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The chart below shows the average hours spent per day in leisure and sports activities, by youngest and oldest populations, in the US, in 2015.

The chart below shows the average hours spent per day in leisure and sports activities, by youngest and oldest populations, in the US, in 2015.

The given bar chart illustrates the average time used every day for recreational and physical activities, by the American youngsters and elderly, in the year of 2015.

Overall, it can be obviously observed that watching television took the lead in both groups. Meanwhile, the figure for the youth doing relaxing and thinking stood at the bottom, as well as doing exercises emerged the minority in the over 75 group.

Firstly, in terms of the teenage group, the majority of time was spent on watching TV, approximately doubling than playing games and computer. Meanwhile, there was a similar matter of time used for reading, relaxing and thinking, which was around 0.3 hour. The amount of sport time was as much as socializing and communicating, with nearly 0.8 hour.

With regard to the other group, the same pattern compared with the younger group, most of the elderly spent 4.5 hours per day on TV, of which reading manifested about one fourth. Taking a closer look reveals that relaxing and socializing comprised roughly 0.5 hour, while playing games was 0.2 less than those. Lastly, just little time was spent on sport.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "it can be obviously observed" -> "it is evident"
    Explanation: Replacing "it can be obviously observed" with "it is evident" results in a more straightforward expression, enhancing clarity and maintaining formality.

  2. "watching television took the lead" -> "television viewing predominated"
    Explanation: Substituting "watching television took the lead" with "television viewing predominated" introduces a more sophisticated term, improving the precision of the statement.

  3. "doing relaxing and thinking" -> "engaging in relaxation and contemplation"
    Explanation: Changing "doing relaxing and thinking" to "engaging in relaxation and contemplation" utilizes more precise and formal language, enhancing the description of activities.

  4. "emerged the minority" -> "constituted the minority"
    Explanation: Replacing "emerged the minority" with "constituted the minority" employs a more appropriate phrase, conveying the idea that doing exercises was the minority activity more effectively.

  5. "the majority of time was spent on" -> "a predominant amount of time was dedicated to"
    Explanation: Substituting "the majority of time was spent on" with "a predominant amount of time was dedicated to" adds nuance and formality to the description of time allocation.

  6. "as much as socializing and communicating" -> "equivalent to socializing and communicating"
    Explanation: Changing "as much as socializing and communicating" to "equivalent to socializing and communicating" provides a more precise comparison, emphasizing equality in time spent on different activities.

  7. "the same pattern compared with" -> "followed a similar pattern to"
    Explanation: Replacing "the same pattern compared with" with "followed a similar pattern to" improves the flow of the sentence and maintains consistency in expression.

  8. "of which reading manifested about one fourth" -> "of which approximately one-fourth was devoted to reading"
    Explanation: Substituting "of which reading manifested about one fourth" with "of which approximately one-fourth was devoted to reading" clarifies the relationship between TV time and reading time in a more formal manner.

  9. "Taking a closer look reveals" -> "Closer examination reveals"
    Explanation: Changing "Taking a closer look reveals" to "Closer examination reveals" introduces a more refined phrase, emphasizing the importance of careful scrutiny.

  10. "just little time was spent on sport" -> "only a minimal amount of time was allocated to sports"
    Explanation: Replacing "just little time was spent on sport" with "only a minimal amount of time was allocated to sports" enhances the precision of the statement and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the given task by providing an overview of the average hours spent on leisure and sports activities by different age groups in the US in 2015. It identifies the main trends observed in the chart, such as the prominence of television watching and the variations in activity times between the younger and older populations. The key features of the data are highlighted, albeit with some detail missing, especially regarding specific numerical values for each activity.

How to improve:

  1. Clarity and Expansion: The essay could benefit from more comprehensive development. It presents an overview but lacks specific details and elaboration on the data points provided in the chart. Expanding on the numerical figures and proportions related to each activity would enhance the response.
  2. Accuracy and Precision: The precision of the information could be improved by providing exact figures or percentages from the chart. For instance, instead of using terms like "approximately doubling" or "roughly one fourth," offering precise values would strengthen the analysis.
  3. Structural Organization: Consider improving the structural organization by grouping related activities together for clearer readability and coherence.

Overall, while the essay sufficiently covers the task requirements by presenting an overview of the data trends, it could enhance its quality by providing more specific and detailed information supported by the data presented in the chart.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The overall organization is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing the data for each age group, and a conclusion. The use of cohesive devices is generally effective, aiding in the overall flow of the essay. There is a logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs. The writer employs transitional phrases such as "meanwhile" and "firstly" to connect ideas. Paragraphing is used, but there are instances where it could be improved for better logical flow.

How to Improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the paragraphing to ensure a more logical progression of ideas. The introduction could provide a clearer roadmap of the subsequent discussion, indicating that the essay will cover both age groups separately. Additionally, strive for more varied and precise cohesive devices to establish stronger connections between sentences and ideas. The essay could benefit from a more nuanced use of vocabulary and grammar to convey ideas more precisely and concisely.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay falls into the Band 7 category for Lexical Resource. The vocabulary range is sufficient to convey ideas effectively, and there is an attempt to use less common lexical items. The essay demonstrates awareness of style and collocation. There are, however, occasional errors in word choice and spelling.

The candidate successfully communicates the main points of the chart, using vocabulary that generally suits the context. Phrases like "recreational and physical activities," "manifested about one fourth," and "the majority of time" contribute to a relatively varied lexicon. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings, such as "the amount of sport time was as much as socializing," which affects the fluency and precision of expression.

Spelling errors, such as "emerged the minority" and "manifested about one fourth," while not impeding overall communication, contribute to minor inaccuracies. Additionally, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated and precise vocabulary to enhance the essay’s overall quality.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, the candidate should aim for more accurate and nuanced word choices. Proofreading for spelling errors is essential to avoid minor inaccuracies. Further, incorporating a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary, especially in describing trends or making comparisons, would elevate the essay to a higher band. Additionally, refining collocation and phrasing can contribute to a smoother and more precise expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay showcases a mix of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex forms. There is an attempt at using a variety of vocabulary and sentence constructions, but there are noticeable grammatical errors throughout. While there is some control over grammar and punctuation, these errors, though frequent, do not significantly obstruct comprehension.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Work on sentence complexity without sacrificing accuracy, and revise to eliminate common errors to elevate the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the daily average duration allocated to leisure and physical activities among the youth and elderly populations in the United States in the year 2015.

Overall, a clear trend emerges, with television consumption dominating both age groups. Conversely, activities such as engaging in thoughtful pursuits and physical exercises are notably less prevalent, especially among individuals aged 75 and above.

In the younger demographic, television viewing occupies the majority of their leisure time, approximately twice as much as playing computer games. Notably, reading, relaxation, and contemplation account for a similar duration, roughly 0.3 hours each, while sports engagement mirrors the time spent on socializing, both at nearly 0.8 hours.

Turning attention to the older cohort, a parallel pattern is evident. The majority, approximately 4.5 hours per day, is devoted to television, with reading constituting around one-fourth of that time. A closer examination reveals that relaxation and social interaction each take up about 0.5 hours, while game playing lags slightly behind at 0.3 hours. Notably, the elderly allocate only a minimal amount of time to sports activities.

In conclusion, the data underscores a shared emphasis on television among both age groups, while more mentally stimulating and physically active pursuits receive comparatively limited attention. This suggests a societal inclination towards passive recreational activities, particularly prevalent among the older population.

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