The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001, and 2014.

The bar charts illustrate how many proportion males and females in Australia successfully found a job based on three different age groups in 1984, 2001, and 2014.

Overall, the rate of men acquiring a job was recorded to be higher than women and both genders witnessed a remarkable difference among age ranges. In addition, while the employed adult males percentage surged and the remaining group declined, the data on females in three ages generally rose.

Looking at the men's charts, the senior group shared an equal rate of having a job between 1984 and 2001, at 40% before increasing to 60% in 2014. While the middle-aged group observed a plateau at 80% over the period, the under-20-year-old range was recorded to slightly decline from 60% to 50%.

Concerning female graphs, the percentage of elderly females recruited in 1984 was the lowest, constituting only 10% of Australian citizens, yet after 30 years, this rate soared by 40% after witnessing a 10% growth in 2001. While the figure for the 15-19 age group remained unchanged at 60%, the remaining one constantly climbed from nearly 60% to 80%, dominating the female employee market.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"males and females" -> "men and women"
Explanation: Using "men and women" is more formal and commonly accepted in academic writing than "males and females," which can sound somewhat archaic and less precise.
"successfully found a job" -> "obtained employment"
Explanation: "Obtained employment" is a more formal and precise term than "successfully found a job," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"remarkable difference" -> "significant disparity"
Explanation: "Significant disparity" is a more academic term that conveys a clear and measurable difference, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.
"the employed adult males percentage" -> "the percentage of employed adult males"
Explanation: "The percentage of employed adult males" corrects the grammatical structure, making it more formal and clear.
"the remaining group declined" -> "the remaining group saw a decline"
Explanation: "Saw a decline" is a more precise and formal way to express the change in data, improving the academic tone.
"the data on females in three ages generally rose" -> "the data for female employment across all age groups generally increased"
Explanation: "The data for female employment across all age groups generally increased" is more specific and formal, clearly indicating the subject and scope of the data.
"the senior group shared an equal rate" -> "the senior group maintained a consistent rate"
Explanation: "Maintained a consistent rate" is more precise and formal than "shared an equal rate," which is less specific and slightly informal.
"the middle-aged group observed a plateau" -> "the middle-aged group exhibited stability"
Explanation: "Exhibited stability" is a more formal and precise term than "observed a plateau," which can be vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.
"the under-20-year-old range was recorded to slightly decline" -> "the under-20-year-old group experienced a slight decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a slight decline" is a more direct and formal way to express the change, avoiding the passive voice and enhancing clarity.
"Concerning female graphs" -> "Regarding the female employment data"
Explanation: "Regarding the female employment data" is more specific and formal than "Concerning female graphs," which is vague and less precise.
"recruited in 1984 was the lowest" -> "employment rates in 1984 were the lowest"
Explanation: "Employment rates in 1984 were the lowest" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the subject, making the statement more formal and precise.
"this rate soared by 40%" -> "this rate increased by 40%"
Explanation: "Increased by 40%" is a more neutral and formal expression compared to "soared," which can be seen as overly dramatic for academic writing.
"after witnessing a 10% growth" -> "following a 10% increase"
Explanation: "Following a 10% increase" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "witnessing," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"the remaining one constantly climbed" -> "the remaining group consistently increased"
Explanation: "The remaining group consistently increased" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal phrasing of "the remaining one constantly climbed."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the percentage of elderly females recruited in 1984 was the lowest, constituting only 10% of Australian citizens, yet after 30 years, this rate soared by 40% after witnessing a 10% growth in 2001. However, the essay does not provide any specific details about the percentage of elderly females recruited in 2001 or 2014.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of elderly females recruited in 2001 was 20% and the percentage of elderly females recruited in 2014 was 50%. This would provide a more complete and accurate overview of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information fairly coherently and demonstrates a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices to link ideas within sentences, though there are instances of mechanical cohesion. Each paragraph maintains a clear central topic, focusing on either male or female employment trends across different age groups and years. However, the essay’s paragraphing could be more logically structured to enhance clarity and coherence further.

How to improve:

Paragraph Structure: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically develops the main idea. Consider grouping related information more cohesively.
Cohesive Devices: While cohesive devices are used, strive for more natural and varied connections between sentences and ideas to improve the flow of information.
Overall Progression: Maintain a consistent progression of ideas throughout the essay, ensuring transitions between different data points are smooth and clearly indicated.

This feedback aims to enhance the essay’s coherence and cohesion, aligning it more closely with the Band 7 criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It includes some specific terminology related to demographic and employment trends ("proportion," "senior group," "middle-aged group," "under-20-year-old range," "elderly females," "employee market"). There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary ("witnessed," "soared," "constituting"), albeit with occasional inaccuracies and minor errors in word choice and collocation. For instance, "remarkable difference among age ranges" could be more precisely expressed. There are also minor errors in word formation and spelling ("proportion males," "recruited" instead of "employed").

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score:

Precision and Accuracy: Focus on using vocabulary more precisely to convey exact meanings. Avoid slight inaccuracies in word choice and ensure proper collocation.
Variety: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary consistently throughout the essay.
Spelling and Word Formation: Pay attention to minor errors in spelling and word formation to enhance overall clarity and coherence.

This feedback aims to help enhance the essay’s Lexical Resource to achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence forms, although some sentences could be more complex. The overall communication is clear, despite occasional errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay generally maintains coherence and readability.

How to improve:
To improve to a higher band score, aim to incorporate more complex sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation errors to reduce their occurrence, ensuring that they do not detract from the clarity of your message.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here’s an improved version of the IELTS Task 1 report:

The bar charts depict the employment percentages of Australian men and women across three age categories in the years 1984, 2001, and 2014.

Overall, male employment rates were consistently higher than those of females, with noticeable variations across age groups. Among males, the oldest age group maintained a stable employment rate from 1984 to 2001 at 40%, which then increased to 60% by 2014. The middle-aged cohort remained steady at 80% throughout the period, while the youngest group saw a slight decline from 60% in 1984 to 50% in 2014.

Turning to females, the employment rate for elderly women in 1984 was the lowest at 10%, but this figure rose dramatically to 50% in 2001 and further to 90% by 2014. The youngest age group of females remained steady at 60% throughout the period, while the employment rate for the middle-aged group increased steadily from approximately 60% in 1984 to around 80% by 2014.

In summary, while males consistently had higher employment rates compared to females across all age groups, both genders experienced shifts in employment percentages over the three decades.

This revision maintains the original data points and structure while improving clarity and coherence.