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The diagram below shows the life cycle of a salmon, from eggs to adult fish.

The diagram below shows the life cycle of a salmon, from eggs to adult fish.

The diagram illustrates the various steps in the development of a salmon.
Overall, the process of salmon development consists of eight main stages, from eggs to adult fish. This process shows that the diversity of places, which helps the salmon to produce and develop.
At the first step of the salmon development, female salmons find the location to lay a massive number of eggs, which are incubated until they develop into tiny fish called 'alevins'. After that, alevins live and after growing up to a specific size in freshwater, they move downstream to the estuary to continue the process of their development.
Turning to the remaining stages, at the sixth and seventh steps, baby salmons grow quickly in size, become nearly complete salmons, and begin their journey to the ocean. After that, they experience a dramatic physical transformation and reach fully maturity at these stages. Next, fully mature salmons migrate upstream to initial spawning areas, and the salmon life cycle starts again.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "The diagram illustrates the various steps in the development of a salmon." -> "The diagram depicts the various stages in the development of salmon."
    Explanation: "Depicts" is more precise and formal than "illustrates," and removing "a" before "salmon" corrects the grammatical agreement with the plural form used later in the sentence.

  2. "Overall, the process of salmon development consists of eight main stages, from eggs to adult fish." -> "In summary, the salmon development process comprises eight primary stages, spanning from eggs to adult fish."
    Explanation: "In summary" is more formal than "Overall," and "comprises" is more precise than "consists of." Additionally, "spanning from" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "from."

  3. "This process shows that the diversity of places, which helps the salmon to produce and develop." -> "This process demonstrates the importance of diverse environments in facilitating salmon development and production."
    Explanation: "Demonstrates" is more specific than "shows," and "importance of diverse environments" is more precise than "diversity of places." The phrase also clarifies that the environments are beneficial for development and production.

  4. "female salmons" -> "female salmon"
    Explanation: "Salmon" is a singular noun and should not be pluralized when referring to a single female fish.

  5. "lay a massive number of eggs" -> "deposit a large number of eggs"
    Explanation: "Deposit" is more specific and formal than "lay," which is typically used for birds, not fish.

  6. "which are incubated until they develop into tiny fish called ‘alevins’." -> "which are incubated until they develop into alevins."
    Explanation: Removing "tiny fish called" simplifies the phrase and avoids redundancy, as "alevins" is already a specific term.

  7. "After that, alevins live and after growing up to a specific size in freshwater, they move downstream to the estuary to continue the process of their development." -> "Subsequently, alevins live in freshwater until they reach a specific size, at which point they migrate downstream to the estuary to continue their development."
    Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "After that," and "migrate" is more precise than "move," which is too general. The rephrased sentence also clarifies the sequence of events.

  8. "baby salmons" -> "juvenile salmon"
    Explanation: "Juvenile" is a more specific and scientifically accurate term than "baby" for describing young fish.

  9. "grow quickly in size, become nearly complete salmons, and begin their journey to the ocean." -> "rapidly grow in size, nearly reaching maturity, before embarking on their oceanic journey."
    Explanation: "Rapidly" is more precise than "quickly," and "nearly reaching maturity" is more formal and specific than "become nearly complete salmons." "Oceanic" is also more formal than "to the ocean."

  10. "they experience a dramatic physical transformation and reach fully maturity" -> "they undergo a significant physical transformation, achieving full maturity"
    Explanation: "Undergo" is more formal than "experience," and "achieving full maturity" is grammatically correct and more formal than "reach fully maturity."

  11. "Next, fully mature salmons migrate upstream to initial spawning areas, and the salmon life cycle starts again." -> "Subsequently, mature salmon migrate upstream to their initial spawning grounds, initiating the salmon life cycle anew."
    Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "Next," and "their initial spawning grounds" is more precise than "initial spawning areas." "Initiating anew" is a more formal way to describe the beginning of a cycle.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the life cycle of the salmon. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, with no clear overview. The essay also does not provide any data to support the description.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the life cycle of the salmon. This could be done by describing the main stages of the life cycle in a logical order. The essay could also be improved by providing some data to support the description. For example, the essay could mention the average lifespan of a salmon or the average number of eggs that a female salmon lays. The essay should also avoid making subjective statements, such as "This process shows that the diversity of places, which helps the salmon to produce and develop." The essay should focus on reporting factual information from the diagram.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents a coherent overview of the salmon life cycle, with a clear progression from one stage to the next. The information is arranged logically, and the central topic of each paragraph is identifiable. However, there are instances where cohesive devices are used mechanically, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, the transition between the stages could be more fluid, and some sentences lack clarity in their connections. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively. This includes varying the types of transitions used between sentences and paragraphs to create smoother connections. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the progression of ideas is logical will help improve overall clarity. Finally, refining the use of referencing and substitution will reduce redundancy and enhance the flow of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task of describing the life cycle of a salmon. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "alevins" and "estuary," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "massive number of eggs" and "fully maturity." While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, there are noticeable errors in word formation and phrasing that detract from the overall clarity and sophistication of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate terms and phrases that accurately convey the intended meanings. Additionally, improving spelling and word formation accuracy will help to avoid errors that can distract the reader. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. Errors in grammar and punctuation are present but do not significantly hinder communication. For example, phrases like "the diversity of places, which helps the salmon to produce and develop" could be clearer and more precise. Additionally, the use of "fully maturity" should be corrected to "full maturity," indicating a lack of precision in word choice. Overall, the essay conveys the main ideas effectively, but the grammatical errors and occasional awkward phrasing limit its score to Band 6.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility. This can involve using more subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions.
  2. Focus on Accuracy: Pay attention to common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and word forms. Proofreading the essay for minor slips can help improve accuracy.
  3. Clarify Ideas: Ensure that ideas are expressed clearly and concisely. Avoid vague phrases and ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the overall argument or description.
  4. Practice Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to minimize errors, particularly with commas and periods, which can affect the clarity of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the various steps in the development of a salmon. Overall, the process of salmon development consists of eight main stages, from eggs to adult fish. This process demonstrates the diversity of environments that facilitate the salmon’s reproduction and growth.

In the first stage of salmon development, female salmon locate suitable sites to lay a large number of eggs, which are incubated until they develop into tiny fish known as ‘alevins.’ After that, alevins live in freshwater and, upon reaching a specific size, move downstream to the estuary to continue their development.

Turning to the subsequent stages, in the sixth and seventh steps, juvenile salmon grow rapidly in size, becoming nearly fully formed salmon, and begin their journey to the ocean. Following this, they undergo a significant physical transformation and reach full maturity during these stages. Next, fully mature salmon migrate upstream to their original spawning areas, and the salmon life cycle begins anew.

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