The charts below give information about the world's top three producers of four different dairy products in 2012
The line graph demonstrates the comparison of four different products's three main exporters in the world in the year 2012.
Overall, it is clear that the number of milk production was highest number compared to other dairy products, while the opposite was true for milk power. Another interesting point is that European Union was the leader in both milk and cheese production.
Regarding milk, the EU's production began at 142, 970 metric tons, exceeding India's production and United States by around 16, 000 metric tons and 53, 000 metric tons respectively. Regard to cheese, EU was still the leading producer and stood at 7, 120 metric tons, outstripped the 4,925 metric tons manufactured by United States and the 700 metric tons made by Brazil.
In addition, with an output of 4,500 metric tons, India was at the foremost in butter production, which was more than double the European Union’s output. Besides, the third position belonged to the United States, with 810 metric tons. In term of milk power , China's milk powder production reached 1,200 metric tons, a slightly higher output than that of New Zealand and the EU standing at 1,110 metric tons and 770 metric tons respectively.
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Errors and Improvements:
"four different products’s" -> "four different products’"
Explanation: The possessive form should be used correctly by placing the apostrophe after the "s" in "products" to indicate plural possession. The correct form is "four different products’."
"highest number compared to" -> "the highest among"
Explanation: Using "the highest among" instead of "highest number compared to" provides a more precise comparison and improves the flow of the sentence.
"milk power" -> "milk powder"
Explanation: "Milk powder" is the standard term, while "milk power" is not a commonly used expression. Substituting it with the correct term enhances the clarity of the statement.
"Regard to cheese" -> "Regarding cheese"
Explanation: The preposition "regard to" should be replaced with "regarding" for proper usage. "Regarding cheese" is a more appropriate and grammatically correct phrase.
"outstripped the 4,925 metric tons" -> "surpassed the 4,925 metric tons"
Explanation: "Surpassed" is a more sophisticated term than "outstripped," contributing to a more formal tone in the context of production comparisons.
"the foremost in butter production" -> "the foremost in the production of butter"
Explanation: To improve the sentence structure, it is recommended to rephrase "the foremost in butter production" to "the foremost in the production of butter."
"term of milk power" -> "terms of milk powder"
Explanation: The correct phrase is "in terms of," so "term of milk power" should be corrected to "terms of milk powder" for grammatical accuracy.
"a slightly higher output than that of" -> "a slightly greater output compared to"
Explanation: To enhance precision and formality, it is advisable to replace "a slightly higher output than that of" with "a slightly greater output compared to."
Note: The numbers in the original text include spaces, which might be formatting issues. Ensure proper spacing between numbers for clarity.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay adequately addresses the task, providing a general overview of the main trends in the dairy production of four different products in 2012. It covers the key features of milk, cheese, butter, and milk powder production, highlighting the major producers for each.
However, there are areas where the response falls short of higher bands. The introduction is brief and lacks clarity. The use of language, while generally understandable, could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the number of milk production was highest number" is somewhat awkward and could be improved for better coherence.
The organization of information is generally clear, but there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow between sentences and ideas. Additionally, the description of the data lacks depth, with some details being mentioned without sufficient elaboration.
How to improve:
- Introduction Clarity: Expand the introduction to provide a clearer overview of the main trends without being overly verbose.
- Language Precision: Be more precise in the use of language to enhance clarity and fluency. Avoid awkward phrasing.
- Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices (e.g., transition words) to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.
- Data Elaboration: Provide more in-depth analysis and details for each dairy product to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the data.
By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher band score by presenting a more refined and nuanced response to the task.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The overall organization is clear, with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a central topic related to a specific dairy product. There is effective use of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there are some instances of faulty cohesion, such as in the phrase "the number of milk production was highest number," which could be improved for smoother flow.
Paragraphing is generally logical, with distinct sections for each dairy product. The use of data and comparisons is effective in conveying information. The essay achieves a balance in presenting facts without being overly repetitive.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining sentence structures for smoother transitions. Additionally, ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistently accurate throughout the essay. Addressing minor issues like the awkward phrasing in "the number of milk production" and refining sentence-level cohesion will contribute to a more polished response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the key points and providing some details. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "outstripped" and "foremost," but with some inaccuracies. The use of commas in numerical figures is inconsistent, and there are minor grammatical errors throughout the essay. Additionally, there are some issues with word choice and collocation, such as "began at" when referring to production numbers.
How to improve:
- Grammar and Punctuation: Pay attention to grammar and punctuation, especially the use of commas in numerical figures. Consistency in punctuation contributes to better readability.
- Word Choice and Collocation: Use more accurate and appropriate expressions. For instance, consider alternatives to phrases like "the number of milk production" for clearer and more precise language.
- Lexical Variety: Introduce a broader range of vocabulary to enhance the essay’s sophistication. Aim for more precise and varied terms to express ideas.
- Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct minor errors. This will contribute to a more polished final product.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, covering a variety of structures. There are instances of accurate use of grammar, but errors are present and may slightly impact communication. For example, there are minor issues with sentence structure, such as "the number of milk production" instead of "milk production numbers" or "at the foremost in butter production" which could be refined for clarity.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to sentence structure and word choices. Ensure subject-verb agreement and refine expressions for clarity. Review and revise sentences that may contain errors to improve overall precision and fluency. Consider proofreading to catch and correct minor mistakes that could enhance the essay’s overall quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
The presented line graphs offer a comparison of the world’s top three producers for four different dairy products in the year 2012.
Overall, it is evident that milk production claimed the highest quantity among the featured dairy products, while milk powder exhibited the lowest figures. Notably, the European Union emerged as the primary producer for both milk and cheese.
Turning to milk production, the European Union commenced with a substantial output of 142,970 metric tons, surpassing India’s production by approximately 16,000 metric tons and the United States by 53,000 metric tons. In the case of cheese, the EU maintained its leading position with a production of 7,120 metric tons, surpassing the United States by 2,195 metric tons and Brazil by 6,420 metric tons.
In addition, India took the lead in butter production with an impressive output of 4,500 metric tons, more than doubling the European Union’s production. The United States secured the third position with an output of 810 metric tons. Shifting the focus to milk powder, China led with a production of 1,200 metric tons, slightly surpassing New Zealand and the EU, which stood at 1,110 metric tons and 770 metric tons, respectively.
In summary, the data reveals significant disparities in the production of various dairy products among the top three global exporters in 2012.