The chart below shows the average cost of monthly, contract for four different mobile (cell phones) in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in euro.

The given line chart demonstrates the average cost of monthly, contracts for four types of mobile phones in a European country over 9 month period.
Overall, there was an increase in the contract of mobile phone sales in Domo, Lex, and Alpha; Meanwhile, there was a decrease in the deal of cell phone sales in Sim Tx. Additionally, the highest was recorded in the contract of phone sales in Alpha in September. On the other hand, the commitment of cell phone sales in Sim Tx witnessed the lowest in September.
In 9 month period, the number of contract of phone sales of Alpha saw a dramatic increase with more than 20 deals which was moderately higher than the contract of Lex, at only 10%. Over the following 9 months, Alpha is the occurrence of an abrupt upward turn in the deal of mobile phones which experienced a significant increase in the last 4 months surpassing the number of phone-selling contracts of Domo and taking the first place in the graph. Subsequently, despite some gradual fluctuation in the first 6 months, plenty of mobile phone sales in Lex then increased slightly at approximately 7 deals.
Looking at the contracts of other firms in cell phones, Domo and Sim Tx both witnessed a variation from April to June; However, In the following months, these 2 firms saw two opposing trends with a moderate increase in the deal of Domo and the number of contract of Sim Tx saw a significant decline. Over the next 9 months, the number of commitments of cell phone sales Domo only saw a gradual fluctuation with approximately 5 deals. In contrast, a dramatic decrease was seen in the commitment of mobile phones of Sim Tx in July and afterward making the company witness the lowest deals of mobile phone sales in September.

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Errors and Improvements:

"deal of cell phone sales" -> "sales volume of cell phones"
Explanation: "Deal" is not typically used to refer to sales volume in this context. "Sales volume" is a more precise and commonly used term to describe the quantity of sales.
"the commitment of cell phone sales" -> "the volume of cell phone contracts"
Explanation: "Commitment" in this context does not accurately convey the idea of sales volume. "Volume of cell phone contracts" specifies the number or amount of contracts signed, which is more appropriate here.
"saw a dramatic increase with more than 20 deals" -> "experienced a significant increase with over 20 contracts"
Explanation: Using "contracts" instead of "deals" is more formal and specific in the context of business transactions like mobile phone contracts.
"experienced a significant increase in the last 4 months" -> "witnessed a substantial increase in the final 4 months"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is a more formal and appropriate term in this context. It conveys observation or experience in a more objective manner.
"taking the first place in the graph" -> "claiming the top position in the chart"
Explanation: "Claiming the top position" is a more precise and formal way to describe being in first place, especially in a visual representation like a chart or graph.
"some gradual fluctuation" -> "some minor fluctuations"
Explanation: "Minor fluctuations" is a more accurate and formal term to describe small changes over time.
"witnessed a variation from April to June" -> "observed fluctuations from April to June"
Explanation: "Observed fluctuations" is clearer and more formal than "variation" in describing changes in trends over time.
"making the company witness the lowest deals" -> "resulting in the company experiencing the lowest sales"
Explanation: "Experiencing the lowest sales" is a more formal and appropriate phrase to describe the outcome of decreased business activity.

By addressing these errors and using the suggested improvements, the essay will achieve greater clarity and precision in describing the trends and data presented in the chart.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the trends in the average cost of monthly contracts for four different mobile phones in a European country from January to September 2002. The overview is clear and highlights key features such as the overall increase in contracts for Domo, Lex, and Alpha, and the decrease for Sim Tx. The essay also mentions the highest recorded sales in Alpha in September and the lowest in Sim Tx during the same month.

However, there are areas where the response could be improved to achieve a higher band score. The analysis of the data could be more detailed and precise, with more accurate descriptions of the trends. Additionally, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that could be corrected to enhance clarity and coherence.

How to improve:
To improve the score, provide a more detailed and precise analysis of the data, ensuring that key trends are accurately described. Pay close attention to grammar and phrasing to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay shows some basic organization of information, but there is no clear progression in the response. The essay lacks logical sequencing of information and ideas, often jumping between points without clear development. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, but they are often inaccurate or repetitive. The use of paragraphing is inadequate and confusing, with some parts of the essay lacking clear paragraphs.

How to improve:

Logical organization: Ensure a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Organize ideas logically within each paragraph.
Cohesive devices: Use cohesive devices more accurately and appropriately. Avoid repetitive use and ensure they indicate a logical relationship between ideas.
Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic and develops that topic fully. Use paragraphs logically to structure your essay.

This feedback should help in improving the coherence and cohesion of your essay for the next attempt.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. The candidate attempts to convey information about the chart but lacks fluency and precision in vocabulary usage. There are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay, which may cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, "deal of cell phone sales" could be improved to "mobile phone contracts" for better clarity and accuracy. Additionally, there are errors in collocation and usage, such as "the deal of mobile phone sales," which could be better phrased as "mobile phone contract sales" or simply "mobile phone contracts."

How to improve:

Enhance vocabulary range by incorporating a wider variety of terms related to mobile phone contracts, sales, trends, and fluctuations.
Pay attention to word choice and collocation to ensure accuracy and clarity of expression. Avoid using awkward or repetitive phrases.
Review spelling and word formation to minimize errors and enhance readability.
Work on sentence structure and coherence to improve overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures with some attempts at complex sentences, but these are often inaccurate or unclear. There are frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation throughout the essay, which affect the clarity and coherence of the writing.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on expanding the range of sentence structures used, aiming for more accurate and clear complex sentences. Work on improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation to reduce errors that currently hinder communication. Pay attention to sentence construction to enhance clarity and coherence in expressing ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart illustrates the average monthly contract costs for four different types of mobile phones in a European country over a nine-month period in 2002, measured in euros.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the contract sales of mobile phones for Domo, Lex, and Alpha, whereas there was a decline in the sales contracts for Sim Tx. Notably, the highest average contract cost was observed for Alpha in September, while the lowest was recorded for Sim Tx in the same month.

During the nine-month period, there was a substantial increase in the number of contracts for Alpha, exceeding 20 deals, which was notably higher than the contracts for Lex, at around 10%. Alpha experienced a significant surge in mobile phone contracts over the last four months, surpassing Domo and claiming the top position in the chart. Meanwhile, although there were some minor fluctuations in the first six months, Lex saw a slight increase in contracts, reaching approximately seven deals.

In contrast, Domo and Sim Tx experienced fluctuations from April to June, with Domo showing a moderate increase in contracts and Sim Tx witnessing a significant decline. Over the subsequent nine months, Domo’s contract numbers remained relatively stable, hovering around five deals. Conversely, Sim Tx experienced a sharp decline in contracts starting from July, resulting in the lowest number of mobile phone sales contracts in September.