The charts below show the percentage of volunteers by organizaধons in 2008 and 2014

The given pie charts illustrate the percentage of people doing voluntary work in various organizations, namely: Environmental, Art, Sport, Health care, Educational, and Others in 2008 and 2014.
It is obvious that the figures for Environment, Health Care, and Sport showed an upward trend while the opposite was true for the remaining groups. It is noticeable that the least proportion belonged to Health Care over the period shown.
As can be seen from the charts, in 2008, the figure for volunteers working in Education made up the greatest, at 24% as opposed to 21% and 18% of people volunteering in Environment and Art crops respectively. Meanwhile, there was the least common people’s choice in healthcare, with a mere 7% of participants. Besides, the figures for people attending voluntary work in sports and other groups were the same, at 15%.
Over the next 6 years, the percentage of volunteers in educational organizations decreased considerably to 17%. Likewise, there was a slight decline of 6% in figures for others and arts. By contrast, the proportion of people volunteering in environmental and sports rose dramatically to 29% and 25% accordingly. Although there was a minimal growth of 1% in the figure for health, it remained the least prevalent volunteer’ option.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given pie charts illustrate" -> "The pie charts depicted"
Explanation: "Depicted" is a more formal and precise term than "illustrate," which is commonly used in academic writing to describe the presentation of data.
"various organizations, namely:" -> "various organizations, specifically:"
Explanation: "Specifically:" is more formal and precise than "namely," which can sound slightly informal and less precise in academic contexts.
"It is obvious that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to "It is obvious that," which can sound too casual.
"the figures for Environment, Health Care, and Sport showed an upward trend" -> "the figures for Environment, Health Care, and Sport exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal verb choice than "showed," aligning better with academic style.
"the remaining groups" -> "the other groups"
Explanation: "The other groups" is a clearer and more direct phrase, avoiding the vague term "remaining."
"the least proportion belonged to Health Care" -> "the smallest proportion belonged to Health Care"
Explanation: "Smallest" is a more precise term than "least" in this context, as it directly compares proportions.
"As can be seen from the charts," -> "As evident from the charts"
Explanation: "As evident from" is a more formal and academic way to introduce visual data analysis.
"the figure for volunteers working in Education made up the greatest" -> "the proportion of volunteers in Education was the highest"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "figure," and "was the highest" is a clearer and more formal way to express comparative data.
"people attending voluntary work" -> "individuals engaging in voluntary work"
Explanation: "Individuals engaging in" is more formal and precise than "people attending," which is somewhat informal.
"the same, at 15%" -> "equally, at 15%"
Explanation: "Equally" is more formal and precise than "the same," enhancing the academic tone.
"there was a slight decline of 6% in figures for others and arts" -> "there was a 6% decline in the figures for the ‘Others’ and ‘Arts’ categories"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the type of decline and the categories involved, improving readability and formality.
"rose dramatically to 29%" -> "increased significantly to 29%"
Explanation: "Increased significantly" is a more formal and measured expression than "rose dramatically," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.
"a minimal growth of 1%" -> "a marginal increase of 1%"
Explanation: "Marginal increase" is a more precise and formal term than "minimal growth," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.
"volunteer’ option" -> "volunteer option"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive error, ensuring grammatical accuracy and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the figures for Environment, Health Care, and Sport showed an upward trend, but the figure for Health Care only increased by 1%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the figure for Health Care only increased by 1%, and that the figure for Sport increased by 10%. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of volunteers in educational organizations decreased considerably, while the percentage of volunteers in environmental and sports organizations increased dramatically.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, and the referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped or transitioned between. The central topics within paragraphs are identifiable, but the organization could be improved for smoother flow.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and distinct focus. Additionally, refining the use of referencing will help clarify relationships between ideas, making the essay easier to follow. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will contribute to a more cohesive overall presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the least common people’s choice in healthcare" which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "volunteer’ option" instead of "volunteer option." These issues do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate synonyms and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help improve clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions would also elevate the essay’s overall quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the least common people’s choice in healthcare" could be more clearly expressed, and there are some awkward constructions that affect the overall flow. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the main ideas presented.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
Proofreading for Errors: Carefully check for grammatical and punctuation errors, particularly in complex sentences, to reduce the frequency of mistakes.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas. For instance, rephrasing awkward phrases and ensuring that all terms used are precise will enhance overall coherence.
Consistent Use of Tenses: Ensure that verb tenses are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain clarity in the timeline of events.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given pie charts illustrate the percentage of people engaged in voluntary work across various organizations, namely: Environmental, Art, Sport, Health Care, Educational, and Others in 2008 and 2014.

It is evident that the figures for Environmental, Health Care, and Sport showed an upward trend, while the opposite was true for the remaining groups. Notably, the least proportion belonged to Health Care throughout the period shown.

As can be seen from the charts, in 2008, the percentage of volunteers working in Education constituted the largest share at 24%, compared to 21% and 18% for those volunteering in Environmental and Art organizations, respectively. Meanwhile, the least popular choice among participants was Health Care, with a mere 7%. Additionally, the figures for volunteers in Sports and Other groups were the same, at 15%.

Over the next six years, the percentage of volunteers in Educational organizations decreased considerably to 17%. Similarly, there was a slight decline of 6% in the figures for Other and Art organizations. In contrast, the proportion of people volunteering in Environmental and Sports organizations rose dramatically to 29% and 25%, respectively. Although there was minimal growth of 1% in the figure for Health Care, it remained the least prevalent option for volunteers.