The diagram below shows how oil is expected in use of production of perfume.

The diagram illustrates the process of the extraction of oil to manufacture perfume.

Overall, there was four key stages in the diagram, beginning with the boiling of water and ending with the production of hydrolat.

The first step is that, water is placed in a designated container, where it is heated at high temperature until it reached boiling point, after that the stream produced
from this step was carefully collected and channeled into another container included aromatic plants via an extraction tube. Once steam is contacted with aromatic plants, the essential oils will be absorbed due to these plant has secreted. Combination of steam and oil vapor are transferred to the third container, where the next stage is ready.

In the following stage, the mixture is directed through a coiled apparatus into a cooling chamber then undergo cooling and condensation. After that the coiled apparatus is placed in a cold tank, where it can facilitates the continuous flow of the mixture. Once the essential oil is condensers while cold water provided through an inlet valve and hot water simultaneously vaporized through the outlet valve. Then water mixed with essential oil is brought to proceeds to a separator to separate the two parts. In the final stage of this process involved with collection and drainage of aromatic water, is called hydrolat, through an outlet.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The diagram illustrates the process of the extraction of oil to manufacture perfume." -> "The diagram depicts the process of oil extraction for perfume production."
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal verb than "illustrates" in this context, and "for perfume production" is more specific and academically appropriate than "to manufacture perfume."
"there was four key stages" -> "there are four key stages"
Explanation: "There are" corrects the grammatical error of "was," which incorrectly implies the process is past tense, whereas "are" correctly indicates the ongoing nature of the process.
"boiling of water and ending with the production of hydrolat." -> "boiling of water and concluding with the production of hydrolat."
Explanation: "Concluding" is a more formal and precise term than "ending," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"The first step is that, water is placed in a designated container, where it is heated at high temperature until it reached boiling point," -> "The initial step involves placing water in a designated container, where it is heated to a high temperature until it reaches the boiling point."
Explanation: "Involves" is a more precise and formal verb than "is that," and "heated to a high temperature until it reaches the boiling point" corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical structure.
"the stream produced from this step was carefully collected and channeled into another container included aromatic plants via an extraction tube." -> "the resulting steam is carefully collected and directed into another container containing aromatic plants via an extraction tube."
Explanation: "Resulting steam" is more precise than "stream produced," and "directed" is more formal than "channeled." Also, "containing" is more accurate than "included" in this context.
"the essential oils will be absorbed due to these plant has secreted." -> "the essential oils are absorbed because these plants secrete."
Explanation: "Are absorbed" corrects the tense to match the ongoing process, and "secrete" is the correct verb form for plants secreting oils.
"Combination of steam and oil vapor are transferred to the third container, where the next stage is ready." -> "The combination of steam and oil vapor is transferred to the next stage, which is prepared."
Explanation: "Is transferred" corrects the grammatical error, and "which is prepared" is more precise and formal than "where the next stage is ready."
"the mixture is directed through a coiled apparatus into a cooling chamber then undergo cooling and condensation." -> "the mixture is directed through a coiled apparatus into a cooling chamber, where it undergoes cooling and condensation."
Explanation: Adding "where" clarifies the location, and "undergoes" is the correct verb form for the process of cooling and condensation.
"After that the coiled apparatus is placed in a cold tank, where it can facilitates the continuous flow of the mixture." -> "Subsequently, the coiled apparatus is placed in a cold tank, where it facilitates the continuous flow of the mixture."
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "After that," and "facilitates" corrects the grammatical error in "facilitate."
"Once the essential oil is condensers while cold water provided through an inlet valve and hot water simultaneously vaporized through the outlet valve." -> "Once the essential oil is condensed, cold water is provided through an inlet valve and hot water is simultaneously vaporized through the outlet valve."
Explanation: "Condensed" corrects the verb form, and the addition of "is provided" and "is vaporized" corrects the grammatical structure for clarity and formality.
"Then water mixed with essential oil is brought to proceeds to a separator to separate the two parts." -> "The mixture of water and essential oil is then brought to a separator to separate the two components."
Explanation: "The mixture of water and essential oil" is more precise than "water mixed with essential oil," and "components" is more formal than "parts."
"In the final stage of this process involved with collection and drainage of aromatic water, is called hydrolat, through an outlet." -> "The final stage of this process involves the collection and drainage of aromatic water, which is referred to as hydrolat, through an outlet."
Explanation: "Involves" corrects the grammatical error, and "which is referred to as" is more formal and precise than "is called."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and it recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the process. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features of the process, rather than focusing on details. The essay should also be more concise and avoid unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay could be improved by removing the sentence "Overall, there was four key stages in the diagram, beginning with the boiling of water and ending with the production of hydrolat." This sentence is unnecessary and does not add anything to the essay. The essay could also be improved by combining some of the sentences. For example, the sentences "The first step is that, water is placed in a designated container, where it is heated at high temperature until it reached boiling point, after that the stream produced from this step was carefully collected and channeled into another container included aromatic plants via an extraction tube." could be combined into one sentence: "Water is placed in a designated container, where it is heated at high temperature until it reaches boiling point, and the steam produced is carefully collected and channeled into another container containing aromatic plants via an extraction tube." This would make the essay more concise and easier to read.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information about the process of oil extraction for perfume production, but it lacks clear overall progression and organization. While it attempts to describe the stages of the process, the sequence of ideas is sometimes unclear, and there are instances of inadequate use of cohesive devices. For example, phrases like "after that" and "in the following stage" are used, but they do not always effectively connect the ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not well managed, leading to confusion in the flow of information. The essay does present a central topic, but the lack of clarity and logical arrangement limits its effectiveness.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the information into clear paragraphs, each with a distinct central idea. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases that indicate cause and effect or contrast, would help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each stage of the process is logically sequenced and clearly articulated will improve the overall flow of the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help eliminate mechanical errors that detract from coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the process of oil extraction for perfume production, the vocabulary used is basic and at times repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and sentence structure, such as "the stream produced from this step was carefully collected" and "the essential oils will be absorbed due to these plant has secreted," which detract from clarity. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors are present, such as "facilitates" instead of "facilitated" and "condensers" instead of "condensed," which may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the topic. This could involve using synonyms or more precise terms related to the extraction process. Additionally, attention should be given to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to avoid errors that impede communication. Practicing the use of collocations and ensuring correct word forms will also contribute to a more sophisticated use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at complex structures, they are not always executed accurately. The essay makes some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, but these errors do not significantly hinder overall communication. For instance, phrases like "the stream produced from this step was carefully collected" and "the essential oils will be absorbed due to these plant has secreted" show a mix of correct and incorrect grammatical structures. Additionally, the use of articles and verb forms could be improved for clarity and accuracy.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Practice using a wider variety of complex sentences and ensure that they are grammatically correct. For example, instead of "the essential oils will be absorbed due to these plant has secreted," it could be revised to "the essential oils are absorbed because the plants secrete them."
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to improve the flow of sentences.
Verb Tenses and Agreement: Ensure that verb tenses are consistent and that subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout the essay. For instance, "these plant has secreted" should be corrected to "these plants have secreted."
Proofreading: After writing, take time to proofread the essay for any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing that could be corrected for clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the process of extracting oil to manufacture perfume.

Overall, there are four key stages in the diagram, beginning with the boiling of water and ending with the production of hydrolat.

The first step involves placing water in a designated container, where it is heated to a high temperature until it reaches boiling point. After that, the steam produced from this step is carefully collected and channeled into another container that contains aromatic plants via an extraction tube. Once the steam comes into contact with the aromatic plants, the essential oils are absorbed due to the secretion of these plants. The combination of steam and oil vapor is then transferred to the third container, where the next stage is prepared.

In the following stage, the mixture is directed through a coiled apparatus into a cooling chamber, where it undergoes cooling and condensation. After that, the coiled apparatus is placed in a cold tank, which facilitates the continuous flow of the mixture. Once the essential oil is condensed, cold water is provided through an inlet valve while hot water simultaneously vaporizes through the outlet valve. The water mixed with essential oil is then directed to a separator to separate the two components. In the final stage of this process, the collection and drainage of aromatic water, called hydrolat, occurs through an outlet.