The diagram below shows a small local museum and its surroundings in 1957 and 2007.

The diagrams illustrate the layout of a small local museum and its surroundings in 1957 and how they had been transformed by 2007.
Overall, the local museum and its surrounding areas experienced several changes, the most significant of which were the restructuring and expansion of the museum with more built-in facilities at the expense of the decreased size of the garden area. These shifts made the museum easier to access.

When entering this large area from the southern road, the curved path leading to the previous entrance hall and trees alongside it was replaced by a car park on the right side and an open area on the left side. The space on the left and behind the museum designated for gardening was narrowed to give space for the museum’s extended section.
In addition to the backward expansion, a new museum shop was constructed on the bottom-left corner of the original structure in tandem with moving the main entrance from the center position to integrate with the shop. As visitors step into the museum, there is a doorway on the right-hand side leading to a reception area which had replaced a local history room. Adjacent to this on the right, the former museum store-room had been repurposed into a larger cafe. Continuing past the reception area, a local history room was located in the space that had been designated for national history exhibitions. Walking up to the end of the building, a room for special exhibitions and an education center occupied the aforementioned extended area.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The diagrams illustrate" -> "The diagrams depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more precise term in academic writing, emphasizing the visual representation of the diagrams, which is more suitable than "illustrate" which can be somewhat vague and less specific in this context.
"small local museum" -> "small, local museum"
Explanation: Adding the comma after "small" clarifies the adjectival phrase "small, local," enhancing readability and adhering to standard punctuation rules in formal writing.
"how they had been transformed" -> "how they were transformed"
Explanation: Changing "had been" to "were" corrects the verb tense to match the past simple context of the diagrams, improving grammatical consistency.
"the most significant of which were" -> "the most significant changes were"
Explanation: Replacing "of which" with "changes" clarifies the subject of the sentence, making it more direct and clear, which is preferred in academic writing for conciseness and precision.
"at the expense of the decreased size" -> "by reducing the size"
Explanation: "By reducing the size" is more concise and direct, avoiding the awkward construction of "at the expense of the decreased size," which is verbose and awkward.
"made the museum easier to access" -> "enhanced accessibility to the museum"
Explanation: "Enhanced accessibility to the museum" is a more formal and precise way to describe the improvement in ease of access, aligning better with academic style.
"When entering this large area" -> "Upon entering this large area"
Explanation: "Upon entering" is a more formal transitional phrase, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more casual "When entering."
"curved path leading to the previous entrance hall" -> "curved path that led to the original entrance hall"
Explanation: "That led to the original entrance hall" corrects the past tense and specifies "original" to clarify that the entrance hall is the original one, not a new one.
"trees alongside it was replaced" -> "trees alongside it were replaced"
Explanation: Correcting "was" to "were" aligns the verb with the plural subject "trees," ensuring grammatical accuracy.
"a car park on the right side and an open area on the left side" -> "a car park on the right and an open area on the left"
Explanation: Removing "side" after "right" and "left" simplifies the phrase and improves the flow, as "right" and "left" are understood as directional adjectives in this context.
"the space on the left and behind the museum designated for gardening" -> "the space behind the museum previously designated for gardening"
Explanation: "Previously designated" clarifies that the space was previously used for gardening, providing a clearer context for the change.
"giving space for the museum’s extended section" -> "to accommodate the museum’s extension"
Explanation: "To accommodate the museum’s extension" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague "giving space for."
"a new museum shop" -> "a newly constructed museum shop"
Explanation: Adding "constructed" specifies the nature of the shop, enhancing clarity and formality.
"moving the main entrance from the center position" -> "relocating the main entrance from its central position"
Explanation: "Relocating" is more precise and formal than "moving," and "its central position" clarifies the location more accurately.
"which had replaced a local history room" -> "which replaced a local history room"
Explanation: Removing "had" corrects the tense to match the context, aligning with the past simple tense used throughout the essay.
"adjacent to this on the right" -> "adjacent to this, on the right"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "this" improves readability and clarifies the structure of the sentence.
"the former museum store-room" -> "the former storage room"
Explanation: "Storage room" is a more standard term in formal contexts, replacing the less common "store-room."
"was located in the space that had been designated for national history exhibitions" -> "was located in the space previously designated for national history exhibitions"
Explanation: "Previously designated" corrects the tense to match the context, providing a clearer temporal reference.

These changes enhance the precision, clarity, and formality of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main changes to the museum and its surroundings. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could have provided more detail about the specific changes made to the museum building, such as the addition of a new cafe and the relocation of the local history room.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detail about the specific changes made to the museum building. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the changes. For example, instead of saying "the museum experienced several changes," the essay could say "the museum underwent a significant transformation."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating a clear progression throughout. The central topic of each paragraph is identifiable, and the essay effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, although there are instances of slight overuse in some areas. The paragraphing is generally appropriate, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity. Overall, the essay meets the requirements for a Band 7, as it presents a coherent structure with clear organization and progression.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer could focus on varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid any potential overuse and ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and natural. Additionally, refining paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and flows seamlessly into the next would strengthen coherence. Finally, providing a more explicit overview or summary of the main changes at the beginning could help to set the context more effectively for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in describing the changes to the museum and its surroundings. The use of less common lexical items, such as "repurposed," "designated," and "integrate," shows an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the previous entrance hall" which could be more clearly articulated, and some sentences could benefit from improved clarity and conciseness. Overall, while the vocabulary is adequate for the task, it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of sophisticated vocabulary and ensure that word choices are precise and contextually appropriate. Additionally, minimizing errors in word formation and improving the overall coherence of sentences will contribute to a more polished essay. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and varying vocabulary further can also elevate the essay’s quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, indicating good control of grammar and punctuation. While the majority of the sentences are clear and effectively convey the changes in the museum’s layout, there are a few minor errors and awkward phrasings that detract from overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the previous entrance hall" could be more clearly articulated, and some sentences could benefit from improved cohesion. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7 due to its effective use of complex structures and a generally high level of grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing sentence variety and cohesion. This can be accomplished by using more linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, reviewing sentence structures for clarity and ensuring that all complex sentences are grammatically accurate will help reduce any minor errors. Practicing writing with a focus on precision and clarity will also contribute to improved grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagrams illustrate the layout of a small local museum and its surroundings in 1957 and how they had been transformed by 2007. Overall, the local museum and its surrounding areas experienced several changes, the most significant of which were the restructuring and expansion of the museum with additional built-in facilities, resulting in a decreased size of the garden area. These shifts made the museum easier to access.

When entering this large area from the southern road, the curved path leading to the previous entrance hall and the trees alongside it were replaced by a car park on the right side and an open area on the left side. The space on the left and behind the museum that had been designated for gardening was narrowed to accommodate the museum’s extended section. In addition to the backward expansion, a new museum shop was constructed in the bottom-left corner of the original structure, coinciding with the relocation of the main entrance from the center position to integrate with the shop. As visitors step into the museum, there is a doorway on the right-hand side leading to a reception area, which replaced a local history room. Adjacent to this on the right, the former museum storeroom was repurposed into a larger café. Continuing past the reception area, a local history room was situated in the space that had been designated for national history exhibitions. At the end of the building, a room for special exhibitions and an education center occupied the aforementioned extended area.