice as many men as women" should be "there were twice as many men as there were women"). These errors cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the essay should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures with more precision. Complex sentences should be used judiciously and with accuracy to convey ideas effectively. Additionally, attention to grammatical details such as articles, verb agreement, and punctuation is crucial. Proofreading the essay carefully and practicing sentence structure diversity can help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart compares the number of male and female members of fitness centers from 1985 to 2015.

Overall, the number of gym members in Thailand witnessed a steady increase over the 30-year period, with notably higher increments among women. While the count of male members quadrupled, the count of female members increased elevenfold.

In 1985, the male participation in gyms exceeded 2000, nearly twice the number of female participants. This ratio persisted for the subsequent five years, gradually shifting until 2000, when the number of female gym-goers nearly doubled that of males.

For the following decade, women frequented gyms more than men, until a sharp surge in male gym attendance occurred in 2010, resulting in double the number of male participants compared to females. By the end of the period, in 2015, the number of female gym attendees reached 2000, precisely double that of males.