The charts below gives information about workplace injuries in one country in 2018.

The bar chart shows the proportion of workers who were injured in various fields in a particular country in 2018.

Overall, there was a significant proportion of injuries in the 50 to over 60 age group in education and health, service industries, whereas the younger people aged 15 to 24 tended to be injured particularly in construction sector. The other two age groups were relatively less involved in injuries.

In leisure and hospitality and manufacturing, there was an increase related to age, with 15-to 24-year-olds being at about 12% (leisure and hospitality) and 15% (manufacturing), and almost increased slightly by 10% to the next age group. In leisure and hospitality, the figure peaked at approximately 37% in the oldest group, while the 35-to 49-year-old age group was affected the most in manufacturing, at 35%.

In education and health, the reverse was true for this age group as the percentage of injured workers significantly decreased, from 30% of the youngest group to 5% of the 25-to 34-year-olds. This was mirrored in the mining and construction industry where workers aged between 15 and 24 were injured the most, at 40%, while the injuries rate of workers aged 25 to 34 and 35 to 49 were relatively lower, at 15% and 10% respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Overall, there was a significant proportion of injuries…" -> "Overall, a notable proportion of injuries…"
Explanation: Replacing "significant" with "notable" maintains the idea of importance while using a more precise and slightly more formal term.
"The other two age groups were relatively less involved in injuries." -> "The remaining two age groups were relatively less prone to injuries."
Explanation: "Involved in injuries" is a less precise phrase. "Prone to injuries" conveys a clearer meaning. Additionally, "remaining" adds clarity by specifying which age groups are being referred to.
"In leisure and hospitality and manufacturing, there was an increase related to age…" -> "In leisure and hospitality and manufacturing, there was an age-related increase…"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "age-related increase" enhances clarity and formal tone by placing the modifier "age-related" before the noun it modifies.
"almost increased slightly" -> "increased slightly"
Explanation: "almost increased slightly" is redundant. Removing "almost" maintains clarity and conciseness.
"while the 35-to 49-year-old age group was affected the most in manufacturing" -> "while the age group of 35 to 49 years was the most affected in manufacturing"
Explanation: Rearranging the structure and specifying the age group in years rather than using "35-to 49-year-old" improves clarity and formality.
"the reverse was true for this age group as the percentage of injured workers significantly decreased" -> "conversely, the percentage of injured workers significantly decreased in this age group"
Explanation: "the reverse was true for this age group" is slightly ambiguous. Replacing it with "conversely" clarifies the contrast. Additionally, rearranging the sentence structure enhances readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in workplace injuries across different age groups and industries in the given country in 2018. Key features and bullet points are presented and highlighted clearly, although some aspects could be more fully extended for a more comprehensive analysis.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more specific details and data to support the description, especially regarding the exact proportions or numbers of injuries in each age group and industry. Additionally, a deeper analysis of the implications of these trends could enhance the response. Ensure that all information provided is relevant and accurate.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a coherent manner, providing a clear overview of the workplace injuries in various sectors and age groups. There is a logical progression throughout the essay, with each paragraph addressing a different aspect of the data. The essay effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transitional phrases like "Overall," and "In," which aid in the flow of information. However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved, such as in the sentence "The other two age groups were relatively less involved in injuries." Additionally, while paragraphing is utilized, it could be improved for better logical structure, especially in the final paragraph where transitions between ideas could be smoother.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent and that transitions between sentences are seamless. Additionally, focus on improving paragraph structure by clearly indicating shifts in ideas and providing smoother transitions between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It effectively communicates information about workplace injuries depicted in the charts. The writer attempts to incorporate some less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "injured," "industries," "significant," and "mirrored," which adds variety to the language. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated to elevate the lexical resource to a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource and aim for a higher band score, the writer should strive to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and nuanced terms related to workplace injuries and demographics. Additionally, paying attention to collocation and style awareness could enhance lexical resource, leading to a more sophisticated expression of ideas. Furthermore, refining word choice and minimizing errors in spelling and word formation would contribute to clearer communication and a stronger lexical score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of complex structures and a variety of sentence forms. It effectively presents the information from the charts, utilizing different sentence structures to convey the data accurately. The essay also displays good control of grammar and punctuation, with the majority of sentences being error-free. The transitions between different age groups and industries are smooth, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider varying sentence structures even more by incorporating conditional sentences, passive voice constructions, and more complex subordinate clauses. Additionally, ensure consistency in verb tense usage throughout the essay. Lastly, carefully proofread the essay to catch any remaining minor errors or inappropriacies that might affect the clarity of communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart delineates the distribution of workplace injuries across different sectors within a specific country in 2018.

Overall, a notable proportion of injuries occurred within the 50 to over 60 age bracket in the education and health services sectors, as well as in the service industries. Conversely, individuals aged 15 to 24 exhibited a higher incidence of injuries, particularly within the construction sector. The remaining age groups displayed comparatively lower involvement in workplace injuries.

In the domains of leisure and hospitality, as well as manufacturing, there was an observable increase in injury rates correlating with age. For instance, within the leisure and hospitality sector, the percentage of injuries among 15 to 24-year-olds stood at approximately 12%, escalating to around 37% in the oldest age group. Similarly, in manufacturing, the highest incidence of injuries was noted among individuals aged 35 to 49, accounting for 35% of the total.

Conversely, in the education and health sector, a decline in the percentage of injured workers was evident across age groups. Notably, the percentage decreased from 30% in the youngest group to 5% in the 25 to 34-year-old category. This trend mirrored the situation in the mining and construction industry, where individuals aged 15 to 24 constituted the highest proportion of injured workers at 40%, while the injury rates among workers aged 25 to 34 and 35 to 49 were relatively lower, standing at 15% and 10%, respectively.