the charts below show the reasons for immigrants to and from a European country in 2009

The pie charts illustrate the various reasons for individuals immigrating to and from a European country in the year 2009.
Overall, the predominant reason for immigration to this country was to accompany or join their family, while the primary cause for emigration was the pursuit of a definite job. Notably, family-related moves and secure employment opportunities were significant factors driving both immigration and emigration.
As for immigrants to the European country, family-related reasons were the most popular, accounting for 25% of the total. Additionally, individuals immigrating to this country said that pursuing a definite job was their main cause, making up 23% of the immigrants. Meanwhile, seeking employment, pursuing education and other reasons EACH contributed to 15% of immigration, while 7% moved without any specific reason.
In contrast, the prevalent reason for emigration was finding a concrete job, with 38% leaving for this purpose. Family-related moves constituted 15%, highlighting the ongoing significance of familial bonds. At the same time, the figure for seeking a job was 13%, (which was) nearly double that for educational reasons, at 7%. Lastly, other reasons and no reasons for leaving made up 23% and 4%, respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the pie charts illustrate" -> "the pie charts depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is more precise and formal than "illustrate" in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"individuals immigrating to and from a European country" -> "individuals migrating to and from a European nation"
Explanation: "Migrating" is more commonly used in academic contexts when referring to movement between countries, and "nation" is often preferred over "country" in formal writing for its slightly more formal connotation.
"the predominant reason" -> "the primary reason"
Explanation: "Primary" is a more precise term in academic writing, emphasizing the initial or most important reason.
"pursuit of a definite job" -> "pursuit of employment"
Explanation: "Employment" is a more formal and encompassing term than "a definite job," which sounds colloquial.
"Notably" -> "Notably, however"
Explanation: Adding "however" after "Notably" introduces a contrast more explicitly, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"family-related moves and secure employment opportunities" -> "family-related migrations and secure employment opportunities"
Explanation: "Migrations" is more specific and formal than "moves," aligning better with the academic style.
"seeking employment, pursuing education and other reasons" -> "seeking employment, pursuing education, and other reasons"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "education" corrects the grammatical structure, making the list more formal and precise.
"moved without any specific reason" -> "moved without a specific reason"
Explanation: Removing "any" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with the singular form "reason."
"the prevalent reason" -> "the primary reason"
Explanation: "Primary" is more precise and formal than "prevalent," which can be vague in this context.
"At the same time, the figure for seeking a job was 13%, (which was) nearly double that for educational reasons, at 7%." -> "Concurrently, the figure for seeking employment was 13%, nearly double that for educational purposes, at 7%."
Explanation: "Concurrently" is more formal than "At the same time," and "employment" is preferred over "job" in formal writing. Also, "purposes" is more formal than "reasons" in this context.
"other reasons and no reasons for leaving" -> "other reasons and no specific reasons for departure"
Explanation: "Specific reasons" clarifies the type of reasons being discussed, and "departure" is more formal than "leaving."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main reasons for immigration to and from a European country in 2009. The essay presents information appropriately selected from the charts, highlighting the key features of both immigration and emigration. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "seeking employment, pursuing education and other reasons EACH contributed to 15% of immigration," which is not accurate as the chart shows that each of these reasons contributed to 15% of immigration.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The writer should also focus on presenting a clear overview of the main trends and differences between immigration and emigration. For example, the writer could highlight the fact that family-related reasons were the most popular reason for immigration, while finding a concrete job was the most popular reason for emigration. The writer could also compare the percentages of people who immigrated for family reasons and those who emigrated for family reasons.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, although there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in the repetition of certain phrases. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, but the paragraphing could be improved for better clarity and flow. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7 by demonstrating a coherent structure and appropriate use of cohesion.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer could vary their cohesive devices to avoid repetition and ensure that transitions between ideas are smoother. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to clearly delineate distinct ideas or themes could improve clarity and coherence. Lastly, integrating more varied vocabulary and sentence structures could further elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the charts. It effectively uses less common lexical items, such as "predominant," "emigration," and "concrete job," showing some awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "pursuing a definite job," which could be more naturally expressed as "seeking stable employment." Additionally, minor errors in punctuation and phrasing, such as the use of "which was" in parentheses, detract slightly from the overall lexical quality.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer could focus on using a wider variety of synonyms and more sophisticated vocabulary to convey similar ideas. Additionally, ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate and avoiding awkward phrasing would improve clarity. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions can also help achieve a more natural flow in writing. Lastly, proofreading for minor errors in spelling and punctuation can further polish the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The grammatical range is good, with a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall accuracy and fluency. For example, the phrase "the predominant reason for immigration to this country was to accompany or join their family" could be more clearly expressed. The use of punctuation is generally correct, but there are minor issues that could be improved for greater clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for minor errors and awkward constructions. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will also contribute to a stronger performance. Additionally, practicing the use of cohesive devices and ensuring clarity in expression will help improve the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate the various reasons for individuals immigrating to and from a European country in the year 2009.

Overall, the predominant reason for immigration to this country was to accompany or join family members, while the primary cause for emigration was the pursuit of a definite job. Notably, family-related moves and secure employment opportunities were significant factors driving both immigration and emigration.

Regarding immigrants to the European country, family-related reasons were the most popular, accounting for 25% of the total. Additionally, individuals immigrating to this country cited pursuing a definite job as their main cause, making up 23% of the immigrants. Meanwhile, seeking employment, pursuing education, and other reasons each contributed to 15% of immigration, while 7% moved without any specific reason.

In contrast, the prevalent reason for emigration was finding a concrete job, with 38% leaving for this purpose. Family-related moves constituted 15%, highlighting the ongoing significance of familial bonds. At the same time, the figure for seeking employment was 13%, which was nearly double that for educational reasons, at 7%. Lastly, other reasons and no reasons for leaving accounted for 23% and 4%, respectively.