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The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001, and 2014

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001, and 2014

The charts provided give information about the labor force participation in Australia men and women and illustrate how it has changed over the span of three different years.
Overall, there has been a general increase or maintain steadily in all the age group of both men and women with exception for men in the age from 15-19. Additionally, although Autralia women has overstripped at initial, the gap between men and women in employment rate has been narrowed at the final.

In 1984, the figure for 15-19 age and 34-35 age in both genders clearly has the rate higher than that of individual 60-64 age, with above 60% and 60% for men and women in the same age group from 15-19 respectively and 60% for man at the 34-35 age and just 60% for women of that range age. By contrast, at the same time, there were only 10% 60-66 women in the same age category and 40% in the same age group holding work, which less than half of the figure compared with young men in the 15-19 age.

Following the forward years, while individuals aged 34-35 of men remained relatively stable at a high rate of 80%, there was a significant increase in women 34-35 age, from over 60% in 2001 to 80% in 2014, showing changes in the labor market when women are facilitated to be employed. Notice also that participation for women at the age 15-19 saw maintained sustainability at 60% while that of men at the same age slightly dipped into from 60% to just above 50%. Subsequently, the 60-66 age demographic of women witnessed a sharp increase of double of its in 2001, and more than fourfold at the end of the period, whereas, that of men has experienced similarly, increasing from over 40% to 60%, ultimately.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "labor force participation in Australia men and women" -> "labor force participation in Australia among men and women"
    Explanation: The phrase "in Australia men and women" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Among" correctly indicates the inclusion of both groups in the context of labor force participation.

  2. "has changed over the span of three different years" -> "has changed over three distinct years"
    Explanation: "The span of three different years" is unnecessarily wordy. "Over three distinct years" is more concise and maintains clarity.

  3. "maintain steadily in all the age group of both men and women" -> "remained steady across all age groups of both men and women"
    Explanation: "Maintain steadily" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Remained steady" is a more natural phrase, and "across all age groups" is clearer and more precise.

  4. "with exception for men in the age from 15-19" -> "with the exception of men aged 15-19"
    Explanation: "With exception for" is an incorrect phrase; "with the exception of" is the correct form. "Aged 15-19" is more concise and formal than "in the age from 15-19."

  5. "although Autralia women has overstripped at initial" -> "although Australian women initially outperformed"
    Explanation: "Autralia" is a typographical error; it should be "Australian." "Overstripped at initial" is vague and informal; "initially outperformed" is clearer and more precise.

  6. "the gap between men and women in employment rate has been narrowed at the final" -> "the gap in employment rates between men and women has narrowed by the end"
    Explanation: "Has been narrowed at the final" is awkward and unclear. "Has narrowed by the end" is more precise, and "the gap in employment rates" is clearer.

  7. "the figure for 15-19 age and 34-35 age in both genders clearly has the rate higher thanthat of individual 60-64 age" -> "the figures for the 15-19 and 34-35 age groups for both genders are clearly higher than those of the 60-64 age group"
    Explanation: "The figure for 15-19 age and 34-35 age" is awkward; "the figures for the 15-19 and 34-35 age groups" is clearer. "Are clearly higher than those of" improves grammatical structure.

  8. "with above 60% and 60% for men and women in the same age group from 15-19 respectively" -> "with rates exceeding 60% for men and women in the 15-19 age group, respectively"
    Explanation: "With above 60%" is informal; "with rates exceeding 60%" is more precise. The phrase "in the same age group from 15-19" is rephrased for clarity.

  9. "just 60% for women of that range age" -> "only 60% for women in that age range"
    Explanation: "Just" is informal; "only" is more appropriate in academic writing. "Of that range age" is awkward; "in that age range" is clearer.

  10. "there were only 10% 60-66 women in the same age category" -> "only 10% of women aged 60-66 were in the same age category"
    Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the subject and structure.

  11. "which less than half of the figure compared with young men in the 15-19 age" -> "which is less than half the figure for young men aged 15-19"
    Explanation: "Which less than half of the figure" is grammatically incorrect; "which is less than half the figure" corrects this. "Compared with" is rephrased for clarity.

  12. "while individuals aged 34-35 of men remained relatively stable at a high rate of 80%" -> "while the participation rate for men aged 34-35 remained relatively stable at a high level of 80%"
    Explanation: "Individuals aged 34-35 of men" is awkward; "the participation rate for men aged 34-35" is clearer. "High level" is more precise than "high rate."

  13. "there was a significant increase in women 34-35 age" -> "there was a significant increase in the participation rate of women aged 34-35"
    Explanation: "Women 34-35 age" is awkward; "women aged 34-35" is more natural. Adding "participation rate" clarifies the context.

  14. "showing changes in the labor market when women are facilitated to be employed" -> "indicating changes in the labor market that have facilitated women’s employment"
    Explanation: "Showing" is vague; "indicating" is more precise. The phrase "when women are facilitated to be employed" is awkward; "that have facilitated women’s employment" is clearer and more formal.

  15. "Notice also that participation for women at the age 15-19 saw maintained sustainability at 60%" -> "It is noteworthy that participation rates for women aged 15-19 remained stable at 60%"
    Explanation: "Notice also that" is informal; "It is noteworthy that" is more appropriate for academic writing. "Saw maintained sustainability" is awkward; "remained stable" is clearer.

  16. "while that of men at the same age slightly dipped into from 60% to just above 50%" -> "while the participation rate for men in the same age group slightly declined from 60% to just above 50%"
    Explanation: "That of men at the same age" is vague; "the participation rate for men in the same age group" is clearer. "Dipped into" is informal; "declined" is more appropriate.

  17. "the 60-66 age demographic of women witnessed a sharp increase of double of its in 2001" -> "the demographic of women aged 60-66 experienced a sharp increase, doubling the rate observed in 2001"
    Explanation: "60-66 age demographic of women" is awkward; "demographic of women aged 60-66" is clearer. "Of double of its in 2001" is rephrased for clarity and precision.

  18. "whereas, that of men has experienced similarly" -> "whereas the rate for men has similarly increased"
    Explanation: "That of men has experienced similarly" is awkward; "the rate for men has similarly increased" is clearer and more precise.

  19. "increasing from over 40% to 60%, ultimately" -> "increasing from over 40% to 60% by the end of the period"
    Explanation: "Ultimately" is vague; "by the end of the period" provides a clearer temporal reference.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "there has been a general increase or maintain steadily in all the age group of both men and women with exception for men in the age from 15-19," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that "there were only 10% 60-66 women in the same age category and 40% in the same age group holding work." The actual figures are 10% and 40% respectively.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. The essay could also be made more concise and clear by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "there has been a general increase," the essay could say "the percentage of men aged 34-35 who were employed increased from 60% in 1984 to 80% in 2014."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression in the argument. While it attempts to convey changes in employment rates, the connections between ideas are often unclear or poorly articulated. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in the reader’s understanding. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent; some sections do not clearly delineate different ideas or themes, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas with logical progression. This can be achieved by using appropriate cohesive devices consistently and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will help avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Lastly, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will improve readability and comprehension.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While there are attempts to use some less common vocabulary, inaccuracies and awkward phrasing are present throughout. For example, phrases like "overstripped at initial" and "maintained sustainability" are unclear and do not convey precise meanings. There are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "Autralia") and word formation (e.g., "the figure for 15-19 age and 34-35 age"), which may cause difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource is insufficient to fully convey the intended message clearly and effectively.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, focus on expanding vocabulary by reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing. Aim for clarity and precision in word choice, ensuring that phrases are commonly understood and contextually appropriate. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help improve overall communication. Using a wider variety of synonyms and avoiding repetitive language will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent, with frequent grammatical errors that can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "has overstripped at initial" and "the gap between men and women in employment rate has been narrowed at the final" exhibit awkward constructions and inaccuracies. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and punctuation, such as "the figure for 15-19 age and 34-35 age in both genders clearly has the rate higher" which is grammatically incorrect.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures, incorporating more complex sentences while ensuring accuracy. They should also work on reducing grammatical errors and improving punctuation. Practicing sentence variety and clarity, as well as proofreading for common mistakes, will enhance overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The charts provided give information about the labor force participation of Australian men and women and illustrate how it has changed over the span of three different years. Overall, there has been a general increase or steady maintenance in all age groups for both men and women, with the exception of men in the 15-19 age group. Additionally, although Australian women initially had a higher employment rate, the gap between men and women in employment rates has narrowed by the end of the period.

In 1984, the figures for the 15-19 and 34-35 age groups for both genders were clearly higher than those for the 60-64 age group, with over 60% of men and women aged 15-19 employed (above 60% for men and 60% for women) and 60% for men in the 34-35 age group, while only 40% of women in that age range were employed. In contrast, at the same time, only 10% of women aged 60-64 were in the labor force, which is less than half the figure for young men in the 15-19 age group.

In the following years, while the employment rate for men aged 34-35 remained relatively stable at a high rate of 80%, there was a significant increase in the employment rate for women in the 34-35 age group, rising from over 60% in 2001 to 80% in 2014, indicating changes in the labor market that facilitated women’s employment. It is also noteworthy that the participation rate for women aged 15-19 remained stable at 60%, while that of men in the same age group slightly dipped from 60% to just above 50%. Subsequently, the 60-64 age demographic for women witnessed a sharp increase, doubling from its 2001 figure and increasing more than fourfold by the end of the period, whereas the rate for men also experienced a similar rise, increasing from over 40% to 60%.

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