The chart below shows the percentage of Australian people who were born in different places of the world
The chart below shows the percentage of Australian people who were born in different places of the world
The given line graph illustrates how many percentages of Australians were born in different region of the world
In general, the percentage of Australian people who were born abroad fluctuated significantly over the measured period. Additionally, while the percentage of Australians born in Asia rose over the period, the percentage born in the UK declined steadily.
To begin with, the figure for Australian born in asia and the other countries started at around 3 percents and 12 percents in 1976 respectively to nearly 8 percents in asia in 2001 before it rose significantly to 15 percents in 2011. with the other places, the proportion of Australian birth dropped down to 6 percents in 1986, after this the ratio climbed sharply to approximately 13 percents in 2011
however, the amount of Australian birth in the UK gradually plummeted every years from almost 13 percents in 1976 to 5 percents in 2011. further more the total of Australians were born abroad fluctuated over the 35 years period beginning at around 29% in 1976 decreasing to 21% in 2001 and consequently hit its peak at 25 percents in 2011
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The given line graph illustrates how many percentages of Australians were born in different region of the world" -> "The given line graph illustrates the percentage of Australians born in various regions of the world"
Explanation: Replacing "how many percentages of Australians were born in different region of the world" with "the percentage of Australians born in various regions of the world" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, enhancing the formal tone and precision. -
"In general, the percentage of Australian people who were born abroad fluctuated significantly over the measured period." -> "In general, the percentage of Australians born abroad fluctuated significantly over the measured period."
Explanation: Removing "people" and changing "Australian" to "Australians" corrects the possessive form, aligning with the plural subject "percentage of Australians born abroad," which is more appropriate for the context. -
"the percentage born in Asia rose over the period" -> "the percentage of Australians born in Asia increased over the period"
Explanation: Adding "of Australians" clarifies that the percentage refers to the proportion of Australians born in Asia, enhancing specificity and clarity in the academic context. -
"the percentage born in the UK declined steadily" -> "the percentage of Australians born in the UK decreased steadily"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, adding "of Australians" clarifies the subject and maintains consistency with the previous corrections, ensuring clarity and precision. -
"the figure for Australian born in asia and the other countries started at around 3 percents and 12 percents" -> "the figures for Australians born in Asia and other countries began at approximately 3% and 12%"
Explanation: Correcting "Australian born" to "Australians born" fixes the possessive error, and changing "started" to "began" and "percents" to "%" corrects the spelling and aligns with standard numerical notation. -
"rose significantly to 15 percents in 2011" -> "increased significantly to 15% in 2011"
Explanation: Replacing "rose" with "increased" and "percents" with "%" corrects the verb choice and notation for numerical values in academic writing. -
"with the other places, the proportion of Australian birth dropped down to 6 percents" -> "with the other regions, the proportion of Australian births decreased to 6%"
Explanation: Replacing "dropped down" with "decreased" and "Australian birth" with "Australian births" corrects the verb and noun form, enhancing formality and accuracy. -
"the amount of Australian birth in the UK gradually plummeted every years" -> "the proportion of Australian births in the UK gradually decreased annually"
Explanation: Replacing "amount" with "proportion" and "plummeted every years" with "decreased annually" corrects the noun and verb choice, aligning with more precise and formal language. -
"further more the total of Australians were born abroad fluctuated" -> "Furthermore, the total number of Australians born abroad fluctuated"
Explanation: Correcting "further more" to "Furthermore" and "total of Australians" to "total number of Australians" corrects the conjunction and noun phrase, enhancing the formal tone and clarity. -
"beginning at around 29% in 1976 decreasing to 21% in 2001 and consequently hit its peak at 25 percents in 2011" -> "beginning at approximately 29% in 1976, decreasing to 21% in 2001, and subsequently reaching a peak of 25% in 2011"
Explanation: Replacing "decreasing" with "decreasing, and" and "hit its peak at" with "reaching a peak of" corrects the punctuation and verb choice, improving the flow and formality of the sentence.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4
Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that the percentage of Australians born in Asia rose over the period, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that the percentage of Australians born in the UK declined steadily, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of Australians born in Asia rose from 3% in 1976 to 15% in 2011. The essay could also state that the percentage of Australians born in the UK declined from 13% in 1976 to 5% in 2011.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in the data, the use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, with some sentences lacking clear connections to the main ideas. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hinder clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices accurately and appropriately. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and maintaining logical progression between ideas will improve the overall structure. Furthermore, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help convey the information more effectively.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While there are attempts to use some less common vocabulary, inaccuracies in word choice and spelling are present, which may cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the figure for Australian born in asia" and "the total of Australians were born abroad" contain grammatical errors and awkward constructions. Additionally, the use of "percents" instead of "percentages" is a noticeable error. Overall, the vocabulary used does not sufficiently convey the intended meanings with clarity and precision, leading to a score of 5.0.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accurate word choice. This includes using synonyms for common words, improving collocation, and paying attention to spelling and grammatical structures. Practicing with more complex sentence structures and reviewing common phrases related to data description could also help improve clarity and precision in their writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts some complex sentences; however, many of these attempts are inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement and punctuation, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the figure for Australian born in asia" should be "the figure for Australians born in Asia," and "the amount of Australian birth" should be "the number of Australian births." Additionally, the use of "percents" is incorrect; the correct term is "percentages." Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder clarity and coherence.
How to improve:
- Expand Grammatical Range: Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
- Focus on Accuracy: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of nouns and adjectives. For example, use "Australians" instead of "Australian" when referring to people.
- Punctuation and Capitalization: Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and periods, and ensure proper capitalization of proper nouns (e.g., "Asia" instead of "asia").
- Proofreading: After writing, take time to proofread the essay to catch and correct errors before submission. This can help reduce the frequency of mistakes and improve overall clarity.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given line graph illustrates the percentage of Australians who were born in different regions of the world.
In general, the percentage of Australian people born abroad fluctuated significantly over the measured period. Additionally, while the percentage of Australians born in Asia rose over the period, the percentage born in the UK declined steadily.
To begin with, the figure for Australians born in Asia and in other countries started at around 3 percent and 12 percent in 1976, respectively. The percentage of Australians born in Asia increased to nearly 8 percent in 2001 before rising significantly to 15 percent in 2011. In contrast, the proportion of Australians born in other places dropped to 6 percent in 1986; after this, the ratio climbed sharply to approximately 13 percent in 2011.
However, the percentage of Australians born in the UK gradually plummeted each year, from almost 13 percent in 1976 to 5 percent in 2011. Furthermore, the total percentage of Australians born abroad fluctuated over the 35-year period, beginning at around 29 percent in 1976, decreasing to 21 percent in 2001, and consequently peaking at 25 percent in 2011.
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