The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The chart illustrates the data on the main purposes of using mobile phones among teenagers in a particular country from 2016 to 2019.
Overall, the proportion of making phone calls and using email decreased while the other functions witnessed an opposite trend. Notably, the majority of adolescents used their phones for social communication.
In 2016, half of surveyed teenagers stated that they used their phones for social media. This was followed by the figure for the usage of email and camera, accounting for 25% and 15% respectively. There was only 10% of adolescents used mobile phones for calling.
After 3 years, the percentage of social networks slightly increased to 56%, almost three times higher than the figure for digital cameras. Meanwhile, sending emails marginally dropped throughout the period, and stood at 19% in the final year. Finally, the proportion of making phone calls was the least popular choice, halving the initial figure (5%).

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"the chart illustrates the data" -> "the chart depicts the data"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a common word, but "depicts" adds a more sophisticated tone, indicating a deeper understanding of the data being presented.
"the proportion of making phone calls" -> "the proportion of phone calls"
Explanation: Removing "making" simplifies the phrase without changing its meaning, making it more concise.
"while the other functions witnessed an opposite trend" -> "while the other functions experienced an inverse trend"
Explanation: "Witnessed an opposite trend" is somewhat awkward. "Experienced an inverse trend" conveys the same meaning more elegantly.
"Notably, the majority of adolescents used their phones for social communication." -> "Notably, the predominant use of phones among adolescents was for social communication."
Explanation: Replacing "used their phones for" with "use of phones among adolescents was for" provides a more formal and precise description.
"stated that they used their phones" -> "indicated they utilized their phones"
Explanation: "Stated that they used" is straightforward but substituting with "indicated they utilized" adds variety and sophistication to the language.
"This was followed by the figure for the usage of email and camera" -> "This was followed by the figures for email and camera usage"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "figures for email and camera usage" enhances clarity and maintains parallelism.
"There was only 10% of adolescents used mobile phones" -> "Only 10% of adolescents used mobile phones"
Explanation: Removing "there was" streamlines the sentence without altering its meaning.
"the percentage of social networks slightly increased" -> "the percentage of social networking slightly increased"
Explanation: Using "social networking" instead of "social networks" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"almost three times higher than the figure for digital cameras" -> "nearly three times greater than the figure for digital cameras"
Explanation: "Higher" is appropriate, but "greater" adds a touch of formality. Replacing "than" with "greater than" strengthens the comparison.
"sending emails marginally dropped" -> "the proportion of email sending marginally dropped"
Explanation: Adding "the proportion of" clarifies the specific aspect of email usage that decreased.
"the proportion of making phone calls" -> "the proportion of phone call usage"
Explanation: Using "phone call usage" instead of "making phone calls" maintains clarity and is more concise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay effectively covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the data and making relevant comparisons over the specified time period. It presents a clear overview of the main trends in phone usage among teenagers, highlighting the shifts in preferences for different functions such as social media, email, and phone calls.
How to improve: To enhance the response and potentially reach a higher band score, the essay could provide a more detailed analysis of the data, such as discussing any significant fluctuations or patterns within each category of phone usage. Additionally, ensuring that the language is precise and concise would further strengthen the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data, starting with an overview and then detailing the changes over the years. The essay effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transitional phrases like "Overall," and "After 3 years," ensuring smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. The central topic of each paragraph is clearly presented, addressing different aspects of mobile phone usage among teenagers.
How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to vary sentence structures and improve fluidity. Additionally, ensure that referencing within and between sentences is clear and consistent. Lastly, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure logical organization and coherence within each paragraph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the main features of the data. The writer employs a variety of vocabulary related to mobile phone usage, such as "proportion," "witnessed an opposite trend," "notably," "adolescents," "surveys," "marginally," and "proportion," among others. There is also some attempt to use less common lexical items, like "surveys," "marginal," and "adolescents." The writer also displays awareness of style and collocation, evident in phrases like "the proportion of making phone calls" and "usage of email." Although there are occasional minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "proportion of making phone calls" instead of "proportion of phone calls," these do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, the writer can incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions, particularly when describing trends or making comparisons. Additionally, paying closer attention to word choice and collocation can help reduce occasional errors and ensure a smoother flow of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence forms. There are instances of accurate use of grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. For example, "The chart illustrates the data on the main purposes of using mobile phones among teenagers in a particular country from 2016 to 2019" showcases complex sentence structure with accurate grammar. The essay also maintains good control over punctuation, with appropriate use of commas and full stops. However, there are a few minor errors and inconsistencies, such as missing articles ("the" or "a") in some places and occasional awkward phrasing ("Notably, the majority of adolescents used their phones for social communication").

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy further, focus on maintaining consistency in article usage (e.g., "the majority of adolescents" instead of "majority of adolescents") and refining sentence structures for clarity and precision. Proofreading for minor errors like missing articles and awkward phrasing can help enhance overall accuracy. Additionally, strive for more nuanced and sophisticated sentence structures to demonstrate full flexibility in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart delineates the utilization trends of mobile phones among teenagers in a specific African nation spanning the years 2016 to 2019. Broadly, there was a decline in the frequency of phone calls and email usage, while other functionalities experienced a contrasting upsurge. Notably, social communication emerged as the predominant purpose for phone usage.

In the initial year, 50% of surveyed adolescents reported employing their mobile phones for social media, surpassing other activities. Following this, email and camera usage accounted for 25% and 15%, respectively, with a mere 10% dedicated to making phone calls.

Three years hence, the prevalence of social networking increased marginally to 56%, nearly tripling the usage rate of digital cameras. Conversely, email correspondence observed a slight decrease over the period, stabilizing at 19% by the culmination of 2019. Remarkably, the utilization of phone calls dwindled significantly, halving from its initial representation to a mere 5%.