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The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise?
Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

Overpopulation has been a topic of debate for years. Many people maintain the belief that the most urgent problem of mankind at the present time is population boom. This essay aims to elaborate on the causes of this constant rise and offer personal perspective that global warming is more detrimental than the population explosion.
To begin with, overpopulation is believed to be resulted from various factors; chief among these is technological advancement as it would make a drain on the number of people died on account of illnesses. Take healthcare field as an instance, there are more and more advanced machines, efficient drugs and professional health services which can boost the medical treatment. A plethora of diseases which have been regarded as incurable and deadly such as cancer and tuberculosis are less jeopardized at the present time. Additionally, robots or autonomic machines can sustain human safety. Since hazardous jobs such as working in extreme temperature or handling dangerous materials could be superseded by them, it would lessen the risk of occupational accidents and thus expand human life expectancy.
Nevertheless, it is essential to acknowledge that climate change overweigh overpopulation owing to these reasons. Firstly, climate change takes place and adversely influences on global scales while population booms in particular domains, especially in Asia. To be elaborate, almost all developed nations such as Canada and Sweden have low birth rates due to their high level of education; therefore, population control is not their major missions. A handful of citizens living in coastal regions have been forced to migrate as a consequence of sea level rises. Secondly, not only climate change does harm on human life but it also has impact on the ecosystem. Some scientific reports have alerted that a number of endangered animals would be completely disappeared as the temperature and environment are no longer adaptable.
In conclusion, the rise in population happens due to technological outbreak. However, what should be addressed first and foremost is global warming.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people maintain the belief" -> "Many hold the belief"
    Explanation: Replacing "maintain the belief" with "hold the belief" provides a more concise and formal expression without losing the intended meaning.

  2. "most urgent problem of mankind at the present time" -> "foremost contemporary issue facing humanity"
    Explanation: The phrase "most urgent problem of mankind at the present time" can be refined to a more formal and precise wording, "foremost contemporary issue facing humanity," aligning better with academic language.

  3. "To begin with" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "To begin with" is slightly informal; "Firstly" maintains a formal structure and signals the start of a new point in a more academic manner.

  4. "resulted from various factors" -> "attributed to various factors"
    Explanation: "Resulted from" can be replaced with "attributed to" to convey causation more precisely and formally.

  5. "chief among these is technological advancement" -> "primary among these factors is technological advancement"
    Explanation: The term "chief" can be replaced with "primary" for a more formal tone, and adding "factors" after "these" enhances clarity.

  6. "it would make a drain on the number of people died on account of illnesses" -> "it has led to a reduction in deaths due to illnesses"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and uses informal phrasing. The suggested change provides a more direct and clearer statement.

  7. "there are more and more advanced machines" -> "the proliferation of advanced machines"
    Explanation: "More and more" can be replaced with "proliferation," conveying the idea of a rapid increase more formally.

  8. "a plethora of diseases" -> "an array of diseases"
    Explanation: The phrase "a plethora of" is a bit informal; "an array of diseases" maintains a formal tone.

  9. "less jeopardized" -> "less threatening"
    Explanation: "Jeopardized" is less precise here; "less threatening" provides a clearer meaning in this context.

  10. "robots or autonomic machines" -> "robots or autonomous machines"
    Explanation: Correcting "autonomic" to "autonomous" ensures accuracy in referring to self-governing machines.

  11. "could be superseded by them" -> "could replace them"
    Explanation: "Superseded" might be a bit formal in this context; "replace" is a more straightforward alternative.

  12. "it would lessen the risk of occupational accidents" -> "this would reduce the risk of occupational accidents"
    Explanation: The change improves clarity and formality by using "this" to refer back to the previous point.

  13. "Nevertheless" -> "However"
    Explanation: "Nevertheless" is slightly informal; "However" maintains a more formal tone for academic writing.

  14. "climate change overweigh overpopulation" -> "climate change outweighs overpopulation"
    Explanation: Using "outweighs" instead of "overweigh" makes the comparison clearer and more precise.

  15. "To be elaborate" -> "To elaborate"
    Explanation: "To be elaborate" is grammatically incorrect; "To elaborate" is the correct phrase to introduce further explanation.

  16. "not their major missions" -> "not their primary concern"
    Explanation: "Missions" could be more specific; "primary concern" fits better in this context.

  17. "as a consequence of sea level rises" -> "due to rising sea levels"
    Explanation: The change provides a clearer and more precise expression of the cause-effect relationship.

  18. "it also has impact on the ecosystem" -> "it also impacts the ecosystem"
    Explanation: Simplifying "has impact on" to "impacts" maintains the formality while enhancing readability.

  19. "a number of endangered animals would be completely disappeared" -> "several endangered animals could disappear entirely"
    Explanation: The phrase "would be completely disappeared" is awkward; "could disappear entirely" is a clearer and more formal expression.

  20. "temperature and environment are no longer adaptable" -> "temperature and environment become unsuitable"
    Explanation: The suggested change provides a more accurate and formal description of the situation.

  21. "rise in population happens due to technological outbreak" -> "population growth is attributed to technological advancements"
    Explanation: Replacing "rise in population happens due to technological outbreak" with "population growth is attributed to technological advancements" offers a clearer and more formal expression.

  22. "what should be addressed first and foremost" -> "what should take precedence"
    Explanation: "First and foremost" is slightly informal; "take precedence" offers a more formal alternative.

The suggested changes aim to enhance the academic style and formality of the essay while maintaining clarity and precision in conveying the intended message.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the causes of population growth and presenting a personal perspective on whether it is the greatest problem faced by humanity.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects, the discussion on the causes of overpopulation is somewhat brief. To enhance the response, provide more detailed explanations and perhaps include additional causes or examples.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that global warming is more detrimental than the population explosion. This stance is evident throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is a strength; however, reinforcing it with stronger language and perhaps dedicating a separate paragraph to emphasize this stance could enhance the overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in the discussion of causes of population growth. There is an attempt to support ideas, but specific examples and elaboration are limited.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion on causes by providing more specific examples and details. Additionally, support arguments with relevant evidence and elaborate on the implications of the presented ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but briefly deviates when discussing population control in developed nations. This deviation is minor and does not significantly impact the overall focus.
    • How to improve: To improve, maintain a stronger connection between the causes of population growth and the essay’s central argument. Ensure that any side discussions contribute directly to the main points.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates a position on whether overpopulation is the greatest problem faced by humanity. To improve, focus on providing more detailed explanations of causes and strengthening the support for ideas. Additionally, ensure a more seamless transition between different aspects of the essay to enhance coherence. Overall, a solid effort that can be enhanced with more depth and clarity in the content.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes of population rise, and a conclusion. However, the organization lacks clarity due to issues like sentence structure, which affects the flow of ideas. For instance, the transition between discussing overpopulation causes and shifting to climate change as the more pressing issue is abrupt, impacting the coherence.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating a clearer roadmap in the introduction, signaling the direction of the essay. Use transition words or phrases to smoothly guide readers between ideas. Ensure each paragraph addresses a single point or aspect related to the topic to enhance coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consists of three main paragraphs, but their structure and unity are inconsistent. Sentences within paragraphs sometimes lack clear connections, affecting the overall effectiveness of each paragraph.
    • How to improve: Establish a clear topic sentence at the start of each paragraph to provide a concise overview. Develop coherent ideas within each paragraph by using supporting examples or evidence. Aim for a balance in paragraph length to maintain a consistent flow throughout the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diverse cohesive devices. There’s a minimal use of linking words or phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences. This absence hampers the essay’s coherence and cohesion.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., ‘furthermore,’ ‘however,’ ‘therefore’) and cohesive phrases (‘to illustrate,’ ‘in addition to’) to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will aid in creating a more cohesive narrative and better flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt and exhibits a coherent structure to some extent, it suffers from issues related to sentence structure, paragraph coherence, and a lack of diverse cohesive devices. Strengthening these areas will significantly enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate diverse words and phrases, but the variety is somewhat limited. For instance, the essay frequently uses phrases like "population boom," "climate change," and "technological advancement" without exploring more nuanced alternatives.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score, try incorporating a broader spectrum of vocabulary. Instead of repetitive terms, explore synonyms and use context-appropriate words. For example, instead of consistently using "population boom," consider alternatives like "population surge," "population upsurge," or "population escalation" to add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. While some terms are used accurately, there are instances where imprecise or vague language is employed. For instance, the phrase "technological outbreak" could be refined for clarity, as "outbreak" is typically associated with diseases, not technology.
    • How to improve: Focus on precision by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Replace vague terms with specific and accurate language. Instead of "technological outbreak," consider using a more fitting term like "technological revolution" or "technological advancements."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with only minor issues. For instance, there is a misspelling in the phrase "To be elaborate," where "elaborate" should be replaced with "to elaborate." Additionally, the phrase "on account of illnesses" might benefit from the inclusion of an article, as in "on account of illnesses" to improve grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread carefully, paying attention to minor errors like missing articles or prepositions. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to identify and rectify any spelling or grammatical inaccuracies.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably competent use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Additionally, a thorough proofreading process can further enhance spelling accuracy and overall linguistic proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to vary sentence lengths and types, the majority of sentences are of moderate length and complexity. For instance, there is a consistent use of complex sentences, but there is a limited use of compound or compound-complex sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound and compound-complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying solely on complex sentences, try combining ideas with coordinating conjunctions (e.g., and, but, so) to create compound sentences. This will add fluidity and sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly accurate use of grammar. However, there are some instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise, such as in "population is believed to be resulted" (should be "resulting") and "climate change overweigh overpopulation" (should be "outweighs"). Additionally, there are a few minor tense inconsistencies.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and maintain consistency in verb tenses. Proofread the essay to catch such errors. Additionally, consider using a variety of tenses purposefully to convey different temporal relationships, ensuring clarity and precision.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas are either missing or misplaced. For example, "This essay aims to elaborate on the causes of this constant rise and offer personal perspective that global warming is more detrimental than the population explosion" could benefit from a comma after "rise."
    • How to improve: Work on refining your comma usage. Ensure that commas are appropriately placed to aid clarity and avoid confusion. Review rules related to introductory phrases, coordinating conjunctions, and items in a series. Consistent practice and careful proofreading will strengthen your punctuation skills.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. To further improve, focus on incorporating more varied sentence structures, refining subject-verb agreement, and enhancing punctuation accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing debate surrounding overpopulation has persisted for years, with many holding the belief that it stands as the foremost contemporary issue facing humanity. This essay aims to delve into the causes of this persistent rise and provides a personal perspective that places global warming as a more significant concern than population growth.

To begin with, overpopulation is attributed to various factors, with technological advancement being primary among them. The progression in technology has led to a reduction in deaths due to illnesses. Taking the healthcare field as an example, the proliferation of advanced machines, efficient drugs, and professional health services has significantly enhanced medical treatment. Diseases once considered incurable and deadly, such as cancer and tuberculosis, are now less threatening. Moreover, the presence of robots or autonomous machines contributes to human safety. Hazardous jobs, like working in extreme temperatures or handling dangerous materials, could potentially be replaced by these machines, thereby reducing the risk of occupational accidents and extending human life expectancy.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge that climate change outweighs overpopulation as a pressing concern. Firstly, climate change is a global phenomenon that affects regions across the world, while population booms are more localized, especially in areas like Asia. To elaborate, developed nations like Canada and Sweden, with their high level of education, experience lower birth rates, making population control not their primary concern. Coastal regions, home to a fraction of the population, are already witnessing forced migrations due to rising sea levels. Secondly, the impact of climate change extends beyond human life, affecting the ecosystem. Scientific reports warn of the potential disappearance of several endangered animals as the temperature and environment become unsuitable.

In conclusion, while the rise in population can be attributed to technological advancements, the greater concern that should take precedence is global warming. The implications of climate change on a global scale, both in terms of human life and the ecosystem, surpass the localized issue of overpopulation.

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