The charts below show the number of tourists to Australia from three countries in 1995 and 2005, and the types of travels between 1995 and 2005.

The charts compare how many tourists pay a visit to Australia in the UK, US and Japan and two types of travel in a 10-year period, starting from 1995.

Overall, the majority of tourists visited Japan but this position was overtaken by that of the UK and US by the end of the period shown. Regarding changes in the number of tours to Australia, Japan witnessed a downward trend while others took the opposite direction. Meanwhile, the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one, whereas they both shared the same number of tourists in 2005.

Regarding changes in the number of tourists in 3 different nations, Japanese accounted for nearly 1,500,000 tourists in the initial year, nearly doubling that of the UK and tripling the figure for the US. Thereafter, the year 2005 saw a steep plunge to 1,000,000 tourists in Japan while the American and Australian tourists both witnessed a peak of a statistic that bore the resemblance to that of Japan in 1995.

Concerning the types of travels, there were 1,500,000 tourists going backpacking in 1995, roughly six times higher than those who tended to stay at resorts. Over the subsequent 10 years, the number of individuals going backpacking reached the peak of 2,400,000, after which declined to nearly over 1,0000,000 , equalizing the figure for those staying at resorts after its rapid rise during the entire period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"pay a visit to" -> "visit"
Explanation: The phrase "pay a visit to" is slightly informal and redundant in this context. "Visit" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"the UK, US and Japan" -> "the United Kingdom, the United States, and Japan"
Explanation: Using the full names of countries is more formal and precise in academic writing, especially when multiple countries are mentioned.
"two types of travel" -> "two modes of travel"
Explanation: "Modes of travel" is a more specific and formal term than "types of travel," which is more vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.
"overtaken" -> "overtaken by"
Explanation: "Overtaken" should be used with the preposition "by" to correctly indicate the action of being surpassed.
"Regarding changes in the number of tours to Australia, Japan witnessed a downward trend while others took the opposite direction." -> "Regarding changes in the number of tourists to Australia, Japan exhibited a decline, whereas the other countries experienced an increase."
Explanation: "Exhibited a decline" is more precise and formal than "witnessed a downward trend," and "experienced an increase" is more specific than "took the opposite direction."
"the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one" -> "the popularity of staying at resorts was less prevalent than that of backpacking"
Explanation: "Less common" is somewhat informal and vague; "less prevalent" is more precise and formal. Also, "backpacking’s one" is incorrect as "backpacking" is a noun and does not possessive form; "that of backpacking" corrects this.
"nearly 1,500,000 tourists" -> "approximately 1.5 million tourists"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "nearly," and using numbers with a decimal point is more precise in academic writing.
"the American and Australian tourists" -> "American and Australian tourists"
Explanation: "The" is unnecessary before "American and Australian tourists" as it is not referring to a specific group previously mentioned.
"a steep plunge" -> "a significant decline"
Explanation: "A steep plunge" is colloquial and less precise; "a significant decline" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"bore the resemblance to that of Japan in 1995" -> "paralleled that of Japan in 1995"
Explanation: "Bore the resemblance to" is awkward and less formal; "paralleled" is a more precise and academically appropriate term.
"nearly over 1,0000,000" -> "over 1 million"
Explanation: "Nearly over 1,0000,000" is awkward and incorrect; "over 1 million" is clearer and correct.
"equalizing the figure for those staying at resorts" -> "matching the figure for those staying at resorts"
Explanation: "Equalizing" is not the correct term in this context; "matching" is more appropriate to describe the convergence of numbers.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the majority of tourists visited Japan but this position was overtaken by that of the UK and US by the end of the period shown." This is a general overview, but it does not provide any specific details about the changes in the number of tourists from each country. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one, whereas they both shared the same number of tourists in 2005." This information is not relevant to the task, which is to compare the number of tourists from different countries and the types of travel.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in the number of tourists from each country. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details and focusing on the main trends in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical, which detracts from the overall clarity. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat effective, but there are moments of awkward phrasing and unclear referencing. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it is not always logical, leading to some confusion in the flow of information.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., ensuring that pronouns clearly refer back to their antecedents) would also help. Additionally, organizing paragraphs around a single central topic and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next would strengthen the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "overtaken," "witnessed," and "accounted for," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "nearly over 1,0000,000" and "American and Australian tourists," which may cause some confusion for the reader. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for communication, the inaccuracies and errors prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes avoiding awkward phrasing and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, attention should be paid to spelling and word formation to minimize errors. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help in achieving a more sophisticated use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective sentence structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one" could be rephrased for better clarity. Additionally, errors such as "nearly over 1,0000,000" and "the American and Australian tourists both witnessed a peak of a statistic that bore the resemblance to that of Japan in 1995" indicate issues with grammar and punctuation. However, the overall meaning is still conveyed, which aligns with the criteria for this band score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentences while ensuring they are grammatically correct. Practice using subordinate clauses effectively.
Proofreading: Carefully check for typographical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, ensure numerical figures are presented correctly and consistently.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas. For example, instead of saying "the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking’s one," consider rephrasing to "staying at resorts was less popular than backpacking."
Grammar Practice: Engage in targeted grammar exercises to improve accuracy, particularly in verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The charts compare the number of tourists visiting Australia from the UK, US, and Japan, as well as the types of travel over a 10-year period, starting from 1995.

Overall, the majority of tourists came from Japan initially, but this position was overtaken by the UK and US by the end of the period shown. In terms of changes in the number of tourists to Australia, Japan experienced a downward trend, while the numbers from the UK and US increased. Meanwhile, the popularity of staying at resorts was less common than backpacking; however, both types of travel had the same number of tourists in 2005.

In 1995, Japanese tourists accounted for nearly 1,500,000 visitors, nearly doubling the number from the UK and tripling the figure for the US. By 2005, there was a steep decline to 1,000,000 tourists from Japan, while American and UK tourists both peaked at figures resembling Japan’s in 1995.

Regarding the types of travel, there were 1,500,000 tourists going backpacking in 1995, which was roughly six times higher than those who preferred to stay at resorts. Over the subsequent 10 years, the number of individuals going backpacking reached a peak of 2,400,000, after which it declined to just over 1,000,000, equalizing the figure for those staying at resorts following its rapid rise during the entire period.