The chart shows the percentage of females aged 16-25 in a particular country who participated in sports, compared to those who watched sports, in 2000

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of females aged 16-25 played, compared to those who watched 6 kinds of sport ( tennis, gymnastics, basketball, badminton, golf and horse riding) in a country in 2000

Overall, the figure for female watching overshadow that of participating in the given period and the sport with the most significant difference between two activities was tennis. The percentage of females who watched tennis towered at the apex while participating demonstrated a penchant for basketball. Furthermore, both activities least preferred horse riding

There were four sports which females watched more than were involved in. While 60% females watched tennis, the proportion of those who played sports was considerably lower. With regard to basketball, the figure for females who watched that sport was compared to 50% who participated. Similarly, more females watched gymnastics than those participating.
The difference, in terms of horse riding, was minimal significant with only about 2% more females watched that sport than who involve in

On the other hand, More females took part in the two remaining sports which both showed a difference between those who watched. As many as 30% females participated golf in comparison to 11% girls for badminton

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data, aligning better with academic style.
"played, compared to those who watched" -> "participated, compared to those who watched"
Explanation: "Participated" is more specific and appropriate for describing involvement in sports, whereas "played" could be ambiguous in this context.
"overshadow" -> "exceed"
Explanation: "Overshadow" typically implies being hidden or surpassed, which is not the intended meaning here. "Exceed" accurately conveys that one figure is higher than the other.
"towered at the apex" -> "reached its peak"
Explanation: "Reached its peak" is a more natural and precise way to describe the highest point, avoiding the metaphorical and somewhat informal "towered."
"demonstrated a penchant for" -> "showed a preference for"
Explanation: "Showed a preference for" is more direct and academically appropriate than "demonstrated a penchant for," which can sound overly formal and slightly vague.
"both activities least preferred horse riding" -> "both activities least preferred horse riding"
Explanation: This correction is for grammatical accuracy; the phrase should be "least preferred horse riding" instead of "least preferred horse riding" to maintain parallel structure.
"watched more than were involved in" -> "watched more than participated in"
Explanation: "Participated in" is more specific and appropriate for describing involvement in sports, replacing the less precise "were involved in."
"the figure for females who watched tennis towered at the apex" -> "the percentage of females watching tennis reached its peak"
Explanation: "Reached its peak" is a clearer and more formal way to describe achieving the highest point, replacing the metaphorical "towered at the apex."
"the proportion of those who played sports was considerably lower" -> "the proportion of those participating in sports was significantly lower"
Explanation: "Participating in sports" clarifies the activity, and "significantly" is preferred over "considerably" for academic writing due to its more formal tone.
"the figure for females who watched that sport was compared to 50% who participated" -> "the percentage of females watching that sport was compared to 50% who participated"
Explanation: This correction ensures parallel structure and maintains the formal tone.
"minimal significant" -> "minimal"
Explanation: "Minimal" is sufficient on its own to convey the small difference, eliminating the redundancy of "minimal significant."
"who involve in" -> "who were involved in"
Explanation: "Were involved in" corrects the grammatical error and provides the necessary verb form for the passive construction.
"More females took part in" -> "More females participated in"
Explanation: "Participated in" is more direct and appropriate for describing involvement in sports, replacing the less formal "took part in."
"participated golf" -> "participated in golf"
Explanation: Adding "in" after "participated" corrects the prepositional error, aligning with the correct usage in this context.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the key features of the chart. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the difference, in terms of horse riding, was minimal significant with only about 2% more females watched that sport than who involve in". This is inaccurate, as the difference is actually about 4%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features of the chart. For example, the essay could discuss the specific percentage differences between watching and participating in each sport. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the writer attempts to compare the percentages of females participating in sports versus watching them, the flow of ideas is inconsistent, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument clearly. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, leading to some confusion in the connections between sentences and ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as some paragraphs do not clearly separate different ideas or comparisons.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear, distinct paragraphs that each cover a specific aspect of the data. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, can help clarify relationships between ideas. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically progresses from one to the next will also improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more coherent presentation of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "overshadow," "apex," and "penchant," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the figure for female watching overshadow that of participating" which should be "the figure for females watching overshadowed that of those participating." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "minimal significant," which should be "minimally significant." While these errors do not impede overall communication, they detract from the clarity and precision expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and accuracy. This includes practicing the correct forms of words and ensuring that collocations are appropriate. Additionally, minimizing spelling errors and refining word choice will contribute to a more sophisticated lexical range. Reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can also help in developing a more varied vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in sentence construction and punctuation, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the figure for female watching overshadow that of participating" and "the difference, in terms of horse riding, was minimal significant" showcase issues with subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing. The use of "more females took part in the two remaining sports which both showed a difference between those who watched" is also unclear and poorly structured. Overall, while the essay communicates its main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
Focus on Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number and tense to avoid confusion.
Clarify Ideas: Rephrase awkward or unclear sentences to improve readability and coherence. For example, instead of "the difference, in terms of horse riding, was minimal significant," consider "the difference in participation rates for horse riding was minimal, with only about 2% more females watching than participating."
Proofread for Errors: Take time to review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission to minimize mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of females aged 16-25 who participated in sports, compared to those who watched six kinds of sports (tennis, gymnastics, basketball, badminton, golf, and horse riding) in a country in 2000.

Overall, the figure for females watching overshadowed that of participating in the given period, and the sport with the most significant difference between the two activities was tennis. The percentage of females who watched tennis peaked at the highest point, while participation showed a preference for basketball. Furthermore, both activities were least preferred in horse riding.

There were four sports in which females watched more than participated. While 60% of females watched tennis, the proportion of those who played was considerably lower. With regard to basketball, the figure for females who watched that sport was compared to 50% who participated. Similarly, more females watched gymnastics than those who participated. The difference in terms of horse riding was minimally significant, with only about 2% more females watching that sport than those who were involved.

On the other hand, more females took part in the two remaining sports, which both showed a difference in comparison to those who watched. As many as 30% of females participated in golf, in comparison to 11% of girls who played badminton.