The chart below shows the percentage of female members of parliament in 5 European countries from 2000 to 2012

The line chart illustrates how many female members of parliament in five different European nations from 2000 to 2012.
Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of women serving as members of parliament in these five countries, with the UK witnessing the most dramatic rise. However, the percentage of British female parliamentarians remained lowest throughout the period shown.
German female legislative representation stayed stable at around 35% over the 12-year period. Conversely, the figures for Italy started at 27%, followed by a significant increase to 33% in 2008, overtaking Germany in 2010 and reaching approximately 40%. The opposite change can be seen in the figures for France, which rose from 25% to over 30%, after fluctuating during 12 years.
The proportion of female members of parliament in the UK started at 4%, after which it experienced a growth to 28% in 2012. Belgium had about 18% female representation in parliament in the 2000s, with a subsequent decrease to 28% in 2004. While the figure for Belgium remained stable at under 30% for the next four years, it decreased slightly to 26% before the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"female members of parliament" -> "women parliamentarians"
Explanation: "Female members of parliament" is clear but lacks sophistication. "Women parliamentarians" is a more concise and formal term that enhances the professional tone of the essay.
"witnessing" -> "experiencing"
Explanation: "Witnessing" is somewhat informal in this context. "Experiencing" maintains clarity while elevating the vocabulary choice.
"female parliamentarians" -> "women legislators"
Explanation: "Female parliamentarians" is acceptable, but "women legislators" adds variety to the language and sounds more formal.
"started at" -> "commenced at"
Explanation: "Started at" is plain and could be replaced with a more sophisticated term like "commenced at," which adds a touch of formality to the description.
"fluctuating during 12 years" -> "fluctuating over the 12-year period"
Explanation: "Fluctuating during 12 years" is awkward phrasing. "Fluctuating over the 12-year period" is clearer and more grammatically correct.
"started at" -> "commenced at"
Explanation: Similar to point 4, "started at" can be replaced with "commenced at" for a more formal tone and variety in vocabulary.
"about" -> "approximately"
Explanation: "About" is casual; "approximately" is more precise and fitting for an academic context.
"subsequent decrease" -> "subsequent decline"
Explanation: "Decrease" is suitable, but "decline" is slightly more formal and precise.
"stable at under 30%" -> "remained consistently below 30%"
Explanation: "Stable at under 30%" is somewhat ambiguous. "Remained consistently below 30%" clarifies the duration and extent of stability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the percentage of female members of parliament in five European countries from 2000 to 2012. It highlights key features such as the overall increase in female representation and specific changes in each country. The trends are presented clearly, with appropriate data provided for each country over the specified time period.

How to improve:
To improve, consider providing more detailed analysis or interpretation of the data to fully extend the discussion of key features. Additionally, ensure that the information presented is accurate and relevant, avoiding any potential inaccuracies or irrelevant details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay is generally well-organized, with clear progression of ideas and a logical structure. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, and the information flows logically from one point to the next. The essay uses a range of cohesive devices, such as "overall," "conversely," and "however," to connect different ideas. However, there is some inconsistency in cohesion. For example, certain transitions could be smoother, and the reference to "UK" and "Britain" could be clearer to maintain continuity. Additionally, the paragraphing is appropriate, but the cohesion within and between some sections may be slightly mechanical.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, consider refining the use of cohesive devices for a smoother transition between points. Ensure that referencing is clear and consistent throughout the essay to avoid confusion. It would be helpful to use a variety of cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs naturally, without overusing certain terms. Additionally, make sure paragraphing is not only appropriate but also helps to emphasize key transitions and groupings of ideas for greater coherence.
]

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. It effectively uses less common lexical items such as "legislative representation," "proportion," and "parliamentarians." There is awareness of style and collocation, as evidenced by phrases like "female members of parliament" and "female legislative representation." While occasional errors in word choice and spelling occur, they do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource further, aim for more varied and nuanced vocabulary choices. Additionally, pay closer attention to accuracy in word choice and spelling to minimize occasional errors. Consider integrating more sophisticated transitional phrases and idiomatic expressions where appropriate to elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy, falling within the Band 7 descriptor. The writer employs a variety of complex structures, such as using subordinate clauses and compound sentences effectively. There is evidence of sentence variety, including both simple and complex structures, contributing to the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing a good level of control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and slight inaccuracies, such as "how many female members of parliament" which could be revised to "the percentage of female members of parliament," and "overtaking Germany in 2010 and reaching approximately 40%" which could be made clearer for precision. These errors, although infrequent, slightly affect the fluency and precision of the language.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy further, focus on enhancing precision in sentence construction. Double-check for any minor errors or inaccuracies that could be clarified or rephrased for better coherence and precision. Additionally, pay attention to transitional phrases to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and improve overall cohesion. Keep practicing complex sentence structures to maintain a high level of grammatical control and fluency in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the percentage of female members of parliament in five European nations from 2000 to 2012.

Overall, there was an upward trend in female parliamentary representation in these countries, with the UK experiencing the most notable increase. However, the proportion of female parliamentarians in the UK remained consistently lower compared to the other nations throughout the period.

In Germany, the percentage of female legislators remained relatively stable at around 35% over the 12-year span. Conversely, Italy saw a notable rise from 27% in 2000 to approximately 40% in 2012, surpassing Germany in 2010. France also witnessed an increase from 25% to over 30% during the same period, although there were fluctuations in between.

Starting at a mere 4% in 2000, the UK experienced a substantial growth in female parliamentary representation, reaching 28% by 2012. Belgium began the period with around 18% female representation, which decreased to 28% in 2004. Although Belgium’s figure remained below 30% for the subsequent years, it saw a slight decrease to 26% by the end of the period.