The chart below shows the amount of money in billions of dollars spent on international tourism by people from seven different countries in 2011 and 2012.

The bar chart delineates how much money was spent by international tourists from
seven nations in 2011 and 2012.
At a glance, the amount of spending by Chinese, American, British and Russian on
tourism increased, while that of the remaining either decreased or unchanged.
Additionally, Canadian remained the least spender among the surveyed nations.
The amount of money spent oversea by Chinese was 72 billion, before reaching a peak
at 102 billion dollars in 2012. 1Starting at 79 and 48 billion, both the US and the UK
citizens’ oversea spending figures increased by 2 billion dollars after one year.
Meanwhile, Russian’s spending while travelling was 30 billion in 2011,11 billion dollars
less than its figure in 2012.

Being the top spender for international tourism with 86 billion in 2011, Germany’s figure
witnessed a decline by 3 billion dollars after a year. A minor drop of 1 billion dollars was
reported in France’s travel spending, from 40 to 39 billion dollars. Canada was the
country whose citizens spent the least amount of money for international travels, at 18
billion dollars in both years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At a glance" -> "Initially"
Explanation: "At a glance" is somewhat informal and vague for academic writing. "Initially" is more precise and formal, providing a clearer introduction to the analysis.
"the remaining" -> "the other nations"
Explanation: "The remaining" can be ambiguous and less formal. "The other nations" is more specific and maintains a formal tone.
"overssea" -> "abroad"
Explanation: "Overssea" is a typographical error. "Abroad" is the correct term for referring to travel or activities outside one’s own country.
"Starting at" -> "Beginning at"
Explanation: "Starting at" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "Beginning at" for a more formal academic tone.
"oversa" -> "abroad"
Explanation: Another typographical error. "Abroad" is the correct term for referring to travel or activities outside one’s own country.
"11 billion dollars less than its figure in 2012" -> "11 billion dollars less than the figure for 2012"
Explanation: The phrase "its figure in 2012" is somewhat awkward and unclear. "The figure for 2012" is clearer and maintains the formal tone.
"Being the top spender for international tourism" -> "As the leading spenders in international tourism"
Explanation: "Being the top spender for" is somewhat informal and vague. "As the leading spenders in" is more precise and formal.
"witnessed a decline by 3 billion dollars" -> "experienced a decline of 3 billion dollars"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is less direct and can be replaced with "experienced" for a more active and precise expression in academic writing.
"A minor drop of 1 billion dollars" -> "A reduction of 1 billion dollars"
Explanation: "A minor drop" is somewhat colloquial and vague. "A reduction" is more precise and formal.
"the country whose citizens spent the least amount of money for international travels" -> "the nation with the lowest expenditure for international travel"
Explanation: "The country whose citizens spent the least amount of money for international travels" is verbose and informal. "The nation with the lowest expenditure for international travel" is concise and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in international tourism spending. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, such as the increase in spending by Chinese, American, British and Russian tourists, and the decrease in spending by German and French tourists. However, some details are irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "Canadian remained the least spender among the surveyed nations," but this is not supported by the data in the chart. The essay also states that "Russian’s spending while travelling was 30 billion in 2011,11 billion dollars less than its figure in 2012," but this is not accurate. The actual difference in spending is 19 billion dollars.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant information. The writer should also focus on providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data, rather than simply listing individual data points.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. The main trends are identified, and there is an attempt to summarize the data effectively. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the transition between sentences and ideas could be smoother, and referencing could be clearer. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear central topic and logically grouping related information would improve overall organization. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help avoid repetition and create a more engaging flow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "delineates," "spending," and "peak," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the remaining either decreased or unchanged," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "oversea" instead of "overseas," and "Russian’s spending while travelling" which lacks clarity. These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring precise word choice. They could practice using synonyms and more sophisticated phrases to convey their ideas more effectively. Additionally, careful proofreading to catch spelling and grammatical errors would improve clarity and professionalism in the writing. Engaging with a wider variety of texts can also help in understanding collocations and the appropriate use of less common vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "Russian’s spending while travelling" (should be "Russians’ spending while traveling") and inconsistent use of commas and spacing (e.g., "30 billion in 2011,11 billion dollars"). However, these errors do not significantly impede communication. The overall structure is coherent, and the main points are conveyed clearly.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on increasing the complexity of their sentence structures and ensuring that they are error-free. This can be achieved by practicing more complex grammatical forms, proofreading for punctuation and spacing errors, and varying sentence beginnings to improve overall fluency. Additionally, using a wider range of vocabulary and linking phrases can help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart delineates how much money was spent by international tourists from seven nations in 2011 and 2012.

At a glance, the amount of spending by Chinese, American, British, and Russian tourists increased, while that of the remaining countries either decreased or remained unchanged. Additionally, Canada remained the least spender among the surveyed nations.

The amount of money spent overseas by Chinese tourists was 72 billion dollars, before reaching a peak of 102 billion dollars in 2012. Starting at 79 and 48 billion dollars, both the US and UK citizens’ overseas spending figures increased by 2 billion dollars after one year. Meanwhile, Russian spending while traveling was 30 billion dollars in 2011, 11 billion dollars less than its figure in 2012.

Being the top spender for international tourism with 86 billion dollars in 2011, Germany’s figure witnessed a decline of 3 billion dollars after a year. A minor drop of 1 billion dollars was reported in France’s travel spending, from 40 to 39 billion dollars. Canada was the country whose citizens spent the least amount of money on international travel, at 18 billion dollars in both years.