The charts below give information about children under 18 learning musical instruments in one region of the UK in 1996 and 2016. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie chart compares the proportion of young children who were under 18 years old learning musical instruments in a region of the UK from 1996 to 2016. At the same time, the bar chart illustrates different types of instruments chosen by these young learners.

Overall, learning how to play musical instruments was less common among the children from 1996 to 2006. Besides, there was an increase recorded in the proportions of students under 18 learning electric guitars, keyboards, while the opposite was true for the remaining instruments. Pianos and keyboards stood out from the chart as the mostly picked instruments by these young learners.

Learning a single musical instrument accounted for the majority of kids, with 56%, compared to 44% of those did not acquire this skill in 1996. However, there were significantly fewer children learning this hobby, with only 24%, while more than three thirds of the surveyed children did not study this skill after ten years.

In terms of choices of musical instruments, the figure for pianos ranked first, with 30% children choosing to learn it, as opposed to approximately 14% of violins, significantly higher than acoustic guitars and other kinds of musical instruments, at about 7% and 3%, respectively in 1996. Ten years laters, these instruments were becoming less common among the children with a slight decrease to about 27% for pianos, 10% for violins, and about 2.5% for acoustic guitars and other types.

The remaining categories showed a distinct pattern with keyboards experienced a substantial growth in choices, rising from around 21% in 1996 to 30% in 2006, surpassing pianos’ figure. Similarly, more children opted to learn electric guitars, rising by 5% to about 17% in 2006. In contrast, the percentage of kids learning at least two instruments at the same time remain stable, at about 13% in one decade.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"young children who were under 18 years old" -> "children under the age of 18"
Explanation: Simplifying "young children who were under 18 years old" to "children under the age of 18" streamlines the phrase and maintains a formal tone while avoiding redundancy.
"learning musical instruments was less common" -> "the practice of learning musical instruments was less prevalent"
Explanation: Replacing "learning musical instruments was less common" with "the practice of learning musical instruments was less prevalent" enhances the formality and specificity of the language, aligning better with academic style.
"Besides, there was an increase recorded" -> "Furthermore, there was a recorded increase"
Explanation: Changing "Besides, there was an increase recorded" to "Furthermore, there was a recorded increase" improves the flow and formality of the sentence, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"the mostly picked instruments" -> "the most commonly chosen instruments"
Explanation: Replacing "the mostly picked instruments" with "the most commonly chosen instruments" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone of the text.
"kids" -> "children"
Explanation: Replacing "kids" with "children" aligns with the formal tone expected in academic writing, avoiding colloquialisms.
"did not acquire this skill" -> "did not develop this skill"
Explanation: Changing "acquire this skill" to "develop this skill" provides a more precise and appropriate term for the context of learning musical instruments.
"more than three thirds" -> "over two-thirds"
Explanation: Replacing "more than three thirds" with "over two-thirds" corrects the mathematical inaccuracy and uses a more precise and formal expression.
"Ten years laters" -> "Ten years later"
Explanation: Correcting "Ten years laters" to "Ten years later" fixes a grammatical error and maintains the formal tone of the text.
"a slight decrease to about 27%" -> "a slight decrease to approximately 27%"
Explanation: Adding "approximately" before "27%" provides a more precise and formal quantification, enhancing the academic quality of the statement.
"surpassing pianos’ figure" -> "exceeding the proportion for pianos"
Explanation: Replacing "surpassing pianos’ figure" with "exceeding the proportion for pianos" refines the language to be more specific and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"the percentage of kids learning at least two instruments at the same time" -> "the proportion of children learning at least two instruments simultaneously"
Explanation: Replacing "the percentage of kids learning at least two instruments at the same time" with "the proportion of children learning at least two instruments simultaneously" uses more precise and formal language, aligning with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the data, including the overall trend of decreasing participation in musical instrument learning and the changing popularity of different instruments. The essay also makes some comparisons between the two years, but these are not always fully developed. For example, the essay states that "the figure for pianos ranked first, with 30% children choosing to learn it, as opposed to approximately 14% of violins, significantly higher than acoustic guitars and other kinds of musical instruments, at about 7% and 3%, respectively in 1996." This is a good start, but the essay could be more specific about the differences in popularity between the instruments. For example, it could say that the percentage of children learning piano was more than double the percentage of children learning violin.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific comparisons between the data points. For example, instead of saying that "the percentage of kids learning at least two instruments at the same time remain stable, at about 13% in one decade," the essay could say that the percentage of children learning two instruments remained at 13% in both 1996 and 2016. The essay could also be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why the popularity of certain instruments has changed over time.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the analysis of the charts. However, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, as some transitions feel mechanical or forced. While the essay does use paragraphing, it is not always logical, particularly in the way information is grouped, which can lead to some confusion for the reader. The referencing of instruments and percentages could also be clearer to enhance the flow of ideas.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates to a central topic. Additionally, the writer should aim for more clarity in referencing to avoid repetition and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the opposite was true for the remaining instruments" and "the mostly picked instruments," which could be phrased more naturally. There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "laters" instead of "later" and "the proportions of students under 18 learning electric guitars, keyboards," which lacks parallel structure. While these errors do not severely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and sophistication of the language used.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise word choices. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition and improve fluency. Additionally, paying attention to collocations and ensuring grammatical accuracy will strengthen the overall quality of the writing. Reading a variety of texts can also expose the writer to more sophisticated vocabulary and phrasing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder clarity, such as "the opposite was true for the remaining instruments" and "the mostly picked instruments." These errors do not completely obscure meaning but do detract from the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and awkward constructions. Increasing the variety of complex structures used, while ensuring they are correctly formed, would also help. Additionally, ensuring that all sentences are clear and free from ambiguity will improve the overall communication of ideas. Practicing writing with a focus on punctuation and sentence structure will contribute to better grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie chart compares the proportion of young children under 18 years old learning musical instruments in a region of the UK from 1996 to 2016. At the same time, the bar chart illustrates the different types of instruments chosen by these young learners.

Overall, learning to play musical instruments became less common among children from 1996 to 2016. Additionally, there was an increase in the proportions of students under 18 learning electric guitars and keyboards, while the opposite trend was observed for the remaining instruments. Pianos and keyboards stood out as the most popular instruments among these young learners.

Learning a single musical instrument accounted for the majority of children, with 56%, compared to 44% of those who did not acquire this skill in 1996. However, there was a significant decline in the number of children pursuing this hobby, with only 24% engaged in learning a single instrument, while more than three-quarters of the surveyed children did not study this skill after ten years.

In terms of instrument choices, the figure for pianos ranked first, with 30% of children opting to learn it, compared to approximately 14% for violins, which was significantly higher than the figures for acoustic guitars and other types of musical instruments, at about 7% and 3%, respectively, in 1996. Ten years later, these instruments became less common among children, with a slight decrease to about 27% for pianos, 10% for violins, and approximately 2.5% for acoustic guitars and other types.

The remaining categories exhibited a distinct pattern, with keyboards experiencing substantial growth in popularity, rising from around 21% in 1996 to 30% in 2016, surpassing the figure for pianos. Similarly, more children opted to learn electric guitars, with an increase of 5% to about 17% in 2016. In contrast, the percentage of children learning at least two instruments simultaneously remained stable at about 13% over the decade.