The chart below shows the average cost of the monthly contracts for four different mobile (cell) phones in a European country from January to September 2022, measured in euros.

The line graph illustrates the average cost of the contracts per month for various kinds of cell phones, including Domo, Lex, Sim TX, and Alpha in a particular European nation between January to September in 2022. Unit is measured by euros.
Overall, it can be seen that, the average budget for contracts of Domo, Lex, and Alpha increased throughout the period shown, the opposite was true for Sim TX. It is noticeable that, beginning the period, the figure for Alpha was the lower than that of other mobile phones, while during the last months, this data surged and secured the first position.
Looking from the chart, the expenditure on contracts of Domo and Lex were close to identical. In January, around 15 euros was spent on Domo’s contracts, which was highest data among cell phones, followed by Lex at approximately 13. In the first quarter of the year 2022, the figure for Domo rose minimally, while that of Lex dropped to 10 euros before increasing again. From March to July, both of brands witnessed a gradual growth in the average cost for contracts with 25 for Domo and 15 for Lex. In the last quarter saw a fall by 2 euros for Domo and a rise by 3 euros for Lex.
Turning to the remaining mobile phones, in January, the figure for Sim TX was around 9, which was nearly twice as high as that of Alpha. Between February and April, there was an upward trend in the data of both brands before a decrease to around 5 was recorded for Alpha’s data in the second quarter. However, the average cost for Alpha rocketed to around 25 euros in the last months and became the highest data, while that of Sim TX declined considerable to about 13 at the same period.

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Errors and Improvements:

"average cost" -> "mean expenditure"
Explanation: Using "mean expenditure" instead of "average cost" provides a more formal and precise term, aligning with the academic tone of the essay.
"contracts per month" -> "monthly contract expenses"
Explanation: "monthly contract expenses" is a clearer and more concise phrase than "contracts per month," offering a smoother flow to the sentence.
"kinds of cell phones" -> "variants of cell phones"
Explanation: "variants of cell phones" conveys a more nuanced understanding of the different models, elevating the vocabulary choice.
"Unit is measured by euros" -> "Units are denominated in euros"
Explanation: "denominated" is a more sophisticated term for expressing measurement in a specific currency.
"Overall, it can be seen that," -> "Overall, it is evident that,"
Explanation: "it is evident that" is a stronger and more direct phrase, eliminating unnecessary words and enhancing clarity.
"average budget" -> "mean budget"
Explanation: "mean budget" is a more precise term for describing the central tendency of expenditure.
"the opposite was true for" -> "contrarily, this was not the case for"
Explanation: "contrarily, this was not the case for" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the opposite trend observed.
"It is noticeable that," -> "It is noteworthy that,"
Explanation: "It is noteworthy that" adds emphasis and sophistication to the observation, enhancing the overall tone.
"beginning the period" -> "at the outset of the period"
Explanation: "at the outset of the period" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the beginning of the timeframe.
"lower than that of other mobile phones" -> "inferior to those of other mobile phones"
Explanation: "inferior to those of other mobile phones" offers a more direct and formal comparison between the data points.
"during the last months" -> "towards the end of the period"
Explanation: "towards the end of the period" provides a more specific and precise reference to the timeframe being discussed.
"expenditure on contracts" -> "expenditure for contracts"
Explanation: "expenditure for contracts" is a more grammatically correct phrase, maintaining clarity and coherence in the sentence structure.
"were close to identical" -> "were nearly indistinguishable"
Explanation: "were nearly indistinguishable" offers a more descriptive and precise comparison between the two data points.
"the figure for Domo rose minimally" -> "there was a marginal increase in the figure for Domo"
Explanation: "there was a marginal increase in the figure for Domo" provides a clearer and more formal description of the slight rise in expenditure.
"both of brands" -> "both brands"
Explanation: "both brands" is a grammatically correct and more concise way to refer to two entities.
"witnessed a gradual growth" -> "experienced a gradual increase"
Explanation: "experienced a gradual increase" is a more dynamic and formal phrase, enhancing the description of the trend.
"saw a fall by 2 euros" -> "experienced a decrease of 2 euros"
Explanation: "experienced a decrease of 2 euros" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the decline in expenditure.
"rocketed to around 25 euros" -> "soared to approximately 25 euros"
Explanation: "soared to approximately 25 euros" offers a more vivid and expressive description of the significant increase in expenditure.
"declined considerable to about 13" -> "considerably declined to approximately 13"
Explanation: "considerably declined to approximately 13" provides a more grammatically correct and precise expression of the decrease in expenditure.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the line graph. It covers the main trends and differences in the average cost of monthly contracts for the four mobile phone brands over the specified time period. The key features, such as the fluctuations in costs for each brand over time, are highlighted, albeit with some inaccuracies and lack of depth in analysis.

How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide a more detailed and accurate description of the data. Ensure that the analysis is precise, avoiding inaccuracies or inconsistencies in presenting the information. Additionally, expand on the explanation of trends and provide more insight into the reasons behind the observed changes in costs for each mobile phone brand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, maintaining a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, although there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to logical organization. However, the essay’s paragraphing is not always entirely logical, and there are some minor issues with referencing.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the transitions between sentences and paragraphs to ensure smoother flow and clearer connections between ideas. Additionally, pay closer attention to paragraph structure to ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea cohesively. Finally, ensure consistent and accurate referencing throughout the essay to avoid any confusion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the information effectively. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "expenditure," "witnessed," and "rocketed," which enhances the lexical variety. The writer employs vocabulary related to data presentation and analysis, such as "line graph," "average," and "upward trend," appropriately. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "beginning the period" instead of "at the beginning of the period," which slightly affects precision. Some phrases could be refined for clarity and accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on precise word choice and collocation. Review the use of prepositions and phrases for accuracy. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, especially synonyms and more sophisticated terminology, to elevate the lexical range further. Ensure that uncommon words are used correctly and seamlessly within the context of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. It uses a variety of sentence structures and shows an attempt to incorporate complex sentences. There is a good attempt at using punctuation, although some errors are present. The essay generally communicates the information effectively, though there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout.

How to improve: To improve, focus on refining complex sentence structures to ensure accuracy and clarity. Pay attention to punctuation errors and strive for consistency. Additionally, work on refining phrasing to enhance coherence and cohesion within the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph delineates the average monthly contract costs for various mobile phone models, namely Domo, Lex, Sim TX, and Alpha, in a specific European country from January to September 2022, measured in euros.

Overall, it is evident that the average expenditure for contracts of Domo, Lex, and Alpha exhibited an upward trajectory throughout the depicted period, while the opposite trend is observable for Sim TX. Notably, Alpha commenced with the lowest cost among the mobile phones, but experienced a significant surge towards the latter months, securing the foremost position.

Examining the data, expenditures on Domo and Lex contracts remained relatively similar. In January, approximately 15 euros was spent on Domo contracts, the highest among the mobile phones, followed by Lex at around 13 euros. In the initial quarter of 2022, Domo’s costs saw a marginal increase, while Lex experienced a decline to 10 euros before rebounding. Subsequently, from March to July, both brands witnessed a gradual increment in average contract costs, reaching 25 euros for Domo and 15 euros for Lex. In the final quarter, there was a marginal decrease of 2 euros for Domo and an increase of 3 euros for Lex.

Regarding the remaining mobile phones, Sim TX started with a cost of approximately 9 euros in January, nearly double that of Alpha. Between February and April, there was an upward trend in costs for both brands before a decline to around 5 euros for Alpha in the second quarter. However, Alpha’s costs surged to around 25 euros in the latter months, becoming the highest among the mobile phones, while Sim TX witnessed a considerable decrease to about 13 euros during the same period.