The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one regions in Australia in 2001 in 2008

The bar chart illustrates the data of people in five types of work in an area of Australia between 2001 and 2008. Overall, it is clear that the figures for citizens engaged in sales in both years was the highest compared to residents working in other types of occupations. In addition, the figures for people employed in accounting and farming decreased from 2001 to 2008, while the numbers of sales, computing and nursing rose in the same period.
Looking at the increasing jobs, the figures for residents working in sales and nursing grew slightly from 155,000 and 50000 people in 2001 to 165,000 in 55000 people in 2008, respectively. The number of citizens in computing experienced a significant growth during the 8-year starting in 2001 ( 55000 to 80000people).
Turning to the other types of work in 2001, the figure for residents employed in accounting was 65,000 people before falling marginally to 60,000 people in 2008. Additionally, the number of citizens working in farming in 2000 was 30,000 people, while the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates the data of people in five types of work" -> "The bar chart presents data on the employment of five categories of workers"
Explanation: "Presents data on" is a more precise and formal way to describe the content of a graph, and "categories of workers" is a more specific term than "types of work."
"between 2001 and 2008" -> "over the period from 2001 to 2008"
Explanation: "Over the period from" is a more formal and precise way to describe a time span, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the figures for citizens engaged in sales in both years was the highest" -> "the number of citizens engaged in sales in both years was the highest"
Explanation: "Number" is a more precise term than "figures" in this context, referring directly to the quantitative data.
"residents working in other types of occupations" -> "individuals employed in other occupations"
Explanation: "Individuals employed" is a more formal and precise term than "residents working," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"the figures for people employed in accounting and farming decreased" -> "the numbers of individuals employed in accounting and farming decreased"
Explanation: "Numbers" is more specific than "figures" when referring to numerical data, and "individuals" is a more formal choice than "people."
"the numbers of sales, computing and nursing rose" -> "the numbers of individuals in sales, computing, and nursing increased"
Explanation: Adding "in" before "sales, computing, and nursing" clarifies that these are fields of employment, and "increased" is a more formal synonym for "rose."
"the figures for residents working in sales and nursing grew slightly" -> "the numbers of individuals in sales and nursing increased slightly"
Explanation: Again, "numbers of individuals" is more precise than "figures for residents," and "increased" is a more formal term than "grew."
"the number of citizens in computing experienced a significant growth" -> "the number of individuals in computing experienced significant growth"
Explanation: "Significant growth" is a more standard academic phraseology, and "individuals" is preferred over "citizens" in this context.
"the figure for residents employed in accounting was 65,000 people" -> "the number of individuals employed in accounting was 65,000"
Explanation: "Number" is more precise than "figure" in this context, and "individuals" is more formal than "residents."
"before falling marginally to 60,000 people in 2008" -> "before decreasing marginally to 60,000 in 2008"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is a more precise verb than "falling" in this context, and removing "people" after "60,000" corrects the grammatical structure.
"the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower" -> "the figure for farming in 2008 was 10,000 fewer"
Explanation: "Fewer" is the correct comparative form for countable nouns like "figure," and "10,000" should not be hyphenated when used as an adjective modifying "fewer."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the number of people employed in sales and nursing grew slightly, but it does not provide any specific figures to support this claim. Additionally, the essay does not provide a clear overview of the overall changes in employment between 2001 and 2008.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in employment for each type of work. For example, the essay could state that the number of people employed in sales increased by 10,000 between 2001 and 2008. The essay could also provide a more detailed overview of the overall changes in employment, such as stating that the number of people employed in the region increased by 10% between 2001 and 2008.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while there is some logical arrangement of ideas, the cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, with instances of awkward phrasing and unclear referencing. For example, the phrase "the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower" is confusing and lacks clarity. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always used logically, as some ideas could be better grouped together for improved clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Clarifying references and avoiding repetitive phrases would also strengthen the essay. Additionally, organizing paragraphs to group related ideas together could improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the data presented in the chart, the vocabulary used is basic and at times repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the figures for citizens engaged in sales" and "the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "55000 in 55000 people" and "the amount the figure for it," which further detract from clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are appropriate for the context. Improving collocation and ensuring accurate word choice will also help. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors will contribute to clearer communication. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can also enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms and punctuation issues, can cause confusion for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the figures for citizens engaged in sales in both years was the highest" contain subject-verb agreement errors, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower." These errors hinder clarity and coherence, which is essential for higher band scores.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review and practice grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and the correct use of punctuation, to minimize errors.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer phrasing and avoid redundancy. For example, instead of "the amount the figure for it in 2008 was 10000 people lower," a clearer expression could be "the figure for farming in 2008 was 10,000 people lower."
Proofreading: Always proofread the essay to catch and correct any grammatical or punctuation mistakes before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five types of work in a region of Australia between 2001 and 2008. Overall, it is clear that the figures for citizens engaged in sales in both years were the highest compared to residents working in other types of occupations. In addition, the figures for people employed in accounting and farming decreased from 2001 to 2008, while the numbers in sales, computing, and nursing rose during the same period.

Looking at the increasing jobs, the figures for residents working in sales and nursing grew slightly from 155,000 and 50,000 people in 2001 to 165,000 and 55,000 people in 2008, respectively. The number of citizens in computing experienced significant growth during the eight-year period, rising from 55,000 to 80,000 people.

Turning to the other types of work in 2001, the figure for residents employed in accounting was 65,000 people before falling marginally to 60,000 people in 2008. Additionally, the number of citizens working in farming in 2001 was 30,000 people, while the figure for it in 2008 was 10,000 people lower.