The charts show the percentage of volunteers by organizations from 2008 to 2014.

The pie chart illustrates the amount of volunteers of some different organizations between 2008 and 2014.
It is obvious that health care and art had insignificant changes during this period. Additionally, health care maitained the lowest rate in all six organizations.
Firstly, all three organizations is environmental, sport and health care had a number of increases during six-year period. Meanwhile sport shoot up 10%, health care just rise 1% from 2008 to 2014. Environmental organization which held the second most percentage in 2008 with more than one-fifth, but took the highest proportion in 2014 with nearly 30%.
By contrast, three other organizations descended notably in the quantity of volunteers include: other organizations, art and educational. Educational comprised of close to a quarter in the first year and this showed a decline of about a mere 7% to 17% in 2014. Likewise, art and others demonstrated a slump of around 6%. Art, on the other hand, was dropped in the number of volunteers from 18% in 2008 to 12% in 2014.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"insignificant changes" -> "minimal changes"
Explanation: "Insignificant" may imply that the changes are not important or noteworthy, whereas "minimal" suggests that there were slight changes without implying their significance.
"maitained" -> "maintained"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error of "maitained" to "maintained" ensures accuracy in the text.
"is environmental" -> "are environmental"
Explanation: "Is" should be pluralized to "are" to agree with the plural noun "organizations."
"shoot up" -> "increased significantly"
Explanation: "Shoot up" is an informal expression, while "increased significantly" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"just rise" -> "only rose"
Explanation: "Just rise" is colloquial; "only rose" is more formal and grammatically correct.
"took the highest proportion" -> "accounted for the highest proportion"
Explanation: "Took" is vague, while "accounted for" is more precise and formal in describing the proportion of volunteers.
"descended notably" -> "experienced a notable decrease"
Explanation: "Descended" is not commonly used in this context, while "experienced a notable decrease" provides a clearer description of the decline.
"comprised of" -> "comprised"
Explanation: "Comprised" already implies "made up of," so "of" is redundant.
"about a mere 7%" -> "by a mere 7%"
Explanation: Adding "by" clarifies that it’s a decrease, not a specific percentage point.
"demonstrated a slump" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Demonstrated a slump" is awkward; "experienced a decline" is more formal and clearer.
"was dropped in the number" -> "experienced a drop in the number"
Explanation: "Was dropped in the number" is awkward and unclear; "experienced a drop in the number" is more concise and precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in volunteer percentages for different organizations from 2008 to 2014. Key features and changes in percentages are highlighted for each organization. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the description, such as stating "all three organizations" when there are more than three mentioned and inaccuracies in percentage changes.
How to improve: Provide more accurate and specific descriptions of the data without inaccuracies or inconsistencies. Ensure clarity and coherence in the presentation of trends and changes over time.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently with a clear overall progression. It starts by introducing the topic and providing an overview of the trends depicted in the charts. There is a logical organization of information, with a clear separation between the discussion of different organizations and their trends over time. The essay effectively compares the changes in volunteer percentages across different organizations and years, providing a structured analysis.

Cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences, although there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion. For example, the transition between discussing different organizations could be smoother, and some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing or grammatical errors. Additionally, there is room for improvement in the use of referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and enhance clarity.

Paragraphing is utilized, but it could be more logically structured. Each paragraph addresses a different organization or aspect of the data, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are some areas where paragraph breaks could be better utilized to enhance readability and organization.

How to improve:

Work on using cohesive devices more naturally to ensure smoother transitions between ideas and sentences.
Pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid repetitive language and enhance clarity.
Review and revise paragraph structure to ensure each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, though it remains limited and repetitive at times. The candidate attempts to convey information using varied lexical items, but there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation throughout the essay. For instance, "sport shoot up" should be "sports saw an increase" or similar, and "maitained" should be "maintained." Additionally, some phrases lack clarity and precision, such as "descended notably in the quantity of volunteers" which could be improved for clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

Expand vocabulary usage: Introduce a wider range of vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and with greater sophistication. This could involve using synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and more varied sentence structures.
Enhance word choice and collocation: Pay closer attention to word choice and collocation to ensure that the language used is accurate and appropriate for the context. Avoid errors in verb tenses and forms, and strive for more natural and fluent expression.
Improve coherence and clarity: Focus on organizing ideas more coherently and articulating them clearly to enhance the overall readability and comprehension of the essay. This could involve refining transitions between sentences and paragraphs, as well as providing more detailed explanations where necessary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures and demonstrates some complexity, such as the use of compound sentences and introductory phrases. However, there are several grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and precision. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("all three organizations is" should be "all three organizations are"), incorrect word usage ("maitained" should be "maintained"), and awkward phrasing ("sport shoot up 10%" should be "sports saw an increase of 10%"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization, detract from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence structure variety, ensuring correct verb forms and subject-verb agreement, and precise word choice. They should also pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas to separate clauses and items in a list. Proofreading the essay for grammatical errors before submission would help to improve its clarity and coherence. Additionally, practicing writing complex sentences and seeking feedback on grammar and syntax can aid in developing a more sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data illustrates the proportion of volunteers across various organizations from 2008 to 2014. Overall, it is evident that while some organizations experienced fluctuations, others witnessed consistent changes.

To commence, the health care and art sectors displayed relatively stable figures throughout the given period. Notably, health care maintained the lowest volunteer rate among all organizations.

Turning to the specific trends, the environmental, sports, and health care sectors all witnessed increases in volunteer participation over the six-year period. Sports experienced a significant surge of 10%, while health care saw a modest rise of 1% from 2008 to 2014. Interestingly, the environmental sector, which held the second-highest percentage in 2008, experienced a notable increase, claiming the highest proportion by 2014, reaching nearly 30%.

In contrast, other organizations, art, and educational sectors observed declines in volunteer numbers. The educational sector, which comprised close to a quarter of volunteers in 2008, experienced a decline of approximately 7%, reaching 17% by 2014. Similarly, art and other sectors demonstrated declines of around 6%, with the art sector experiencing a drop from 18% in 2008 to 12% in 2014.

Overall, the data reflects varied trends in volunteer participation across different organizational sectors from 2008 to 2014.