The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008

The two pie charts provide a breakdown of how people aged from 23 to 65 in the town of Ashby and in the Uk in general, worked in different professions in 2008.
According to the first pie chart, the dominant job field was the service which occupied 21% of employees of the town Ashby; meanwhile, only 17% of total UK citizens worked in this sector. The construction and shop works were ranked second in the town, approximately 15%. However, the figure for these 2 jobs were seen a drop in the total percentage in the UK (10% for construction, 13% for shops). Another noteworthy is the variations in the percentage of professional and technical fields, while under a tenth of the local populace engaged in these jobs, surge percentages were witnessed in the UK (14% and 17% respectively). The only shared sector which had similar data was in paperwork, at 19%.
Regarding the jobless ratio, approximately a quarter of locals was not employed , 19% of the total UK stayed at home.
Overall, there were some variations in job distribution but the most common jobs included service and office work in both charts. Nonetheless, the least preferred jobs in Ashby town were in professional and technical fields, which gained higher places in the UK.

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Errors and Improvements:

"According to the first pie chart, the dominant job field was the service which occupied 21% of employees of the town Ashby…" -> "According to the first pie chart, the dominant job sector in Ashby was services, which employed 21% of the town’s workforce…"
Explanation: Using "sector" instead of "field" is more appropriate in this context as it refers to a specific area of economic activity. Additionally, "employed" is a more precise verb choice than "occupied."
"…the figure for these 2 jobs were seen a drop in the total percentage in the UK…" -> "…the figures for these two jobs witnessed a decrease in the total percentage in the UK…"
Explanation: "Figures" is a more precise term to refer to numerical data. "Witnessed a decrease" is a more formal and accurate expression than "saw a drop."
"…while under a tenth of the local populace engaged in these jobs…" -> "…while less than a tenth of the local population was engaged in these jobs…"
Explanation: "Less than a tenth" is a more precise way to express a small proportion. Also, "population" is a more formal term than "populace."
"…surge percentages were witnessed in the UK (14% and 17% respectively)." -> "…significant increases were observed in the UK (14% for professional and 17% for technical fields respectively)."
Explanation: "Surge percentages" is not a common expression; "significant increases" is clearer. Also, specifying the sectors (professional and technical fields) provides more clarity.
"Regarding the jobless ratio, approximately a quarter of locals was not employed…" -> "Regarding the unemployment rate, approximately a quarter of the local population was not employed…"
Explanation: "Unemployment rate" is a more standard term for describing the percentage of people without jobs. Also, "local population" is a clearer phrase than "locals."
"…19% of the total UK stayed at home." -> "…19% of the UK population were unemployed."
Explanation: "Stayed at home" is a colloquial expression; "were unemployed" is a more formal and precise description of the situation.
"…the least preferred jobs in Ashby town were in professional and technical fields…" -> "…the least favored occupations in Ashby were in the professional and technical sectors…"
Explanation: "Least favored" is a more formal way to describe jobs that are not preferred. Additionally, "occupations" is a more precise term than "jobs."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in both the town of Ashby and the UK as a whole. Key features and bullet points are presented and highlighted, such as the dominant job fields, variations in percentages between the town and the UK, and the jobless ratio. However, the essay could be more fully developed, especially in extending the analysis of key features and providing more detailed comparisons between Ashby and the UK.

How to improve:
To improve, consider expanding on the analysis of key features and providing more specific details about the occupations mentioned. Additionally, provide more thorough comparisons between the data for Ashby and the UK to enhance the depth of the analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay effectively arranges information and ideas coherently with a clear overall progression. It introduces the main topic and provides a brief overview of the charts. The essay demonstrates adequate use of cohesive devices to connect ideas, though there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as awkward transitions between sentences. Paragraphing is used, but it lacks logical organization, particularly in the second paragraph. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, but improvements can be made to enhance clarity and cohesion.
How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical sequence of ideas. Use cohesive devices consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to paragraphing, ensuring that each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic and flows logically from one to the next.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It effectively describes the data presented in the charts and provides some analysis. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "populace" and "surge percentages," although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present. Minor errors in word formation and spelling are scattered throughout the essay, but they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on enhancing the precision and accuracy of word choice and collocation. Use more varied vocabulary and strive for consistency in spelling and word formation. Additionally, aim for clearer and more nuanced descriptions to elevate the sophistication of language use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.5

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures and demonstrates some complexity, such as the use of compound and complex sentences. However, there are errors in sentence structure and grammar that reduce the clarity and accuracy of the essay. For instance, "the figure for these 2 jobs were seen a drop" should be corrected to "the figures for these two jobs saw a drop." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors throughout the essay, such as missing commas in compound sentences.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation. Proofreading the essay carefully for grammatical errors and ensuring that each sentence is clear and accurate will enhance its overall effectiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts depict the proportion of individuals aged 23 to 65 across various occupations in the town of Ashby and the United Kingdom as a whole in the year 2008.

The initial pie chart illustrates the predominant employment sectors within Ashby. It is evident that the service industry comprised the largest segment, employing 21% of the town’s workforce, whereas this figure stood at 17% for the entire UK. Conversely, both construction and retail sectors accounted for approximately 15% of employment in Ashby, experiencing a decline in representation compared to the UK as a whole, where construction constituted 10% and retail 13%. Notably, there was a notable disparity in the professional and technical sectors, with less than a tenth of Ashby’s population engaged in these fields compared to 14% and 17% respectively across the UK. The only sector exhibiting similar figures in both locales was administrative work, with 19% representation.

Regarding unemployment rates, approximately a quarter of Ashby’s population was not engaged in employment, whereas this figure was slightly lower at 19% for the UK overall.

In summary, while there were disparities in occupational distributions, service and administrative roles were prominent in both Ashby and the UK. Conversely, professional and technical fields were less favored in Ashby, contrasting with their higher representation nationwide.