The chart below shows the proportion of people in Canada who adhered to the recommended daily water intake in 2002, 2006 and 2010.

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Canada people who consumed the suggested amount of water on a daily basis in 2002, 2006 and 2010.

Overall, it can be seen that Canadian women’s consumption of water in 3 years was much higher than the two remaining groups. In addition, the number of Canadians who consumed water every day saw an upward trend during the whole period.

In 2002, the proportion of men in Canada who intake the recommended amount of water each day was 22% before rising to 28% 4 years later. After that, the figure decreased slightly to 24% in 2010. Regarding children, their consumption witnessed the lowest at only 11% at the beginning, and then it grew by 5% in 2006 before declining to 14% at the end of the period.

Women’s daily consumption of water experienced the highest figure, with 25% in 2002 and then it reached a peak at 32% in 2006. In the next 4 years, the percentage of people in Canada who drink the suggested amount of water everyday dropped by 5%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Canada people" -> "the Canadian population"
Explanation: "Canada people" is informal and vague. "The Canadian population" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context, referring to the collective group of individuals in Canada.
"consumed the suggested amount of water" -> "consumed the recommended amount of water"
Explanation: "Suggested" is less formal and can imply a non-binding recommendation. "Recommended" is more formal and commonly used in academic writing to describe guidelines or standards.
"on a daily basis" -> "daily"
Explanation: "On a daily basis" is redundant with "daily." Simplifying to "daily" maintains clarity and conciseness while adhering to formal academic style.
"Canadian women’s consumption" -> "the consumption of Canadian women"
Explanation: Reordering to "the consumption of Canadian women" clarifies the subject-verb agreement and improves the flow of the sentence.
"the number of Canadians who consumed water every day" -> "the proportion of Canadians who consumed water daily"
Explanation: "The number of Canadians" is less precise than "the proportion of Canadians," which better describes the data being presented, which is likely a percentage.
"intake the recommended amount of water each day" -> "consumed the recommended amount of water daily"
Explanation: Replacing "intake" with "consumed" corrects the verb tense to match the context, and "daily" is used instead of "each day" for conciseness and formality.
"was 22%" -> "was 22 percent"
Explanation: Adding "percent" after the number enhances clarity and formality, aligning with academic standards.
"rose to 28%" -> "increased to 28 percent"
Explanation: "Rose" is less formal and can be vague; "increased" is more precise and formal.
"the figure decreased slightly to 24%" -> "the percentage decreased slightly to 24 percent"
Explanation: Adding "percentage" clarifies that the decrease refers to the proportion, and "percent" is used correctly after a noun.
"Regarding children" -> "Regarding child"
Explanation: "Children" is plural, but the context suggests a singular subject, so "child" is more accurate.
"their consumption witnessed the lowest" -> "their consumption was lowest"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is an incorrect usage here; "was lowest" correctly describes the state of the consumption.
"everyday" -> "daily"
Explanation: "Everyday" is an adverbial form, whereas "daily" is the adjective form needed here to modify "the suggested amount of water."
"the percentage of people in Canada who drink the suggested amount of water everyday" -> "the percentage of Canadians who consumed the recommended amount of water daily"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to match the context and uses "Canadians" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, but it does not fully develop the response. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the proportion of men who consumed the recommended amount of water each day decreased slightly to 24% in 2010, but the chart shows that it increased to 24%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends in the chart. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of women who consumed the recommended amount of water each day increased by 7% between 2002 and 2006. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details. For example, the essay could avoid stating that the proportion of men who consumed the recommended amount of water each day decreased slightly to 24% in 2010, as this is not accurate.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while the ideas are arranged logically, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in the writing. For example, phrases like "In addition" and "Regarding" are used, but they do not always enhance the connection between ideas effectively. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better clarity, particularly in distinguishing between the different groups discussed.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer could vary the use of cohesive devices and ensure that transitions between ideas are smoother. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph relate directly to that topic would help. More effective referencing and substitution of terms (e.g., using synonyms or pronouns) could also reduce repetition and improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It employs terms like "proportion," "consumed," and "upward trend," which are relevant to the topic. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice, such as "Canada people" instead of "Canadians," and some awkward phrasing, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, errors in spelling (e.g., "intake" instead of "intakes") and word formation are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of less common vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in word choice and collocation. More sophisticated expressions and varied sentence structures would enhance the essay’s lexical resource. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors would further improve clarity and precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there is some variety in sentence structure, the essay contains several grammatical errors, such as "the percentage of Canada people" instead of "the percentage of Canadians" and "intake" instead of "intakes." These errors do not significantly hinder communication but doindicate a lack of full control over grammatical accuracy. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas, which can affect clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Grammatical Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word choice.
Complex Sentence Structures: Incorporate more complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to enhance clarity and readability.
Variety in Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Canadians who adhered to the recommended daily water intake in 2002, 2006, and 2010.

Overall, it is evident that Canadian women’s water consumption over the three years was significantly higher than that of the other two groups. Additionally, the proportion of Canadians consuming the recommended amount of water daily exhibited an upward trend throughout the entire period.

In 2002, the proportion of men in Canada who consumed the recommended daily water intake was 22%, rising to 28% four years later. However, this figure decreased slightly to 24% in 2010. In terms of children, their consumption was the lowest, starting at only 11% initially, then increasing by 5% in 2006 before declining to 14% by the end of the period.

Women’s daily water consumption recorded the highest figures, beginning at 25% in 2002 and peaking at 32% in 2006. In the subsequent four years, the percentage of Canadian women drinking the suggested amount of water every day fell by 5%.