The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
The given bar chart illustrates the number of male and female joined full- time education or part- time education over a period of 20 years.
Overall, it is clear that there was an increase in the figure for full time education and part- time education of women, while a downward trend was seen in the number of man took part in part-time
education.
Regarding male, the number of part time education started at 1000T in 1970/71, after which it experienced a decrease to 890T in 1980/1981, before ending the period at 900T in 1990/91. Meanwhile, approximately 100T of students studied full time in 1970/71, with a subsequent uptick to nearly 150T in 1980/81, and a final upward trend to approximately 270T in 1990/91.
In terms of female students, starting at 750T in 1970/71, the number of part time education grew up to 830T in 1980/81, followed by an upward trend to 1100T in 1990/91. Similar changes can be seen in the figure for full time, starting at 90T in 1970/71, followed by a remarkable rise to 200T in 1980/81, and ending at roughly 210T in 1990/91.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"illustrates the number of male and female joined full- time education or part- time education" -> "illustrates the number of males and females enrolled in full-time or part-time education"
Explanation: "Males" and "females" are the correct plural forms, and "enrolled" is a more precise term than "joined," which is less formal. Additionally, removing "the" before "number" improves clarity. -
"the figure for full time education and part- time education of women" -> "the figures for women’s full-time and part-time education"
Explanation: "Figures" is plural to match the context of both types of education, and reordering the phrase enhances clarity and conciseness. -
"downward trend was seen in the number of man took part in part-time education" -> "downward trend was observed in the number of males participating in part-time education"
Explanation: "Observed" is more formal than "seen," and "participating" is a more precise term than "took part." "Males" is the correct plural form. -
"the number of part time education started at 1000T" -> "the number of males participating in part-time education started at 1000T"
Explanation: The phrase lacks clarity regarding who is participating in part-time education. Adding "males" specifies the subject. -
"before ending the period at 900T in 1990/91" -> "before concluding the period at 900T in 1990/91"
Explanation: "Concluding" is a more formal and precise term than "ending," which enhances the academic tone. -
"approximately 100T of students studied full time" -> "approximately 100T of students were enrolled in full-time education"
Explanation: "Were enrolled in full-time education" is more precise and formal than "studied full time." -
"with a subsequent uptick to nearly 150T" -> "with a subsequent increase to nearly 150T"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more formal and precise term than "uptick," which is informal. -
"the number of part time education grew up to 830T" -> "the number of females participating in part-time education increased to 830T"
Explanation: "Increased" is more appropriate than "grew up to," and adding "females" clarifies the subject. -
"Similar changes can be seen in the figure for full time" -> "Similar trends are evident in the figures for full-time education"
Explanation: "Trends" is more appropriate than "changes," and "are evident" is a more formal expression than "can be seen." -
"followed by a remarkable rise to 200T" -> "followed by a significant increase to 200T"
Explanation: "Significant increase" is a more formal and precise phrase than "remarkable rise," which may imply subjective judgment. -
"and ending at roughly 210T" -> "and concluding at approximately 210T"
Explanation: "Concluding" is a more formal term than "ending," and "approximately" is more precise than "roughly."
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that there was an increase in the figure for full-time education and part-time education of women, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also does not adequately highlight the key features of the chart, such as the fact that the number of men in part-time education decreased over the period.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the chart. The essay could also be improved by highlighting the key features of the chart more effectively. For example, the essay could state that the number of men in part-time education decreased from 1000T in 1970/71 to 900T in 1990/91, while the number of women in part-time education increased from 750T to 1100T over the same period. The essay could also provide more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that the number of women in full-time education increased from 90T in 1970/71 to 210T in 1990/91.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in male and female education, the structure is somewhat disjointed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of information. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, leading to confusion in the presentation of ideas. Additionally, there are issues with paragraphing; the essay does not clearly separate different ideas or trends into distinct paragraphs, which detracts from its coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the data. Using a wider range of cohesive devices accurately will help to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will improve the overall clarity of the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help to eliminate confusion caused by mechanical errors.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While the writer attempts to describe trends and figures, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "joined full-time education" instead of "enrolled in full-time education," and "man" should be "men." Additionally, the phrase "grew up to" is awkward and could be replaced with "increased to." Spelling errors, such as "1000T" instead of "1,000," and "part- time" instead of "part-time," also detract from the overall clarity of the essay. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.
How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to education and statistics. Additionally, reducing repetition and using synonyms can enhance the richness of the language. Paying attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy is crucial, as well as ensuring that word choices are appropriate and contextually accurate. Finally, practicing the use of more complex sentence structures can help convey ideas more fluently and flexibly.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, these are not consistently accurate, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the number of man took part in part-time education" are grammatically incorrect, and the use of "joined full-time education or part-time education" lacks clarity. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as inconsistent use of commas and slashes, can cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the grammatical inaccuracies and limited range of structures hinder effective communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Practicing the correct use of subject-verb agreement and ensuring clarity in phrasing will also help. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that sentences are complete and coherent will improve overall readability. Engaging with more advanced grammar resources or exercises could also be beneficial in achieving a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given bar chart illustrates the number of males and females enrolled in full-time or part-time education in Britain over a period of 20 years. Overall, it is clear that there was an increase in the figures for both full-time and part-time education among women, while a downward trend was observed in the number of men participating in part-time education.
Regarding males, the number of students in part-time education started at 1,000 in 1970/71, after which it experienced a decrease to 890 in 1980/81, before ending the period at 900 in 1990/91. Meanwhile, approximately 100 students were studying full-time in 1970/71, with a subsequent increase to nearly 150 in 1980/81, and a final upward trend to approximately 270 in 1990/91.
In terms of female students, starting at 750 in 1970/71, the number in part-time education rose to 830 in 1980/81, followed by an upward trend to 1,100 in 1990/91. Similar changes can be observed in the figures for full-time education, which began at 90 in 1970/71, followed by a remarkable rise to 200 in 1980/81, and ending at roughly 210 in 1990/91.
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