The chart below shows the percentage of female members of parliament in 5 European countries from 2000 to 2012.

The pictorial line graph illustrates the percentage of females elected in parliament in 5 European countries between 2000 and 2012.
Overall, there was an increase in the share of female members in parliament in all 5 countries mentioned, with the UK witnessing the most dramatic rise. Despite this, it consistently had the lowest figures throughout the period.
The proportion of positions in parliament held by women in Germany started at about 34%, after which it saw a gradual rise to 36% in 2012. Similar changes, but to greater extent were seen in the figure for Italy and the UK, which grew from just over 26% to almost 40% and from 4% to around 27% respectively.
25% of members in France’s parliament were women, with a subsequent jump to reach a peak at around 37% by 2004 and final increase from 30% in 2008 to 32 % in 2012. Meanwhile, the figure for Belgium rose from 17 % in 2000 and to 28% in 2004 and levelled off towards the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pictorial line graph" -> "The line graph illustration"
Explanation: "The pictorial line graph" is redundant and less precise. "The line graph illustration" is more concise and academically appropriate, clearly indicating the type of visual representation.
"percentage of females elected" -> "percentage of female representation"
Explanation: "Percentage of females elected" is somewhat awkward and informal. "Percentage of female representation" is more formal and precise, focusing on the proportion of women in parliament.
"there was an increase" -> "there was a significant increase"
Explanation: Adding "significant" emphasizes the magnitude of the change, enhancing the academic tone by providing a clearer, more formal description.
"the most dramatic rise" -> "the most substantial increase"
Explanation: "Dramatic" can be seen as informal and emotive in academic writing. "Substantial" is a more neutral and precise term that maintains formality.
"positions in parliament held by women" -> "female representation in parliament"
Explanation: "Positions in parliament held by women" is verbose and slightly informal. "Female representation in parliament" is more concise and formal.
"Similar changes, but to greater extent" -> "Similar trends, albeit to a greater extent"
Explanation: "Similar changes" is vague and lacks a precise connector. "Similar trends" is more specific and "albeit" is a formal connector that enhances the academic tone.
"just over 26%" -> "approximately 26%"
Explanation: "Just over" is colloquial and less precise. "Approximately" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"a subsequent jump" -> "a subsequent increase"
Explanation: "Jump" is informal and can imply suddenness, which may not be accurate in this context. "Increase" is more neutral and appropriate for describing gradual changes.
"a peak at around 37%" -> "a peak of approximately 37%"
Explanation: "At around" is informal and less precise. "Of approximately" is more formal and fits better in academic writing.
"final increase from 30% in 2008 to 32 % in 2012" -> "final increase from 30% in 2008 to 32% in 2012"
Explanation: The extra space before the percent sign is a typographical error and should be removed for correctness.
"levelled off towards the end of the period" -> "remained steady towards the end of the period"
Explanation: "Levelled off" is less formal and slightly ambiguous. "Remained steady" is clearer and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, which is that the percentage of female members of parliament increased in all five countries. It also highlights the key features of the data, such as the fact that the UK had the lowest figures throughout the period and that Belgium’s figures levelled off towards the end of the period. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some of the details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the UK witnessed the most dramatic rise, but this is not supported by the data. The UK’s rise was significant, but it was not the most dramatic.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends and key features. For example, the essay could state that the UK’s percentage of female members of parliament increased by 23% between 2000 and 2012, while Germany’s percentage increased by only 2%. The essay could also provide more accurate information about the trends, such as stating that Belgium’s figures levelled off after 2004, rather than towards the end of the period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The author effectively describes trends in the data and provides comparisons among the countries. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the figure for Belgium" could be improved by explicitly referring back to the country name to enhance clarity. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it could be more logically structured to improve the flow of ideas.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the clarity and variety of cohesive devices used. This includes ensuring that references to countries are clear and consistent throughout the essay. Improving the logical flow of paragraphs by grouping similar ideas together and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic would also help. Lastly, varying sentence structures and using more sophisticated linking words could enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the share of female members in parliament" which could be more precisely stated as "the proportion of female members of parliament." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "final increase" which should be "a final increase." These errors do not significantly impede communication but do indicate a lack of precision and control over lexical features.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate synonyms and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, practicing the use of less common lexical items in context can help improve fluency and flexibility. Finally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will contribute to a more polished essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, although there are a few errors present. For instance, the phrase "but to greater extent" should include "a" before "greater." Additionally, the sentence "the figure for Belgium rose from 17 % in 2000 and to 28% in 2004" contains an unnecessary "and." Overall, the grammatical range is effective, but the presence of a few errors prevents a higher score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on eliminating minor errors and enhancing the complexity of sentence structures. Practicing more complex sentence forms and ensuring that all grammatical rules are consistently applied will help improve accuracy. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation and minor grammatical slips can further enhance the overall quality of the writing.
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Bài sửa mẫu

The pictorial line graph illustrates the percentage of females elected to parliament in five European countries between 2000 and 2012. Overall, there was an increase in the share of female members in parliament in all five countries mentioned, with the UK witnessing the most dramatic rise. Despite this, it consistently had the lowest figures throughout the period.

The proportion of positions in parliament held by women in Germany started at about 34%, after which it saw a gradual rise to 36% in 2012. Similar changes, but to a greater extent, were observed in the figures for Italy and the UK, which grew from just over 26% to almost 40% and from 4% to around 27% respectively.

In France, 25% of members in parliament were women, with a subsequent jump to a peak of around 37% by 2004, followed by a final increase from 30% in 2008 to 32% in 2012. Meanwhile, the figure for Belgium rose from 17% in 2000 to 28% in 2004 and levelled off towards the end of the period.