The charts summarise the weight measurements of people living in Charlestown in 1955 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The charts summarise the weight measurements of people living in Charlestown in 1955 and 2015.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
This chart illustrates an estimate the average weight of Charlestown residents after 60 years, from 1955 to 2015.
Overall, the percentage of people who had a healthy weight or were underweight in 1955 was higher than it was in 2015. Instead, it decreased strongly, and instead, the proportion of fat people increased significantly in 2015.
According to the data, in 1955, almost all people had an ideal weight. This percentage changed slightly from 50 percent to 70 percent.In contrast, the smallest rate is associated with obesity (5–10% for most age groups). In particular, there are no obese individuals in the group below 40. The underweight group rose from about 14 percent to less than 30%. Conversely, 41% of elderly people (60–69 years old) are underweight. Only the middle-aged group shows a significant rate of overweight; in the other groups, the rate is less than 10%.
In 2015, healthy weight decreased slightly, with the exception of 20–29 and 60–69. The former is almost unchanged, but after that, it is significantly reduced. The percentage of obesity grew significantly.(The rate increases five to twelve times.) The underweight percentage of people decreased significantly in most, with a small percentage in the young adult age group (it was a 15 to around 31 percent decrease). The adult age group (20–29) had a slight drop from 28 to 20.Meanwhile, the 60–69 age group increased from 5 to 23%. Almost the rate of obesity has increased sharply (Groups 30-39, 40-49, and 60-69 saw a rise from 15 to 23%). Meanwhile, the 50–69 age group decreased slightly to 4%.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"estimate the average weight" -> "estimate the average body mass index (BMI)"
Explanation: Using "body mass index (BMI)" instead of "average weight" provides a more precise and medically recognized term, enhancing the academic tone of the statement. -
"had a healthy weight or were underweight" -> "were classified as healthy weight or underweight"
Explanation: "Were classified as" is more precise and formal, aligning better with academic language by implying a systematic process of categorization. -
"Instead, it decreased strongly" -> "Instead, there was a significant decrease"
Explanation: "There was a significant decrease" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "it decreased strongly." -
"the proportion of fat people" -> "the proportion of individuals who were obese"
Explanation: "Individuals who were obese" is a more formal and medically accurate term compared to "fat people," which is informal and imprecise. -
"almost all people had an ideal weight" -> "nearly all individuals had a healthy weight"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "healthy weight" is a more precise term than "ideal weight." -
"The smallest rate is associated with obesity" -> "The lowest rate corresponds to obesity"
Explanation: "Corresponds to" is more precise and formal than "is associated with," and "lowest rate" is clearer than "smallest rate." -
"rose from about 14 percent to less than 30%" -> "increased from approximately 14% to less than 30%"
Explanation: "Increased" is more specific and formal than "rose," and "approximately" is more precise than "about." -
"Conversely, 41% of elderly people (60–69 years old) are underweight." -> "Conversely, 41% of individuals aged 60–69 were underweight."
Explanation: "Individuals aged 60–69" is more precise and formal than "elderly people," which is somewhat vague and less formal. -
"Only the middle-aged group shows a significant rate of overweight" -> "Only the middle-aged group exhibited a significant rate of overweight"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal than "shows," and "overweight" should be "overweight" to match the context. -
"The percentage of obesity grew significantly" -> "The prevalence of obesity significantly increased"
Explanation: "Prevalence" is a more precise term in medical contexts than "percentage," and "increased" is more formal than "grew." -
"The underweight percentage of people decreased significantly" -> "The underweight prevalence significantly decreased"
Explanation: Again, "prevalence" is more appropriate in this context, and "significantly decreased" is more formal than "decreased significantly." -
"it was a 15 to around 31 percent decrease" -> "there was a decrease of approximately 15 to 31 percent"
Explanation: "There was a decrease of approximately" is more formal and precise than "it was a." -
"Almost the rate of obesity has increased sharply" -> "The rate of obesity almost doubled"
Explanation: "Almost doubled" is a more specific and clear expression than "increased sharply," which is vague and less formal.
These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the information presented in the charts, but it does not fully address all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences, or stages. It also does not adequately highlight the key features/bullet points. The essay focuses on details and does not provide a clear and concise summary of the information.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences, or stages. The essay should also highlight the key features/bullet points more effectively. The essay should be more concise and avoid unnecessary details. The essay should also use more accurate and appropriate language. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of obesity grew significantly" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "instead" and "meanwhile."
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression and clarity in the presentation of ideas. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the transitions between points are often unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some phrases being repetitive and lacking variety. Additionally, paragraphing is inconsistent, which further detracts from the coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each with a distinct main idea. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically progresses from one idea to the next will improve overall clarity and flow. Lastly, avoiding repetition and ensuring accurate referencing will contribute to a more cohesive response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "fat people" instead of "obese individuals," which detracts from the overall precision of the language. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that affect clarity, though they do not completely impede communication. The use of terms like "ideal weight" and "obesity" shows some awareness of the topic, but the overall lexical resource lacks the sophistication and control expected at higher bands.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precise and appropriate word choices. Avoiding informal terms and ensuring correct collocations will improve clarity. Additionally, practicing spelling and grammatical accuracy will help reduce errors that may distract the reader. Incorporating more varied sentence structures and advanced vocabulary will also contribute to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey comparisons and changes over time, but the clarity of some sentences is affected by awkward phrasing and minor inaccuracies. Overall, the essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical control, but there is room for improvement in accuracy and variety of structures.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:
- Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility.
- Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to ensure clarity and correctness, particularly in separating clauses and lists.
- Clarity and Cohesion: Work on phrasing to avoid awkward constructions and ensure that comparisons are clearly articulated.
- Proofreading: Regularly proofread essays to catch and correct minor errors that can detract from overall quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
This chart illustrates an estimate of the average weight of Charlestown residents over a span of 60 years, from 1955 to 2015.
Overall, the percentage of people who had a healthy weight or were underweight in 1955 was higher than in 2015. Conversely, there was a significant increase in the proportion of overweight individuals in 2015.
According to the data, in 1955, almost all people had an ideal weight, with this percentage changing slightly from 50 percent to 70 percent. In contrast, the smallest rate was associated with obesity, which ranged from 5 to 10% for most age groups. Notably, there were no obese individuals in the group below 40. The underweight group rose from about 14 percent to less than 30%. Conversely, 41% of elderly people (60–69 years old) were underweight. Only the middle-aged group exhibited a significant rate of overweight; in the other groups, the rate was less than 10%.
In 2015, the percentage of individuals with a healthy weight decreased slightly, with the exception of the 20–29 and 60–69 age groups. The former remained almost unchanged, while the latter saw a significant reduction. The percentage of obesity grew significantly, increasing five to twelve times across various groups. The underweight percentage decreased substantially in most age groups, with a notable drop in the young adult age group (a decrease from 15 to around 31 percent). The adult age group (20–29) experienced a slight decline from 28 to 20%. Meanwhile, the 60–69 age group increased from 5 to 23%. The rate of obesity rose sharply, particularly in the 30-39, 40-49, and 60-69 age groups, which saw an increase from 15 to 23%. In contrast, the 50-69 age group decreased slightly to 4%.
Phản hồi