The chart below shows the unemployment rate and the number of people leaving Ireland from 1988 to 2008.

The graph illustrates the percentage of unemployment and the quantity of resident in Ireland from 1988 to 2008.
Overall, not only the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce but also the population in Ireland decreased slightly over the research period.
Relating to unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then had a rapid decline by 4% in 1990. In addition this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992. After that there was a significant fall to relatively 5%. Then at 5 final years this rate had a bit rise to 6%.
There were nearly 60 thousand people leaved in Ireland in 1988. Then at next 2 years this number fall to approximate 35 thousand and had a slightly growth in 1994. After that from 1994 to 2002 the quantity gradually slumped to about 25 thousand but then it have steadily growth up to 50 thousand resident.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates" -> "The graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, particularly when referring to visual representations like graphs.
"not only the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce" -> "not only did the unemployment rate experience a significant reduction"
Explanation: "Did" corrects the grammatical error, and "experience a reduction" is more precise and formal than "had a reduce," which is incorrect and awkward.
"the population in Ireland decreased slightly" -> "the population in Ireland decreased marginally"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise and formal term than "slightly" in academic writing, emphasizing the extent of the change.
"Relating to unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then had a rapid decline by 4% in 1990." -> "Regarding unemployment, the rate began at approximately 17% in 1988, subsequently decreasing by 4% in 1990."
Explanation: "Regarding" is more formal than "Relating to," and "began at approximately" and "subsequently decreasing" provide a clearer and more formal structure than "started at around then had a rapid decline."
"In addition this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992." -> "Furthermore, this proportion surged to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992."
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "In addition," and "surged" is a more precise verb than "climbed" in describing sudden changes.
"Then at 5 final years this rate had a bit rise to 6%." -> "Over the final five years, this rate experienced a slight increase to 6%."
Explanation: "Over the final five years" corrects the awkward and unclear "Then at 5 final years," and "experienced a slight increase" is more formal and precise than "had a bit rise."
"There were nearly 60 thousand people leaved in Ireland in 1988." -> "Approximately 60,000 people resided in Ireland in 1988."
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise than "nearly," and "resided" is the correct verb for describing population figures, replacing the incorrect "leaved."
"Then at next 2 years this number fall to approximate 35 thousand and had a slightly growth in 1994." -> "Subsequently, this number fell to approximately 35,000 and experienced a slight growth in 1994."
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "Then at next," and "fell" corrects the verb form, and "experienced a slight growth" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"After that from 1994 to 2002 the quantity gradually slumped to about 25 thousand but then it have steadily growth up to 50 thousand resident." -> "After that, the quantity gradually decreased to approximately 25,000, but then it steadily increased to 50,000 residents."
Explanation: "Decreased" corrects the verb form, and "increased" is the correct term for the upward trend, replacing the awkward and incorrect "have steadily growth up." "Residents" should be plural to match the context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that "the quantity gradually slumped to about 25 thousand" but does not provide any specific years for this slump.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "the unemployment rate fell from 17% in 1988 to 5% in 1997" and "the number of people leaving Ireland fell from 60,000 in 1988 to 25,000 in 2002". The essay could also be improved by using more accurate language. For example, the essay could use the word "decreased" instead of "reduce" and "increased" instead of "growth".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to discuss both unemployment rates and population changes, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which hinders the flow of information. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the ideas could be better structured to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information with clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring they connect ideas logically will improve the flow. Additionally, maintaining consistent referencing and avoiding repetitive phrases will help create a more cohesive narrative. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are used effectively to separate distinct ideas will contribute to a clearer overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the data presented in the chart, the vocabulary used is often basic and repetitive, with noticeable errors in word choice and collocation. For example, phrases like "the unemployment’s ratio" and "the quantity of resident" are awkward and not idiomatic. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "leaved" instead of "left" and "have steadily growth" instead of "has steadily grown," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource is insufficient to convey precise meanings effectively.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and less common lexical items. It would be beneficial to practice using idiomatic expressions and collocations correctly. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy in word forms and ensuring that spelling is correct will help improve clarity. Reading more academic texts or sample essays can also provide exposure to varied vocabulary and phrasing that can be applied in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce" and "the quantity of resident" indicate a lack of grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the use of "leaved" instead of "left" and "have steadily growth" instead of "has steadily grown" further detracts from clarity and correctness.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Practicing the correct forms of verbs and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also help. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors and punctuation issues can improve overall clarity and coherence in writing. Engaging with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work may further aid in developing these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the percentage of unemployment and the number of residents leaving Ireland from 1988 to 2008. Overall, not only did the unemployment rate experience a significant reduction, but the population in Ireland also decreased slightly over the research period.

Regarding unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then underwent a rapid decline of 4% by 1990. In addition, this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992. After that, there was a significant fall to approximately 5%. In the final five years, this rate experienced a slight rise to 6%.

There were nearly 60,000 people leaving Ireland in 1988. Then, in the next two years, this number fell to approximately 35,000, followed by a slight increase in 1994. After that, from 1994 to 2002, the number gradually slumped to about 25,000, but then it steadily grew to 50,000 residents.