The chart below shows the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.

The chart below shows the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.

The provided pie charts delineate the distribution of various factor to joyful in terms of people under 30 and a group of others.

Overall, it is evident that achievement at work holds the predominant share of elements lead to happiness of everyone. Whereas in group of people under 30, other mediums such as travelling exhibit a significantly lower proportion. Conversely, in group of those over 30, spending time with family yields the lowest proportion of contentment.

In group of people who under 30, achievement at work and doing hobbies platforms collectively constitute approximately a half of joyfully existing, with success in the workplace commanding the larger share at a third, followed by favourite activities at 22%. Having a good appearance, on the other hand, represents a mere 18% of total happiness, while travelling trails closely behind at 15%.

Turning to people in another age group, success on the job platform dominate the happy lanscape, accouting for 32%, slightly similar to this figure in those under 30. Doing hobbies follows with a 24% share, while financial security lags considerably behind at a fifth. Other factors contributing to satisfaction of people in older age groups collectively represent a modest 24% of the total, with being gather family accounting for over half of this share.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"delineate" -> "depict"
Explanation: "Delineate" is a formal word that may not be commonly used in everyday language. "Depict" is a more straightforward and commonly understood term to describe the presentation of information in charts.
"factor to joyful" -> "factors contributing to happiness"
Explanation: "Factor to joyful" is an awkward and incorrect phrase. "Factors contributing to happiness" is a more accurate and natural way to express the idea.
"elements lead to happiness of everyone" -> "factors that contribute to overall happiness"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkward. By using "factors that contribute to overall happiness," the sentence becomes more precise and easier to understand.
"exhibit a significantly lower proportion" -> "show a considerably smaller percentage"
Explanation: "Exhibit a significantly lower proportion" is wordy and can be simplified. "Show a considerably smaller percentage" conveys the same meaning more concisely.
"yield the lowest proportion of contentment" -> "contribute the least to satisfaction"
Explanation: "Yield the lowest proportion of contentment" is a bit formal and awkward. "Contribute the least to satisfaction" is a clearer and more natural way to express the idea.
"platforms" -> "activities"
Explanation: In this context, "platforms" is not the most suitable term. "Activities" is a more appropriate and commonly used word to describe the actions or hobbies that contribute to happiness.
"happy lanscape" -> "landscape of happiness"
Explanation: "Happy landscape" is an unusual and incorrect term. "Landscape of happiness" is a more accurate and clearer way to describe the distribution of factors contributing to happiness.
"accouting" -> "accounting"
Explanation: "Accouting" is a misspelling. The correct term is "accounting" in this context to indicate the calculation or representation of percentages.
"being gather family" -> "being with family"
Explanation: "Being gather family" is grammatically incorrect. "Being with family" is the correct phrase to convey the idea of spending time with loved ones.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the survey results for different age groups. It presents a clear overview of the main trends in happiness factors for both age groups. The key features, such as achievement at work, hobbies, and spending time with family, are highlighted and compared between the two age groups.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more detailed comparisons between the two age groups and extend the analysis of the data further. Additionally, ensuring a smoother transition between the different points discussed would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The essay attempts to summarize the main features of the survey results, but the progression from one point to another is not always clear. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some repetitive phrases and lack of clear referencing. The essay also lacks clear paragraphing, making it difficult to follow the flow of ideas.

How to improve: To improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, focus on creating a clear and logical progression of ideas. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to connect different parts of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and follows a logical order. Additionally, avoid repetitive language and make sure to reference back to the main topic of the essay throughout. Finally, use paragraphing effectively to separate different ideas and improve the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. The writer uses a variety of words to discuss the different factors contributing to happiness in different age groups. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, which affect the overall sophistication of the lexical resource. Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling that do not impede communication but could be improved.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and accurate vocabulary choices. They should aim to use less common lexical items more skillfully and pay attention to word formation and spelling to enhance the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary used and ensuring proper collocation can help elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay effectively summarizes the information presented in the charts and makes comparisons between different age groups. However, there are noticeable errors in sentence structure and grammar that may slightly hinder communication.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation. Proofreading the essay carefully to catch and correct errors will also help improve the overall accuracy of the writing. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentence structures can elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts illustrate the distribution of factors contributing to happiness among individuals under 30 and those in older age groups.

Overall, it is clear that achieving success at work is the primary factor leading to happiness for both age groups. However, there are notable differences in the importance placed on other factors. In the under 30 group, activities such as traveling play a minor role in comparison to work achievements. On the other hand, spending time with family is the least significant contributor to happiness for individuals over 30.

For individuals under 30, work achievements and engaging in hobbies together account for approximately half of their happiness. Work success takes the lead with a third of the share, followed by hobbies at 22%. Factors like appearance and traveling have less impact, with appearance contributing 18% and traveling 15% to overall happiness.

In contrast, individuals in older age groups place a similar emphasis on work success, with 32% attributing their happiness to achievements in the workplace. Hobbies follow closely behind with a 24% share, while financial security lags behind at 20%. Other factors, including spending time with family, make up a modest 24% of total happiness for this age group.