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The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in New Port city center from 2003-2012.

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in New Port city center from 2003-2012.

The line graph illustrates the alterations of the figure of incidents by burglary, car theft,robbery occured in New Port city center during a 9 year period.
Overall, it is clear that the figure of robbery was by far the lowest during the research period.Additionally,the rate of Burglary and Car Theft all decreased.
In 2003, the number of Burglary was highest, at nearly 3500, while the rate of theft from person was lowest, around 600.Meanwhile, about 2600 incidents of car theft happend in New Port city center.The quantity of burglary and car theft all reduced and converged between 2006 and 2007, each reaching 2200 approximately.In 2008, the theft from citizens dropped slightly and reached the lowest point of 500.
In 2012,the rate of robbery incidents is predicted to remain 600 compare with 2003.In the same years,the figure of burglary experienced the most significant reduce , about 1400.Similarly, the number of car theft slightly decreased at 2400 incidents.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "alterations of the figure of incidents" -> "fluctuations in the number of incidents"
    Explanation: "Alterations" is not commonly used in this context. "Fluctuations" is a more precise term that conveys changes over time.
  2. "by burglary, car theft, robbery occured" -> "involving burglary, car theft, and robbery that occurred"
    Explanation: "By" doesn’t appropriately convey the relationship between incidents and types of crime. Using "involving" clarifies that the mentioned crimes are the subjects of the incidents, and "occurred" is a more standard verb choice.
  3. "the figure of robbery" -> "the number of robbery incidents"
    Explanation: "Figure" in this context is vague and better replaced with "number of robbery incidents" for clarity.
  4. "was by far the lowest" -> "was significantly lower"
    Explanation: "By far the lowest" is informal; "significantly lower" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
  5. "rate of Burglary and Car Theft all decreased" -> "incidence of burglary and car theft both declined"
    Explanation: "Rate" doesn’t accurately convey the idea of the number of incidents. "Incidence" is more suitable. Additionally, "all decreased" is redundant and can be simplified to "both declined."
  6. "the number of Burglary" -> "the number of burglaries"
    Explanation: "Burglary" should be pluralized to refer to multiple incidents.
  7. "rate of theft from person" -> "incidence of theft from persons"
    Explanation: "Rate" is not the most suitable term here. "Incidence" is more appropriate in this context.
  8. "happend" -> "occurred"
    Explanation: "Happend" is a misspelling of "happened."
  9. "quantity of burglary and car theft all reduced" -> "number of burglaries and car thefts decreased"
    Explanation: "Quantity" is less precise than "number" in this context, and "all reduced" can be simplified to "decreased."
  10. "converged between 2006 and 2007" -> "converged during the period between 2006 and 2007"
    Explanation: Adding "during the period" clarifies the timeframe of convergence.
  11. "the rate of robbery incidents is predicted to remain 600" -> "the number of robbery incidents is projected to remain at 600"
    Explanation: "Rate" is not appropriate here. "Projected" is more precise than "predicted." Additionally, "remain 600" should be "remain at 600" for clarity.
  12. "the figure of burglary experienced the most significant reduce" -> "the number of burglaries experienced the most significant reduction"
    Explanation: "Figure" should be replaced with "number," and "reduce" should be "reduction" to maintain grammatical correctness.
  13. "the number of car theft slightly decreased" -> "the number of car thefts experienced a slight decrease"
    Explanation: "Decreased" should be "experienced a slight decrease" for clarity and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in crime rates in New Port city center from 2003-2012. The main trends are highlighted, but the presentation lacks clarity and coherence. There are inaccuracies in the details provided, and the structure is fragmented.

How to improve:

  • Ensure that all key features and bullet points are covered.
  • Provide a clearer overview of the main trends and differences.
  • Avoid irrelevant details and inaccuracies.
  • Improve coherence and structure in the essay.

The essay is fairly representative of a Band 5 response. It covers the requirements of the task by addressing the trends in crime rates over the specified time period. However, it has several issues that prevent it from scoring higher.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, outlining the changes in crime rates in New Port city center from 2003 to 2012. The introduction attempts to summarize the main trends but lacks clarity and precision. There is a clear attempt at organizing the information chronologically, although some details could be better structured. However, the essay lacks overall progression as it jumps between different years without a clear transition or development of ideas. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate; there are instances of repetition ("rate of burglary," "rate of car theft"), and the essay would benefit from a more varied and accurate use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas. Paragraphing is attempted, but it’s inadequate, as there is no clear separation of ideas into distinct paragraphs, leading to confusion. Additionally, the essay lacks referencing and substitution, resulting in some repetitive language.
How to improve:

  1. Improve the clarity and precision of the introduction to provide a better overview of the trends discussed.
  2. Ensure a clear progression of ideas by linking sentences and paragraphs logically, perhaps by using transition words or phrases.
  3. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices more accurately to improve coherence.
  4. Organize the essay into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the data presented.
  5. Avoid repetition by using referencing and substitution where appropriate.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some inaccuracies in word choice and expression. While it adequately describes the changes in crime rates over the specified period, there is repetition of vocabulary ("figure," "rate," "incidents") and some errors in word usage ("occured" instead of "occurred," "happend" instead of "happened"). Additionally, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "burglary" spelled as "Burglary" and "robbery" spelled as "Robbery."

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, aim for greater variety in vocabulary usage. Synonyms or different expressions for terms like "figure" or "rate" can be utilized. Pay attention to spelling and word formation to ensure accuracy. Proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct errors. Additionally, expanding vocabulary through reading and practice can improve lexical range and accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of structures such as simple statements, compound sentences, and clauses. There is an attempt at complex sentences, although some lack accuracy, impacting clarity. For instance, "the rate of robbery incidents is predicted to remain 600 compare with 2003" lacks grammatical accuracy. However, the essay generally communicates the intended message effectively.
How to improve: Focus on refining complex sentence structures for accuracy and clarity. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence coherence to enhance the overall grammatical accuracy. Additionally, ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay for smoother readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph depicts changes in the incidence rates of burglary, car theft, and robbery in New Port city center over a nine-year period.

Overall, it is evident that robbery consistently had the lowest occurrence throughout the study period. Additionally, both burglary and car theft experienced declines.

In 2003, burglary was the most prevalent, with nearly 3500 incidents, while theft from persons was the least frequent, at approximately 600 occurrences. Simultaneously, there were around 2600 incidents of car theft in New Port city center. Subsequently, the incidences of burglary and car theft both decreased and converged between 2006 and 2007, each hovering around 2200. By 2008, theft from citizens slightly decreased to its lowest point at 500 incidents.

In 2012, the incidence rate of robbery is projected to remain at 600, compared to 2003. Conversely, burglary experienced the most significant reduction, with a decrease of about 1400 incidents. Similarly, the number of car thefts saw a slight decrease to 2400 incidents during the same period.

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